Thursday, September 30, 2004
teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors
in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having
until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has
been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down
at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
He goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the
wrong place, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny-side up."
it," replies the waiter. So on his way back out to the counter he takes a
bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and says, "I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "I figured while you're waiting for your parts
you might as well gas up!"
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners
with no exceptions.
At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they
are without sin?"
He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up.
The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery
sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"
The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my
wife's first husband."
Monday, September 27, 2004
Mr. Big Shot
Joe grew up in a small town, then
moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the
small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to
impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big
impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe
picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this
case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that
case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of
my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next
week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat
patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and
turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
Sunday, September 26, 2004
clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the
last hole the two were only one stroke apart. The clergyman teed up, addressed
the ball, and swung his driver with great force...slicing the ball deep into the
The clergyman glared, and bit his lip while his face turned crimson, but said
His opponent looked at him for a
moment and then remarked, "Reverend, that is the most profane silence I have
Saturday, September 25, 2004
What Will He Be?
An older couple had a son, who
was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son
was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on
the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if
he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey,
I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they
had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked
at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be
assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.
Friday, September 24, 2004
The duffer muffed his tee shot
into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the
fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he
proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Lost & Found?
With profits from his food
company, Paul Newman helped build a camp for critically ill children. It's
called the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp, from Newman's film "Butch Cassidy and the
Newman was sitting at a table one day with a camper who asked him who he was.
The actor reached for a carton of Newman's Own lemonade and showed the boy his
likeness on the container. "This is me," Newman said.
Wide-eyed, the camper asked, "Are you lost or something?"
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mick bounded into the room
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters:
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mickey
exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" she said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when
he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact,
she thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?"
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and
bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons,
Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.
The most frequent target was the resident assistant known as "Dorm Daddy".
Approaching his room one afternoon, Dorm Daddy noticed his door was ajar.
Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to
fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he
thought, 'Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that
It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe
beneath the sink.
Monday, September 20, 2004
A lady is
having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last
$50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "can my luck be any worse?!? What in the world
should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't
know...why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at
the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his
way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table
operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36came up.
Then she just fainted!"
Sunday, September 19, 2004
20 Minute Speech
was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his
employees, Jenkins, to write him a 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned
from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half
the audience walked out before I finished."
was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave
you the two extra copies you asked for."
Saturday, September 18, 2004
pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to
lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
Friday, September 17, 2004
How Many Times
It's a sunny morning in the Big
Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and
sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big
bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams,
"For Goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made
the porridge yet!!"
Thursday, September 16, 2004
A husband stepped on one of those
penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says
I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Where's The Baby?
For weeks a six-year old lad
kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was
expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he
stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat
the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother
or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Little Johnny stared at his test
The big read "F" stared back at him.
Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade
on that test?"
"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.
"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.
Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."
Monday, September 13, 2004
My wife asked me to help one of
our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to
have a freeze plug replaced, a job that took two days. Then I discovered that
the battery was dead, and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.
Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your car is good
for many more miles."
"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to the
dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."
Sunday, September 12, 2004
The Light of the World
A little boy forgot his lines
in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt
him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help.
Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and
whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."
The child beamed and with great
feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Did You Hear?
hear about the inventor who came up with a knife that would slice two
loaves of bread at the same time? He sold it to a large bakery for a
Shortly after that he developed a knife that could slice three loaves of
bread at the same time. He sold that one for an even greater profit.
Finally, he came up with the ultimate bread slicer. This huge knife could
cut four loaves of bread at the same time!
was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Some years ago,
Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck
of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into New York
The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black, was standing on the church
steps after the funeral, receiving condolences, when an old friend of the
contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you
"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.
Thursday, September 9, 2004
Two women were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other woman, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"
The first woman explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed
TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the
HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second woman got angry and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward
you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
What Does It Mean?
My nephew, who has just started
the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the
commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this
With absolute seriousness he
replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."
Tuesday, September 7, 2004
It's Okay Mom!
My husband and I had been trying
for a while to have a third child. Unfortunately, the day I was to take the home
pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young
daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided that if the test
came out positive, we'd buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got
The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly awaiting the appearance of the
tell-tale line. When it didn't appear, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a
hug and said, "It's okay, Mom. The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can
try and get pregnant again."
Monday, September 6, 2004
approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You
know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Sunday, September 5, 2004
A drunk stumbles along a
baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk
into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old
drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and
says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you
found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"
Saturday, September 4, 2004
A man has
his first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he's there,
the fellow responds, "Doctor, I always feel excluded. I'm tired of being
on the outside looking in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve
your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a
"I'm a window washer."
Friday, September 3, 2004
At a dinner
party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever
remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked
it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you
Thursday, September 2, 2004
A Neutral Game
St. Peter and Satan were having an
argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral
grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that
we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
Once, there was a preacher who
was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course
swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for
golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play
golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could
not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where
no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to
God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the
ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250
yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon,
but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"