Sunday, September 30, 2007
Six retired Floridians were
playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a
single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing
time standing up.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"
Monday, September 24, 2007
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:
Sunday, September 23, 2007
A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. ...You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."
Saturday, September 22, 2007
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.....
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...
AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!
Friday, September 21, 2007
A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:
"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle, Charlie died. A man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie... so I rented him a tuxedo!"
Monday, September 17, 2007
Traditional Chinese drugstores are always filled with bizarre remedies for everyday ailments. So while traveling in the Far East, I couldn't resist going into a drugstore to look around. There were rows and rows of jars filled with dried herbs, powders, and exotic oils. But one jar really caught my eye. The label said it was a guaranteed cure for stomachache.
The jar was filled with chocolate-chip cookies.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
Saturday, September 15, 2007
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
Friday, September 14, 2007
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
An elderly fellow was taken to the hospital for an examination of his circulatory system. When he got home, his wife asked what had happened.
He said, "They worked this gadget into my artery and up into my heart, and then they sucked out thirty years of chocolate cake."
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
A mother had three very active boys. One summer evening, she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead!" She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
A man is a person who, if a
woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself; lets her.
Monday, September 10, 2007
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.
Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
Sunday, September 9, 2007
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible. The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.
Moral: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.
"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.
"I do." said the student.
"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."
"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student
"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."
Friday, September 7, 2007
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Thursday, September 6, 2007
As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.
"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained "I think you'll find everything there."
As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.
Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.
The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room - yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, "I hope you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in there."
"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison."
Monday, September 3, 2007
A popular and beloved internet joke editor had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is TodaysChuckle FrankieG, could you please tell me what room I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Two CPA's were returning home from a client meeting. They took the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle. They continued their discussion of the knotty tax problem that had been the subject of their client meeting through takeoff and meal service.
Finally, one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep. After switching seats, one CPA said to the other "I believe that was the first time a tax discussion ever kept anyone awake."
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father. "There are twelve of us..."