Welcome 
chuckle

September, 2010

Asking For A Raise

An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well" began the head man, "business is bad now Frank.  I just can't afford to give you a raise."

"But I'm doing the three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank.

"Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!"

Mothers

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is, and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley?

He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about every session?

Me."

Small Pleasures

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight."

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.  He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7 .

The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

Marriage Problems

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union  after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile,  the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.

The wife says, "Seven weeks."

Wisdom

A wise old gentleman retired and bought himself a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. 

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.  Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents anymore. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" 

And the wise old man enjoyed the rest of his retirement in peace.

Job Search Dictionary

COMPETITIVE SALARY - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM - We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

CAREER-MINDED - Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

 Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.  Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

 Six hours later, Paul went to her again and said, "Honey, now only have 18 hours left to live.  Maybe we could make love again?"  Alma agrees and again  they make love.

 Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only 8 hours of left.  He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

 Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

 He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.  "Honey, I only have four hours left!  Could we...?"

 His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning.  You don't."

Walter Smith

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

Arizona

On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

She Simply Worships Me

 Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of  them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any  work around the house. It's  great!" 

 Not to be out done, Benny said, "That's nothing.  My wife simply worships me..." 

 Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what  makes you say that?" 

 "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

Barney & Betty

They were discussing the details with their friends.

Betty wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Betty replied, "Silver."

At that point, her husband to be chimed in, "Yep silver...

to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at Barney, Betty's friend said, "So Barney, I guess you are going barefoot."

How Long

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between New York and Philadelphia.

"About two hours," says the driver.

"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Philadelphia and New York?"

The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"

Years of Training

 The local bar was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man  around that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat  him. 

 The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until  all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to  the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of  the lemon would win the money.

 Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers,  weightlifters and all had failed.

 Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles  came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. 

 After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only  fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a  lemon and started squeezing.

 Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly  squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

 Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the  prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you  such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

 "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS!"

September 17, 2010

Moving In

A moving van pulled up in front of the only vacant house  in the neighborhood and started unloading. Curtains twitched up and down the street as ladies peeked out to watch the process. After about an hour, one of the moving men unloaded a great big piece of white cardboard. He solemnly held it up for all to see:   

"That's all, Ladies."

Do You Remember

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter.  "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

The Hanging

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.  When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging?  Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender.  "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy.  "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

How Would You Feel

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?  Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

But If...

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.  She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention.  She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl this past year, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.

The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"  "I did" said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"  "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo?  Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Exactly

Nurse:  How old are you, Mrs. Smith?

Patient:  None of your business.

Nurse:  But the doctor must know your age for his records.

Patient:  Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?

Nurse:  Yes.  Fifty.

Patient:  All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?

Nurse:  Zero.

Patient:  Right.  And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

Deer Hunters

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something" he said "but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right.  This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."

Office Visit

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.  

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

Getting a Ticket

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell  out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled  him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had  seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and  recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still  going to have to write you a ticket."

 Amazed, the driver asked for what.

 The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

Photos

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture   -   of handcuffs.

It Worked

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it.  Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked.  They're all safe."

Cake

Little Johnny had been to a birthday party at a friends house.

Knowing his sweet tooth, Johnny's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No," replied Little Johnny, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."

Queen Size

Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.

In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words "Queen Size."

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

Only Sucker

Penny, a good Assessment nurse was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. She reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm.  After the examination, she told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.

When she got home and told her husband of what she had seen and done.

 Her husband asked, "Was the Patient that bad?"

Penny said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only sucker called out on a night like this."

Pictures

Two women meet in a supermarket, become friendly and out come "the pictures" of the children.

After the usual OOOOHHHHS & AAAAHHHS the first women says, "Let's see your children now."

The second woman says, "I have no children".

The other then asks, "So what do you do for aggravation?"