September, 2002

Getting It Write

School Homework Policy

Getting Married

Elementary My Dear Watson For Sale The Lawyer and the Rancher
Pray for Safety Losing Control The Perfect Man
Free Beer Deja Vu Dressed Alike
A Beer and a Half Elk Hunting in Alaska Lie-Clocks
Intelligence Needed Anniversary Presents No Way
Life Insurance How? Lookin' Good
On Being Poor Long Time Friends Legal Terms
Newspaper Headlines Water! More Newspaper Headlines
Good Vocabulary How Far? Laws for Parents



Monday,  September 30, 2002

Laws for Parents

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time.  Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

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Sunday,  September 29, 2002

How Far?

The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"  "Yes."

"Did it hurt?"  "Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" 

"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"

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Saturday,  September 28, 2002

Good Vocabulary

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

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Friday,  September 27, 2002

More Newspaper Headlines

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

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Thursday,  September 26, 2002

Newspaper Headlines

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

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Wednesday,  September 25, 2002


A tourist was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out. The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.  Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

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Tuesday,  September 24, 2002

Legal Terms

While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party" 

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one man "My Wife"

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Monday,  September 23, 2002

Long Time Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

 One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

 Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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Sunday,  September 22, 2002

On Being Poor

In an exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-middle-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them to write an essay about a poor family in the area.

One little girl's paper began: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The personal trainer was poor."

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Saturday,  September 21, 2002

Lookin' Good

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same hand-some young man I married."

"Honey," he replied, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

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Friday,  September 20, 2002


A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going get married. "Just for fun, Mom," he says, "I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while.

He then says, "OK, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing. You're right. How did you know?"

"It was easy...I don't like her."

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Thursday,  September 19, 2002

Life Insurance

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. 

"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you get?"

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

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Wednesday,  September 18, 2002

No Way

A four-year-old was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion. 

Later, when the collection plate came by his mother again leaned over and tried to coax the nickel out of his clenched fist. He held firm and stated, "If I can't eat, I won't pay."

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Tuesday,  September 17, 2002

Anniversary Presents

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

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Monday,  September 16, 2002

Intelligence Needed

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone.  When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause.  Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."

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Sunday,  September 15, 2002

Elk Hunting in Alaska

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before.

When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year.

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Saturday,  September 14, 2002


Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

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Friday,  September 13, 2002

A Beer and a Half

A man walks in a bar with a newt on his shoulder and orders a beer and a half of beer. He proceeds to drink the beer and gives the half to the newt which drinks it thirstily. The bartender watches this with interest. This happens on the next two days when the newt is given whiskey and then rum. On the third occasion, the barman remarks "I have never seen a pet like that before, it is fantastic. What do you call it?" 

The customer replies " I call it TINY ".

"Oh, why is that?" asks the barman. 

"Because it is my-newt!"

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Thursday,  September 12, 2002

Dressed Alike

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them. Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

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Wednesday,  September 11, 2002

Deja Vu

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going?  I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'.  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "Now you've messed up everything; it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I Tell you.  You got that, US Air 2771??"

Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Tuesday,  September 10, 2002

Free Beer

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bartender for a beer and the bartender asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"

The guy asks "What's it all about?"

The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free beer! If you fail you have to buy the whole bar a drink."

The guy replies, "No I don't think so pal... the steaks are too high!"

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Monday,  September 9, 2002

The Perfect Man

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named.


He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

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Sunday,  September 8, 2002

Losing Control

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" asked the kid.

"Right after the National Anthem."

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Saturday,  September 7, 2002

Pray for Safety

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

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Friday,  September 6, 2002

The Lawyer and the Rancher

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.  The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court.  The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there.  I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning.  I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.  I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

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Thursday,  September 5, 2002

Elementary My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" 

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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Wednesday,  September 4, 2002

For Sale

A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired.

"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

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Tuesday,  September 3, 2002

School Homework Policy

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night doing homework. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

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Monday,  September 2, 2002

Getting Married

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the  wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. They go in and Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca: "OK Sweetheart, we might as well register our  wedding gift list here."

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Sunday,  September 1, 2002

Getting It Write

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.

Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

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