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September, 2005

Friday,  September 30, 2005

Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

Thursday,  September 29, 2005

In The Principal's Days

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it to a practice to visit the classes from time to time.  One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.   Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

Wednesday,  September 28, 2005

Another Oldie But Goodie

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother  said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Tuesday,  September 27, 2005

Oldie But Goodie

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners gardening, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other leaped up, spun about, and gracefully swirled, seeming to dance movements.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!"

When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey  Louie! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?'

Monday,  September 26, 2005

Capital of Nevada

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.  So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes.  I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

Sunday,  September 25, 2005

Can't Talk Tonight!

After a close friend moved away, we began to communicate by computer. We met each week in her favorite chat room and would type for hours.

One night, I had a high fever and swollen larynx and felt too sick to chat, so I dashed off a brief note canceling our cyber-plans, then fell exhausted into bed.

My friend seemed upset when I phoned her a few days later.  "If you don't want to go on the  'Net with me," she said, "just say so."

Perplexed, I retrieved the last e-mail I'd sent her.  It read, "I won't be able to talk to you on the computer tonight.  I have laryngitis."

Saturday,  September 24, 2005

The Wedding Dress

Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said...

"So why is the groom wearing black?"

Friday,  September 23, 2005

Knowledgeable

When Jill decided to improve her computer skills, she threw herself into it with enthusiasm. Every week she'd check out two or three instructional books from the library.

After about a month the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really be getting knowledgeable at this stuff."

"Thanks," Jill said. "What makes you say that?"

The librarian answered, "Only one of the books you're checking out this week has 'For Dummies' in the title."

Thursday,  September 22, 2005

A Great Relationship

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

Wednesday,  September 21, 2005

The Baseball Game

A doctor at a mental institution decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.  For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts!

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!

Tuesday,  September 20, 2005

A Well Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Monday,  September 19, 2005

Surgery

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...

...your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Sunday,  September 18, 2005

Your Chicken?

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.  When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car.  The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken.  So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looks at the trooper and says,    "No thanks, I just bought some."

Saturday,  September 17, 2005

The Missus

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Friday,  September 16, 2005

Grouchy

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Thursday,  September 15, 2005

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Wednesday,  September 14, 2005

Fire

Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took there habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?

The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break".

Monday,  September 12, 2005

An Abstract Noun

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

Sunday,  September 11, 2005

A Fishing Classic

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

Saturday,  September 10, 2005

Not Anymore

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

Friday,  September 9, 2005

I'll Be Home Late

On the weekend of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.

A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and the silence in the room let everybody overhear what the biker said into the receiver. "Hi, Mom. Just want to let you know I'll be home late tonight."

Thursday,  September 8, 2005

Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" and he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!"

Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

Wednesday,  September 7, 2005

Mistakes

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said.  "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said.  "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Tuesday,  September 6, 2005

ALLLLEEE OOOP!

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF! He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Monday,  September 5, 2005

Cheap And Simple Ways To Ward Off Burglars

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus.  Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail.  They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings.  P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Selma, don't come in!  The boa constrictor got loose again...

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers.  Others have merely been wired to explode when touched.  Good luck...

Sunday,  September 4, 2005

Golf Lesson

Charlie's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.

The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."

Saturday,  September 3, 2005

Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You  

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.

Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Friday,  September 2, 2005

Will You State Your Name

An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand.   The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
 
 "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question." 

Thursday,  September 1, 2005

The Judge

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a familiar face.  I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there no convictions.

"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how were you able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"

"I was in prison," he answered.  "You should know that--you were the one who sent me there."

"That's not possible," I said.  "I wasn't even a judge then."

"No, you weren't the judge," he countered, smiling mischievously.  "You were my lawyer!"