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September, 2000

Friday, September 29, 2000

Life Insurance Application

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.
The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Thursday, September 28, 2000

Building a BBQ

There was an old man who went into a brickyard and asked for one thousand bricks.

The guy at the brick yard took the old man down to the shed, and asked him, "What do you need one thousand bricks for?"

The old man said, "I'm building a BBQ.”

Curious, the guy asked, "Why do you need one thousand bricks?"

“I live on the 15th floor!"

Wednesday, September 27, 2000

Fresh Blood

It was 3:00 AM and two bats were hanging inside their cave when one bat says to the other "How about we go out and find us some fresh blood for a late night snack?"
"Where are we gonna find blood at this time of night?" asked the other bat.
"OK", said the first, "I'll go alone."
About a half hour later the first bat returns with fresh blood dripping from it's mouth and all over it's body.
"WOW", said the second bat, "Where did you find all that fresh blood?"
"You see that tree over there?" asked the first bat.
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"

Tuesday, September 26, 2000

From the Mouths of Babes

We are not to run in class even when the teacher don't see us because even if the teacher don't see us, Jesus can and He might tell the principal.

Now I'm a child but one day I'll be a man or a woman.

According to some people's beliefs, there is something between heaven and hell. It's called pubertory.

I'm not gonna fight with my sister any more unless she fights with me first or makes me mad or if I feel like it.

Monday, September 25, 2000

Cop Stories

A man went to the police station demanding to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.
"Relax", said the desk Sergeant, "You'll get your chance in court."
"You don't understand", said the man, "I want to know how he got into the house in the middle of the night without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
"Pull over!" he said.
"No officer, it's a scarf."

Police arrested two teems yesterday. One was eating fireworks and the other was drinking battery acid. They charged one and let the other off.

Sunday, September 24, 2000

A Matter of Perspective

A psychology professor and a history professor are sitting on the porch of a nudist colony watching the sunset. The historian says to the psychologist, "Have you read Marx?"

The psychology professor replies. "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

...you help your dog chase it's tail.

...you can jump start your car without cables.

...you chew on other people's fingernails.

...you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

...you just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit.

...you ski uphill.

...Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Saturday, September 23, 2000

The OTHER things you don't want to hear during surgery

* Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
* Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
* What's this doing here?
* I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
* Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
* I sure wish I had my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
* Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
* Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
* Anyone see where I left my scalpel?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* What do you mean you want a divorce?

Friday, September 22, 2000

Retirement Home

Overheard Comments At Our Local Retirement Home

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action," means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet, if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient, I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Thursday, September 21, 2000

Another Tony & Guido

Guido: My neighbor's mad because my dog knows how to fetch the evening paper.

Tony: Why would that make your neighbor angry?

Guido: I don't subscribe to the paper.

Consequences

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.  One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades . . .
somebody is going to get a spanking !"

Wednesday, September 20, 2000

Being Frugal

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and  placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Tuesday, September 19, 2000

Steak Dinner

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancy Street restaurant the day before.
So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

"See here, my good man," Benny barked.  "I was in this restaurant yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party, you serve such a small one."

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter.  "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."

Monday, September 18, 2000

Keep on Truckin'

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.

"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."

Sunday, September 17, 2000

Wake Up Call

A man was woken one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog is barking and it's keeping me awake!" said an irate voice.

The man politely thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbor and said, "I don't have a dog!"

Saturday, September 16, 2000

A New York State of Mind

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, "Vive la France!", quaffs the poison, and dies.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest -- everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. 

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?!"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, ya joik."

Friday, September 15, 2000

Eulalia

I've made up my mind what we'll call the baby," the young mother announced. "We'll call her Eulalia."

The father did not care for this choice but he was shrewd. "That's fine," he said, "the first girl I loved was named Eulalia, and it will evoke pleasant memories."

The wife was silent for a moment. "We'll call her Mary after my mother," she said.

Thursday, September 14, 2000

Tony and Guido

Guido: " Did you hear that Doctor Giovanni got in a fight with his girlfriend?"

Tony: " No, what happened?"

Guido: " He started yelling at her, and told her she was a bad kisser."

Tony: " What did she do then?"

Guido: " She decided to get a second opinion!"

Wednesday, September 13, 2000

Motorcycle Riding

 Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open.

 A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat.

 Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby: "What happened?"

 "Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."

Tuesday, September 12, 2000

William Penn

William Penn (of Pennsylvania fame) had two aunts who owned a bakery in colonial Philadelphia. Their bakery was renown for their mouth-watering pies and pastries. They had a very successful business going, until a family of rats settled in their cellar. These rats ate their pies faster than they could bake them, and put the bakery out of business in less than a week’s time. You probably never heard of "Two Sisters Bakery."  But everyone has heard of the "Pie Rats of Penn's Aunts."

Monday, September 11, 2000

Little Johnny

Little Johnny walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.

"Then why are you checking it out?"

"Because," said Johnny, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started collecting moths last month!"

Sunday, September 10, 2000

Pills

John came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."

He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"

Saturday, September 9, 2000

The Perfect Wife 

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five year-old wife."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand.  Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me ...  at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal.  In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want.  And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night."  He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him.  "Oh, I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"

"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."

Friday, September 8, 2000

Ask First

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are all mine?"

Thursday, September 7, 2000

Texas Three Kick

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

Wednesday, September 6, 2000

Moving to America

 Ira and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy children. They moved to America from Europe and were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in.

Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large family.

After several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked Esther to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning, they found  a place that was just right.

The landlord asked the usual question:  "How many children do you have?"

Ira answered with a deep sigh,  "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment.

Tuesday, September 5, 2000

OLD is when...

  ..your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer,  "Honey, I can't do both!"

  ..your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

  ..the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".

  ..a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

  ..you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

  ..you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

  ..when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

  ..when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

  .."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

  .."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Friday, September 1, 2000

The Man Who Loved Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. 

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,  "SURPRISE!"  To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.