Saturday, September 30, 2006
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.
"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"
Friday, September 29, 2006
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" they all piped up.
"And what do you have to be to get there?"
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
In the early twenties, three Jews emigrated to the United States. As so often happened in those days, the American immigration officials at Ellis Island simplified their complicated names on the official records. In this case, the three were recorded as Diamond, Gold, and Taylor. Many years later, they met and asked how each of them had done.
Diamond: Oh, I've done very well. With my name I started a jewelry store. Right from the start it was successful. Now there are Diamond Jewelers all over the country.
Gold: Well, brother Diamond, I, too, have succeeded. Same idea. Gold! So I started the Gold Ornaments Shop. The shop succeeded wonderfully. The branches spread. Now I'm a millionaire.
Taylor: With me it wasn't so simple. My name is Taylor, so I started a clothing store. I worked very hard, but it failed. So I started another, but it also failed. My family, they were starving. So what could I do but pray to God. "Oh, Lord," I said, "help me to prosper. Lord, if you do, I'll promise to give you 50 percent of the profits."
Diamond and Gold: Well, tell us. Did it work?
Taylor: Did it work? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles.
Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my
favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."
Monday, September 25, 2006
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"
Saturday, September 23, 2006
street, where the speed is limited to 30mph the police stops a driver.
-"Hmmmm...eh...well, I'll let you go this time...but don't do it again."
Friday, September 22, 2006
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
Thursday, September 21, 2006
My husband and I were hiking in Yosemite. We stopped to look at an ancient sequoia that was twisted and leaning over. Next to us was a man and his daughter. "Daddy, that tree needs an adjustment!" the girl said. We caught the father's eye as he shrugged and said, "I'm a chiropractor."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child. "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.
"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
Monday, September 18, 2006
During the time I was a first lieutenant at Seymour Johnson Air Force Base in North Carolina, the junior officers challenged the senior officers to see who would donate the most blood.
After trying several times to locate a vein in my left arm, the technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into my right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.
As I left the collection facility, I passed a colonel. Noting my two bandages, he looked at me and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor, "What did you do on Earth?"
The Doctor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, "you may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her "you may go in."
St. Peter asked the third man, "what did you do?" The man hung his head and replied, "I ran a large HMO." To which St. Peter replied, "you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days."
Friday, September 15, 2006
The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?"
All the kids looked baffled by the question except Little Johnny, who raised his hand and waved it excitedly. The teacher said, "Johnny, how many seconds are there in a year?"
Little Johnny said, "Twelve . . . January second, February second, March second . . ."
Thursday, September 14, 2006
During a friendly argument, Jim asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she was surprised and requested an explanation.
"Well, people get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it....
It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
If you can
start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
You are probably the family dog
Monday, September 11, 2006
Three monks of the Trappist order, which has a rule of silence, asked the abbot's permission to speak with one another. The abbot granted the oldest monk privilege to speak one sentence that year on a coming feast day. He granted the youngest the right to speak one sentence on that feast day one year later. The third brother was to wait still another year for his feast day privilege.
Following breakfast the first year the oldest monk said, "I hate oatmeal."
A year went by and after breakfast the youngest brother said, "I like oatmeal."
Another year passed and the third monk said, "I'm getting awfully tired of this constant bickering over oatmeal!"
Sunday, September 10, 2006
While my son Cliff was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."
The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,
"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting submawenes."
Saturday, September 9, 2006
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
Friday, September 8, 2006
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A voice from the back of the room shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice.
The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed. "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.
She replied, "This year, I can read."
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
A woman was at her
hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite
lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the
shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors,
and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down and he
"Oh, really! What'd he say ????????????? "
He said: "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
Monday, September 4, 2006
There are recent rumors that
Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the
Sound of Music, Favorite Things.
Maalox and nose drops and
needles for knitting,
Sunday, September 3, 2006
In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major.
"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music."
"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."
Saturday, September 2, 2006
Dan, his wife, and Dan's mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend. Dan's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.
So the two of them went looking for her.
After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law!
Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice, "Dan you got'ta do something, or there's gonna be blood shed fer sure!"
Dan calmly said, "Now look, honey, the bear got himself into it..."
Friday, September 1, 2006
Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."