September 2004

Heavenly Justice	A Neutral Game	Which End
Excluded	Finding Religion	Every Time
Its Okay Mom!	What Does It Mean	Two Women
Not Bad	Did You Hear	The Light of the World
Argh!!	Little Johnny	Where's The Baby
Scales	How Many Times	Same Time
20 Minute Speech	Lady Luck	Dorm Daddy
Proud Parent	Lost & Found	Advice Please
What Will He Be	Silence	Mr. Big Shot
Without Sin	Short Order	English Teacher

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

He goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong place, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny-side up."

"I get it," replies the waiter. So on his way back out to the counter he takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and says, "I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "I figured while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions.

At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?"

He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up.

The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"

The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband."

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the two were only one stroke apart. The clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force...slicing the ball deep into the woods.

The clergyman glared, and bit his lip while his face turned crimson, but said nothing.

His opponent looked at him for a moment and then remarked, "Reverend, that is the most profane silence I have ever heard."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

With profits from his food company, Paul Newman helped build a camp for critically ill children. It's called the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp, from Newman's film "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid".

Newman was sitting at a table one day with a camper who asked him who he was. The actor reached for a carton of Newman's Own lemonade and showed the boy his likeness on the container. "This is me," Newman said.

Wide-eyed, the camper asked, "Are you lost or something?"

Mickey, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, Mick bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D."

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mickey exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" she said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, she thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?"

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.

Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.

The most frequent target was the resident assistant known as "Dorm Daddy". Approaching his room one afternoon, Dorm Daddy noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, 'Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!'

It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "can my luck be any worse?!? What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36came up. Then she just fainted!"

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" asked the kid.

"Right after the National Anthem."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For Goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Little Johnny stared at his test paper.

The big read "F" stared back at him.

Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have a freeze plug replaced, a job that took two days. Then I discovered that the battery was dead, and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.

Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your car is good for many more miles."

"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

Did you hear about the inventor who came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time? He sold it to a large bakery for a handsome profit.

Shortly after that he developed a knife that could slice three loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that one for an even greater profit.

Finally, he came up with the ultimate bread slicer. This huge knife could cut four loaves of bread at the same time!

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into New York harbor.

The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black, was standing on the church steps after the funeral, receiving condolences, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.

Two women were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

The other woman, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first woman explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second woman got angry and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant.

With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."

My husband and I had been trying for a while to have a third child. Unfortunately, the day I was to take the home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided that if the test came out positive, we'd buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly awaiting the appearance of the tell-tale line. When it didn't appear, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug and said, "It's okay, Mom. The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A man has his first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I always feel excluded. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."

"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a window washer."

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"