August 23 - 29,
Friday, August 29, 1997
Typos and lack of proper
sentence formatting can be very misleading Here are some actual problem
sentences found in church bulletins/newsletters:
Don't let worry kill you. Let
the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have
a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to
announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm
there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little
Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter
Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the
ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off
clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be
hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support
for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up
A man and his son went to the
grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when the son says to his
dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, daddy, she's fat"
notices the lady but politely tells his son, "That's not a nice thing to say."
The son continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's
The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave
and quit saying those things."
Just then the lady's beeper went off and
the son shouted, "Watch out dad, she's backing up."
Wednesday, Aug 27,
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In
court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the
lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.
just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for
any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I
had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell
him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly
interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what
he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and
proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck
and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting
real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the
accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the
road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such
bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Tuesday, August26, 1997
An old man goes to a church, and is making a
"Father" he says, "I am 75 years old and I have been married for
50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was
intimate with an 18 year old."
When was the last time you made a confession?
asked the priest.
"I never have" said the man, "I am Jewish."
are telling me all this?" asked the priest.
"I am telling everybody ..." says
Monday, Aug. 25,
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his
first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog
for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect
salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some
relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night,
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to
disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy
night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded
"Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden
Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog,
saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this
dog for my wife."
The Private saluted again and said "Sir, Good trade Sir!"
Sunday, Aug 24,
Polite Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
Not the sharpest knife in the
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them
Bright as Alaska in December
One-celled organisms out-score him
in IQ tests
Donated his body to science...before he was done using it
Fell out of the family tree
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but
the train isn't coming
He's so dense, light bends around him
were taxed, he'd get a refund
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd
get change back
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm
from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to
watch 60 minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-a-Whirl a bit too long as a baby
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
His elevator does not go to the
Lights are on and nobody is home
Does not have both oars in the
He has two brains...one is lost and the other one is looking for
Saturday, Aug 23, 1997
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his
examination, his doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that
you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?" "Damn straight you
did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25!
How old was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a
healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"
I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and
getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I
wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he
‘wanted’ to get married?..."