September 2003

Little Johnny	Don't Count On It	Careful What You Ask For
Aging	Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble	Signalman Test
Thinking	A Jury of Lawyers	Such A Deal!
Flying Hunters	Organic Vegetables	Cured
Hot Mama	Submerge Yourself	Soups Cold!
Saturday Morning Golf	FBI	Two Atoms
Pierced Ears	No Wonder	A Penny for Your Thoughts
Still Love Me	In Six Years	Crossing The Street
Driving School Exam	Local Fire Department	Hospital Coverage
When In Rome	You Know Its Time To Diet When....	What Hit Me

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

Mrs. Taylor, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.

"Rome was built at night." was his answer.

"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?"

"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."

Our family took a ski trip, and I was knocked unconscious by the chairlift. I called my insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover my injury. "Why not?" I complained.

"You got hit in the head by a chairlift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you a moron, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus,
and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says,
"Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

One day there was a big fire in small town. All of the major fire departments showed up and still they could not put out the fire.

Meanwhile, the small town fire department which was on the top of a Mountain in small town came flying down the mountain with their one fire engine that they had. They came down that mountain like lightning. Taking tight turns at amazing speeds. They came crashing though the barricades and came right up to the fire and put it out!

Later that day, the small town city council wanted to give the small town fire department a two thousand dollar check for their heroics.

When they gave them the money they asked, "What are you going to do with money?"

"Well" said the chief, "First of all we are going to fix the brakes on our fire engine."

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably sober up a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man.

The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel that says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks is it."

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now...."

Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.

"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on, if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow."Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

A father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard. Despite a regular adequate income he had a "poor" mindset, always unhappy about money matters and very vocal about it.

One year at an air show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter looked up at him and said, "Dad, what do you do out here?"

He answered with a smile, "I pay the bills."

She looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him, and announced (to the delight of all around), "No wonder we're so poor!"

The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."
"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"

Two atoms were sitting in a bar, and the first atom says to the second atom, "I think I lost an electron."

The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"

The first atom replies, "I'm positive."

And then there's the story about the man working the night desk at the FBI office. They got a lot of wrong numbers, because it was similar to the pizza joint.

One night he answered "FBI." When the caller hesitated he said "You meant to call Dominoes ..."

The caller exclaimed "Wow, you guys really do know everything!"

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had had enough. He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back to the ground and shouts, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, Life isn't worth living.

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

An old hearing-impaired gentleman had visited his doctor. The doctor informed him to be careful, as he had a heart murmur.

A few days later the doctor was most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?!" he inquired.

"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied. "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful!"

"Congratulations Mr. Smith," said the psychiatrist. "I think we have finally and completely cured you of your delusion."

"Thanks...I guess." Answered Mr. Smith glumly.

"But what's wrong?" asked the psychiatrist. "Why do you sound so depressed?"

"Wouldn't you be down if one day you're King Leopold and the next you're a nobody?"

The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.

She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were.

"He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'

"And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year."

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $100 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $100, and he thought it might be a joke or a typo. He soon decided it was worth a shot. He went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $100?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding
up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the pastor says.

"Well, Reverend", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

He's wearing his big black hat backwards!

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 36 and a half ....You're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.
You BECOME 21....Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.
My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

My neighbor was telling me about her toddler Mary. She took Mary to the doctor for her checkup. As part of the 2-year check, they had her do coordination tests. Things like stacking blocks, moving toys around, etc. While the children do the tasks, they are watched to see if they walk properly, also.

Mary was performing her tasks admirably, when the doctor said, "Mary, can you stand on one foot for me?'"

So Allison walked over and stood on his foot!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm not interested in what you have to say!" the officer barked.

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Teacher: Johnny, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?

Little Johnny: A heart attack!

The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns."

Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation, "Automobiles?"