Monday, September 30, 2002
behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the
Sunday, September 29, 2002
in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly
Saturday, September 28, 2002
importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges,
"Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
Friday, September 27, 2002
Thursday, September 26, 2002
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
A tourist was
stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off
in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find
a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party"
discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't
understand the rule.
Monday, September 23, 2002
ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
Sunday, September 22, 2002
exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a third-grade
teacher was lecturing her upper-middle-class students about the less
fortunate. She asked them to write an essay about a poor family in the area.
Saturday, September 21, 2002
Soon after our
last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch
with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know,
honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same
hand-some young man I married."
Friday, September 20, 2002
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going get married. "Just for fun, Mom," he says, "I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while.
He then says, "OK, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing. You're right. How did you know?"
"It was easy...I don't like her."
Thursday, September 19, 2002
An insurance salesman
was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
A four-year-old was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
Later, when the collection plate came by his mother again leaned over and tried to coax the nickel out of his clenched fist. He held firm and stated, "If I can't eat, I won't pay."
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
A guy says,
"For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."
Monday, September 16, 2002
Since I was
the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the
telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained
that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could.
"What's your job there?" the caller asked me.
Sunday, September 15, 2002
Bubba and Jake
chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a
week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before.
Saturday, September 14, 2002
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"
"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
Friday, September 13, 2002
A man walks in a bar with a newt on his shoulder and orders a beer and a half of beer. He proceeds to drink the beer and gives the half to the newt which drinks it thirstily. The bartender watches this with interest. This happens on the next two days when the newt is given whiskey and then rum. On the third occasion, the barman remarks "I have never seen a pet like that before, it is fantastic. What do you call it?"
The customer replies " I call it TINY ".
"Oh, why is that?" asks the barman.
"Because it is my-newt!"
Thursday, September 12, 2002
The mother of a
large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to
the youngest baby.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
During taxi, the
crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came
nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female)
lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going?
I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'.
Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's
and D's but get it right".
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bartender for a beer and the bartender asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free beer! If you fail you have to buy the whole bar a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so pal... the steaks are too high!"
Monday, September 9, 2002
has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful
consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named.
Sunday, September 8, 2002
pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a
talk with him.
Saturday, September 7, 2002
minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
Friday, September 6, 2002
A big-city lawyer
was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The
rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad
passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
Thursday, September 5, 2002
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Wednesday, September 4, 2002
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired.
"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."
Tuesday, September 3, 2002
not spend more than 90 minutes per night doing homework. This time should be
budgeted in the following manner:
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
Monday, September 2, 2002
Jacob (92) and
Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. They go
in and Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Sunday, September 1, 2002
of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat
at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to
place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest