September 30, 2005
There were three guys
talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control
they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well,
what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came
to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She
said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
September 29, 2005
In The Principal's Days
Mr. Jones, the elementary
school principal, made it to a practice to visit the classes from time to
time. One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where
the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class
how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He
jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the
From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days
there were only 13!"
September 28, 2005
Another Oldie But Goodie
A man observed a woman in
the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed
the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told
her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the
mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to
go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for
candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and
then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to
clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd
be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through
this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little
Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
September 27, 2005
Oldie But Goodie
A wealthy woman is giving
a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. During the
festivities, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the
guests was watching the gardeners gardening, and while one gardener was
busy weeding the other leaped up, spun about, and gracefully swirled,
seeming to dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a
talented dancer, I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing
before my aerobics class!"
When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he
yelled, "Hey Louie! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on
that rake again?'
September 26, 2005
Capital of Nevada
Well, there was this
blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one
evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde
joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to
here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went
home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I
memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital
"N", she answered.
September 25, 2005
Can't Talk Tonight!
After a close friend
moved away, we began to communicate by computer. We met each week in her
favorite chat room and would type for hours.
One night, I had a high fever and swollen larynx and felt too sick to
chat, so I dashed off a brief note canceling our cyber-plans, then fell
exhausted into bed.
My friend seemed upset when I phoned her a few days later. "If you don't
want to go on the 'Net with me," she said, "just say so."
Perplexed, I retrieved the last e-mail I'd sent her. It read, "I won't be
able to talk to you on the computer tonight. I have laryngitis."
September 24, 2005
The Wedding Dress
Little Mary was attending
a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the
bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the
bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of
her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said...
"So why is the groom
September 23, 2005
When Jill decided to
improve her computer skills, she threw herself into it with enthusiasm.
Every week she'd check out two or three instructional books from the
After about a month the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really be
getting knowledgeable at this stuff."
"Thanks," Jill said. "What makes you say that?"
The librarian answered, "Only one of the books you're checking out this
week has 'For Dummies' in the title."
September 22, 2005
A Great Relationship
A husband and wife were
at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage
counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the
husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I
majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm
September 21, 2005
The Baseball Game
A doctor at a mental
institution decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in
advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day
of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts!
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down
nuts! And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a
hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he
asked what happened.
The assistant replied, Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by
and yelled, PEANUTS!
September 20, 2005
A Well Planned Life
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
September 19, 2005
gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that
his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get
the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
Dad, what is it?"
nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if
something happens to me...
mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
September 18, 2005
One day a
State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned
onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken
place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on
top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by
giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the
car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought
September 17, 2005
homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on
his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check.
"Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out
to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the
man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to
dinner and a movie like you asked."
September 16, 2005
went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau
was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead
of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay.
That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
September 15, 2005
bowl set designed
to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--
unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety,
We will oil your sewing machine
and adjust tension in your
home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician
in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts:
Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Handmade gifts for
the hard-to-find person.
September 14, 2005
Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
The Nuns took there habits off and tied them together to make a rope to
get out of the building via the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news
reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid
that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?
The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break".
September 12, 2005
An Abstract Noun
abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you
can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy
replied. "My father's new car."
September 11, 2005
A Fishing Classic
warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more
fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or
four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden,
curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game
warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat.
When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the
warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and
threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that
dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started
scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered
from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this!
I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite.
He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words,
"Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to
September 10, 2005
recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a
friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been
married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
September 9, 2005
I'll Be Home Late
On the weekend
of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the year, I was bar tending at a club
nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, our patrons' eyes swung
toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me
where the phone was. I pointed it out, and the silence in the room let everybody
overhear what the biker said into the receiver. "Hi, Mom. Just want to let you
know I'll be home late tonight."
September 8, 2005
Vow of Silence
At a remote monastery
deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow
could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk
could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother
Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we
have every year with the Christmas roast!" and he sat down. Silence ensued for
The next Christmas, Brother
Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I
truly despise them!"
Once again, silence ensued
for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up
with this constant bickering!"
September 7, 2005
A building contractor
was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over
several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the
check he'd been given.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred
dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when
it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
September 6, 2005
A champion jockey is
about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets
him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is
that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!'
really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the
trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the
center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat
embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing
happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do
it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse
sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the
race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey
replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this horse. What is he--deaf or
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF! He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
September 5, 2005
Cheap And Simple Ways
To Ward Off Burglars
The following are a few
simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for
Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours.
The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of
your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for,
"The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have
eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where
all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with
Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when
touched. Good luck...
September 4, 2005
wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one
morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very
pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the
same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30
feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree,
bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.
The husband looks at
this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
September 3, 2005
Things Your Mom
Would Never Say to You
How on earth can you see the TV
sitting so far back?
Yeah, I used to cut class a
Let me smell that shirt -
don't worry, it's good for another week.
Go ahead and keep that stray
dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
Why don't you hitchhike? It
would totally be cheaper.
The curfew is just a general
time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
Don't clean your room so
often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
Naw, you don't have to call
me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
September 2, 2005
Will You State Your Name
An eminent psychologist
was called to testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat
down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set
precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead
catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged
her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The
glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing
expression, "we could start with an easier question."
September 1, 2005
As a judge, I was
sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a familiar face. I reviewed his
record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a
five-year period in which there no convictions.
"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how were you able to stay out of trouble for
those five years?"
"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that--you were the one
who sent me there."
"That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then."
"No, you weren't the judge," he countered, smiling mischievously. "You
were my lawyer!"