Tuesday, September 30, 2003
What Hit Me?
There was this little guy
sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a
sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar
stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from
The little guy thinks "GEEZ,"
but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden
-- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a
judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had
enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little
guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks
up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool,
knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When
he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."
Monday, September 29, 2003
When In Rome
Taylor, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and
called on Timothy to answer first.
"Rome was built at night." was his answer.
"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her hands.
"How ever did you get such an idea?"
"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone
knows Rome wasn't built in a day."
Sunday, September 28, 2003
family took a ski trip, and I was knocked unconscious by the chairlift. I
called my insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover my
injury. "Why not?" I complained.
"You got hit in the head by a chairlift," the insurance rep said. "That
makes you a moron, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
Saturday, September 27, 2003
You Know It's Time To Diet
dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus,
and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver's license says,
"Picture continued on other side."
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.
You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Local Fire Department
One day there was a big fire
in small town. All of the major fire departments showed up and still they
could not put out the fire.
Meanwhile, the small town fire department
which was on the top of a Mountain in small town came flying down the
mountain with their one fire engine that they had. They came down that
mountain like lightning. Taking tight turns at amazing speeds. They came
crashing though the barricades and came right up to the fire and put it
Later that day, the small town city council wanted to give the
small town fire department a two thousand dollar check for their
When they gave them the money they asked, "What are you
do with money?"
"Well" said the chief, "First of all we are going to fix the
brakes on our fire engine."
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Driving School Exam
following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
What for? He can't see my license plate.
Who has the right of way
when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."
When driving through fog, what should you use?
What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
I'd probably sober up a lot faster.
What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
yellow traffic light?
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Crossing The Street
There's a man trying to
cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the
corner and heads straight for him.
The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still
coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops
in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next
to the man.
The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel that says, "See, it's not as
easy as it looks is it."
September 23, 2003
In Six Years
motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing
the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had
happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been
worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now...."
Monday, September 22, 2003
Still Love Me?
came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you
still love me," he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you any more?" he
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on, if I
weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll always
love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
Sunday, September 21, 2003
A Penny for Your Thoughts
Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands,
and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a
while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow."Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit
more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that
Saturday, September 20, 2003
worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard. Despite a regular
adequate income he had a "poor" mindset, always unhappy about money
matters and very vocal about it.
One year at an air show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter
looked up at him and said, "Dad, what do you do out here?"
He answered with a smile, "I pay the bills."
She looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him,
and announced (to the delight of all around), "No wonder we're so poor!"
Friday, September 19, 2003
students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about
my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."
"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did
Thursday, September 18, 2003
were sitting in a bar, and the first atom says to the second atom, "I
think I lost an electron."
The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "I'm positive."
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
there's the story about the man working the night desk at the FBI office.
They got a lot of wrong numbers, because it was similar to the pizza
One night he answered "FBI." When the caller hesitated he said "You meant
to call Dominoes ..."
The caller exclaimed "Wow, you guys really do know everything!"
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Saturday Morning Golf
It was a
sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine,
visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse
loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's
Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up
to the men's tee!"
Murray had had enough. He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back to
the ground and shouts, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut
up and let me play my second shot?"
Monday, September 15, 2003
eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat
eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you
speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken
The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a
psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, Life isn't
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your
salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what
do you do for a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
Saturday, September 13, 2003
hearing-impaired gentleman had visited his doctor. The doctor informed him
to be careful, as he had a heart murmur.
A few days later the doctor was most surprised to see the old fellow out
on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside.
"Don't you remember what I told you the other day?!" he inquired.
"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied. "Best dang advice I ever had. I
did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful!"
Friday, September 12, 2003
"Congratulations Mr. Smith," said the psychiatrist. "I think we have
finally and completely cured you of your delusion."
"Thanks...I guess." Answered Mr. Smith glumly.
"But what's wrong?" asked the psychiatrist. "Why do you sound so
"Wouldn't you be down if one day you're King Leopold and the next you're a
Thursday, September 11, 2003
day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the
local market and buy some organic vegetables.
She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she
said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for
your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the
organic vegetables were.
"He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are
for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'
"And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They
were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But
the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk;
you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had
allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But
when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane
could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know
where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same
place where we crashed last year."
Tuesday, September 9, 2003
Such A Deal!
A man was
reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $100 Porsche! New! The man thought
that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $100, and he thought it might be
a joke or a typo. He soon decided it was worth a shot. He went to the lady's
house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected,
the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $100?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the
house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
Monday, September 8, 2003
A Jury of Lawyers
A judge in a semi-small city
was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a
reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a
recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury
duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a
jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant
was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready
to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was
totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was
up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Sunday, September 7, 2003
runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I
missed you at service this morning," the pastor says.
"Well, Reverend", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it
was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in
church thinking about hay."
Saturday, September 6, 2003
Signs Your Amish Teen Is In
stays in bed till after 5:00AM.
In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't
Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage
He's wearing his big black hat backwards!
Friday, September 5, 2003
Tom is applying for a job as a
signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you
realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public
phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
Thursday, September 4, 2003
realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when
we're kids? If you're less
than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 36 and a half ....You're four and a half going on 5.
You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number. "How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like
You BECOME 21....Yes!!
Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He
TURNED; we had to throw him out.
What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE
IT to 60.
By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...
You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.
My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment,
you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there....
Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
Wednesday, September 3, 2003
Careful What You Ask for
My neighbor was
telling me about her toddler Mary. She took Mary to the doctor for her checkup.
As part of the 2-year check, they had her do coordination tests. Things like
stacking blocks, moving toys around, etc. While the children do the tasks, they
are watched to see if they walk properly, also.
Mary was performing her tasks admirably, when the doctor said, "Mary, can you
stand on one foot for me?'"
So Allison walked over and stood on his foot!
Tuesday, September 2, 2003
Don't Count On It
officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"Officer," the man began, "I can explain."
needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back."
I have to tell you something." The man tried again.
quiet! You're going to jail and I'm not interested in what you have to say!" the
A few hours
later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the
chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Monday, September 1, 2003
Johnny, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother,
what would she have?
Little Johnny: A heart attack!
The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family.
When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to
get near to and have horns."
Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation, "Automobiles?"