Sept 1 - Sept 5, 1997
Friday, September 5, 1997
A Gynecologist decides to that he wants
to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic
school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the
test back he's shocked at the test score he received - 200%, so he goes to talk
to the instructor. The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the
engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra
100% for doing it all through the muffler.
Thursday, September 4, 1997
On his doctors advice, a manager has to take on some sport
for more exercise. He decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his
secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine", the manager says,
"When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain
immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".
"Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic.
"Then my body
says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!".
Wednesday, September 3, 1997
Bill Clinton and his chauffeur were out driving in the
country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country
Clinton told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the
farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the
front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
he came out, Clinton asked why his driver had been there so long.
first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought
me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the
"What did you tell the farmer?" Clinton asked.
replied, "I told him that I was Bill Clinton's driver and I'd just killed the
Tuesday, Sept 2, 1997
Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names
for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that there were two kinds
of each species - male and female. And he also noticed that most of the animals
were mating and seemed to be enjoying this very act. So, he went to his special
place and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, God!".
And a loud booming voice
replied, "Yes, Adam".
"Hey, God - There's an awful lot of animals down
"Yes, Adam - I have created many species and I trust you have not run
out of names for then."
"No, that's not the problem. But, I have noticed
that there are two kinds of each species."
"Yes, Adam. One kind is male and
the other is female."
"Hey, God - why is there a male and a female of each
"So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the
continuation of the species."
(sigh) "Yes, Adam."
"You, Adam, are a male."
"Hey, God, I've noticed that most of the
animals are mating --- and they seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it
isn't too much trouble, do you think...maybe,....I could..."
Adam. The time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when
you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate."
So, Adam leaves his special
place, finds a patch of soft grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep.
Some time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his side) and heads
immediately to his special place.
- did you remember to do what you promised ?"
"Yes, Adam. While you were
sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in the
bushes near the place where you were sleeping."
Adam rushes off to find Eve
in the bushes. A few minutes later he is back at his special place, calling
"Hey, God --- What's a headache ????"
Monday, Sept 1, 1997
A magician had settled into a comfortable gig on a cruise
ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot, who would ridicule the
magician after every trick, saying things like, "Big deal, the card's up his
sleeve," or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the faker!"
One night the
ship began to sink. Confusion reigned, and the magician was barely able to hop
into a tiny lifeboat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and
parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end
of the tiny craft, staring at the magician.
Finally, the parrot blurted out,
"OK, I give up! Where'd you put the boat?!"
Sunday, August 31, 1997
CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD
In school they told us what You do. Who does
it when You are on vacation?
Are you really
invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy
Is it true my
father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was
it an accident?
Instead of letting people die and
having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
Who draws the lines around the countries?
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay?
What does it mean You are a Jealous
God? I thought You had everything.
Did you really
mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to
fix my brother! -Darla
Thank you for the baby brother, but
what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
It rained for our
whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people
are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before,
You can look it up. -Bruce
If You give me a genie lamp like
Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so
much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair
all over. -Sam
I think the stapler is one of your greatest
inventions. -Ruth M.
I bet it is very hard for You to love
all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I
can never do it. -Nan
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll
show You my new shoes.
I would like to live
900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled
your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Saturday, August 30, 1997
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old
Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch,
Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately,
he realizes that
life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon
passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any
lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make
good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to
wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and
excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells
her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife
thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes
that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer
it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides
that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at
all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark
She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims
"Damn it, all
that money and they didn't even iron it."