August 23 - 29, 1997


The Fat Lady



The Marines

Did I Say

Polite Ways to Say Someone is Stupid


Friday, August 29, 1997


Typos and lack of proper sentence formatting can be very misleading Here are some actual problem sentences found in church bulletins/newsletters:

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


Thursday, August 28,1997

The Fat Lady

A man and his son went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when the son says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, daddy, she's fat"

The man notices the lady but politely tells his son, "That's not a nice thing to say."

The son continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's REALLY fat."

The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and quit saying those things."

Just then the lady's beeper went off and the son shouted, "Watch out dad, she's backing up."


Wednesday, Aug 27, 1997


Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.

I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"



Tuesday, August26, 1997


An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
"Father" he says, "I am 75 years old and I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
When was the last time you made a confession? asked the priest.
"I never have" said the man, "I am Jewish."
"Then why are telling me all this?" asked the priest.
"I am telling everybody ..." says the man.


Monday, Aug. 25, 1997


It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private saluted again and said "Sir, Good trade Sir!"


Sunday, Aug 24, 1997

Polite Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching
A room temperature IQ
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together
Bright as Alaska in December
One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests
Donated his body to science...before he was done using it
Fell out of the family tree
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
He's so dense, light bends around him
If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-a-Whirl a bit too long as a baby
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
His elevator does not go to the top
Lights are on and nobody is home
Does not have both oars in the water
He has two brains...one is lost and the other one is looking for it.


Saturday, Aug 23, 1997


One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?" "Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he ‘wanted’ to get married?..."