September 30, 2011
A man is passing a butcher's shop and sees a sign:
Special Offer - Brains
He goes into the shop and says to the butcher, “Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing your sign. I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because cows are so common.”
“That's right,” says the butcher.
“And,” continues the man, “I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than the other brains because they are such high quality.”
“Not at all,” says the butcher “do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a pound of brain?”
September 29, 2011
Scott was working at a lumberyard pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all four of his fingers.
He rushed to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the doctor took a look and said, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got the fingers." Scott replied.
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"
"Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up."
September 28, 2011
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
September 27, 2011
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church if the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:
“I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.”
September 26, 2011
It was a beautiful Texas Saturday morning as Jake--an avid hunter--woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
September 25, 2011
Ralphie was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he
jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For
Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
September 24, 2011
Gerald was watching a lion taming act at the circus.
The lion tamer's finale involved holding his head between the lion's gaping jaws for a full two minutes. This was greeted with rapturous applause.
Afterwards the lion tamer promised $1000 to anyone who would try the trick.
Gerald jumped up and shouted, "I'll try, but I'm not sure can hold my mouth that wide for so long."
September 23, 2011
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
September 22, 2011
The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
September 21, 2011
Tim and Don went on a fishing trip. They rented all the equipment: reels, rods, wading suits, rowboat, car, even a cabin in the woods. They spent a fortune.
The first day they went fishing, they didn't catch anything. The same thing happened on the second day and the third. It went on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Tim caught a fish.
They drove home quiet and depressed. Finally, Tim broke the silence and said to Don, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
To which Don replied, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
September 20, 2011
"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."
September 19, 2011
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store & bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
Yes," she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
The blonde turned around and replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela,"
September 18, 2011
A police car pulled up in front of grandma's house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh papa," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't lost mama... I was just too tired to walk home."
September 17, 2011
Tom and Darryl were doing construction on a house. As Darryl was nailing down siding he would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.
Tom, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Darryl explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."
Tom was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
September 16, 2011
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said, "Put that stupid cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."
September 15, 2011
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.
"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died.
"No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."
September 14, 2011
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the
man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of
Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, " Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. " She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
September 12, 2011
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:45?"
September 11, 2011
How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
September 10, 2011
Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs.
Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over!
Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear).
Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.
Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door.
Taking out the Trash -- If you can't find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.
Dishes -- Dishwasher...if it doesn't come off run it again and again if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).
We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the 'puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!
September 9, 2011
There was this lady who was visiting a church for the first time one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation actually fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
The man replied, " You're not the only one ma'am. I'm glad it's done too!!!"
September 8, 2011
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.
One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "Oh, it's in here with me."
September 7, 2011
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
September 6, 2011
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth."
September 5, 2011
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers.
"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
September 4, 2011
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with her tirade. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him:
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied: "That would be fine with me"
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
September 3, 2011
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, Hey Tim, what're you in for?
I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried, said Tim.
Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!
Oh yeah'' replied Tim. That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you What're you here for?
I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is, Sammy answered.
Oh my god, circumcision I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!
September 2, 2011
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mom," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mom, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mom!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mom," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mom, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
September 1, 2011
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?