Tuesday, September 30, 2008
"Hey, Mom," asked Ralph, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
Monday, September 29, 2008
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.
He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
Saturday, September 27, 2008
You know it's time to diet when...
*You dance and it makes the band skip.
*You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
*You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
*Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
*You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
*You could sell shade.
*Your blood type is Ragu.
*You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
Friday, September 26, 2008
In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.
An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards. I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.
"Just to visit a friend," she said, "but this had taken so long, I'm not sure I have time now."
Thursday, September 25, 2008
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him ALL the hay."
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Monday, September 22, 2008
My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.
A few days later she called and told me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."
Sunday, September 21, 2008
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank.
Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed "Ugh! That's awful stuff!"
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
Friday, September 19, 2008
Two husbands, Bill and Bob, were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Bob, "How do you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
Thursday, September 18, 2008
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The happy couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. The society reporter asked, "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?"
"Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that,"
the husband replied. "Murder sometimes," the wife offered "but never divorce."
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.
Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball.
It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
Monday, September 15, 2008
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know....I don't eat cats."
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.
It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, how- ever, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
Friday, September 12, 2008
After the flight reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
Thursday, September 11, 2008
An airline pilot explained that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
A client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."
"Why would I come in second?"
"Because you're an idiot!"
Monday, September 8, 2008
The CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention so he asked one of his top employees, Goldberg, to write a punchy, 20 minute speech for him. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour long speech?!" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I was finished."
Goldberg was baffled. "I wrote you a 20 minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I took my son to his first Major League baseball game when he was four. The game was delayed, so we spent our time talking and eating everything the concession had to offer:
Hot dogs, pretzels, nachos, pizza, soda, peanuts, ice cream, and cotton candy.
About a year later, I asked my son if he'd like to go to another game. He thought about it for a moment and then replied, "No, thanks, Dad. I'm really not that hungry."
Saturday, September 6, 2008
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
Friday, September 5, 2008
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.
After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
Thursday, September 4, 2008
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .
Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
Monday, September 1, 2008
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."