September 30, 2009
John and Lorraine had been dating each other for years and were getting bored of each other. They became like a married couple, nagging and sarcasm in all their conversations. One day John met a girl named Cleary. She was pretty, smart and funny and John longed to break up with Lorraine and date Cleary but he couldn't. Then one day Lorraine was walking along the side of a river when she fell in and drowned. When John heard the news he was so happy he sang
"I can see Cleary now, Lorraine has gone."
September 29, 2009
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
September 28, 2009
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
September 27, 2009
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.
As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.
She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."
September 26, 2009
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
September 25, 2009
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
September 24, 2009
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"
September 23, 2009
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?"
The husband said, "I don't know...do you have anything specific in mind?"
The wife said, "Well, she said that she would like something electric."
The husband replied, "Got it! How about a chair?!?"
September 22, 2009
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."
A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.
Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're toast!"
September 21, 2009
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
September 20, 2009
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."
"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
September 19, 2009
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!
September 18, 2009
In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time."
Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
September 17, 2009
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using.
September 16, 2009
"Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited. If you wish to leave a message for Bill, please press 1. If you wish to leave a message for Tony, please press 2. If it's Marty you're calling, please press 3. If none of these names make any sense to you, you've probably called the wrong number. In that case, please press 4 and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored."
September 15, 2009
Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her husband heads outside.
Hurt, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"
"Of course, Dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
September 14, 2009
When John came from Philadelphia to visit his friends in Kentucky, it took him a while to get used to the Southern foods and accents.
One morning he was having breakfast at a local diner, and ordered an egg platter that came with grits.
"Hominy?" inquired our waitress.
"Just two," John replied.
September 13, 2009
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
September 12, 2009
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date
September 11, 2009
A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation... Trying to make the matter clear, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and would I turn red in the face?"
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
The answer came from the back of the class, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
September 10, 2009
One evening a man was very impressed with the beef entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
Monday, September 7, 2009
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...
hawk, lion, and stinker.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.
"She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said.
Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story. One said to the other, "There's a book?"
Friday, September 4, 2009
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
Thursday, September 3, 2009
During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions.
"Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"
"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.
"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.
"Certainly not in this case."
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an a-hole.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Things That Are
Difficult to Say When You're Drinking:
Things That Are VERY
Difficult to Say When You're Drinking:
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drinking:
Nope, no more beer