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September, 2012

Water Pistol

When the three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

His mother was not so pleased. She turned to her Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

Daddy, why is it...

One day, a young camel decided to ask his father some questions about growing up.

"Daddy, why is it that we have humps on our backs?"

"Well, son, we have humps on our backs that contain fat to sustain us through many days when we are out in the desert."

"Oh, thanks, Dad!" said the youngster. Then he asked, "Daddy, why is it that we have long eye lashes over our eyes?"

"Well, son," said the father, "in the desert, there are many sand storms that whip up a lot of sand, which can get into our eyes. The long eyelashes protect our eyes from being blinded."

"Oh, thanks, Dad!" said the youngster. "Dad, why is it that we have great big padded feet?"

"Well, son, in the desert, the sand is very soft, and we need big feet to be able to walk on the sand without our feet sinking into the soft sand."

"Well, thanks, Dad, but what the heck are we doing in the Toledo Zoo?"

Ice Fishing Secret

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line.  He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying. 

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Sales vs. Management

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

Wait Your Turn

A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

Him Too?

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

How Much?

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

Capital Punishment

 Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.  But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

 "Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial!  It's a simple civil lawsuit.  A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

 "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve.  I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

Slap Slap

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. “Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”

“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.”

“What was the jingle?” asked the first.

“Oh,” replied the other off-hand, “just our medals.”

Expecting

"How does Kerry like being pregnant?" Brian asked his friend David.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," David replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Brian pressed.

"Well," David explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet..."

Things NOT to tell your pregnant wife...

- "I finished the Oreos"

- "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

- "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

- "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 26th is the Super Bowl"

- "Fred at the office passed a kidney stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"

- "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

- "Get your own ice cream."

- "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"

- "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

- "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."

Power Outage

No joke, we really had a power outage :)

Would You Like to Dance

Not sure how it ever got started, but a tradition in the Navy is all of the pilots dance with the Wing Commander's wife. I walked over at a dance once and asked if she'd like to dance and she said, “I don't dance with a child.”

I smiled, bowed, and replied, “Oh! I'm sorry. If I'd known your condition, I wouldn't have asked.”

Logical Math Answer

The math teacher posed this problem,  "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars."

"One fifth is to go to his wife, one fifth is to go to his son, one sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

The savvy student answered, "A lawyer!"

Six year-old Sophie brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly As and a couple of Bs.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sophie is a smart little girl, but she has one fault: she talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sophie's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sophie because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Little Timmy

Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"

Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."

"No, she isn't," said Timmy.

"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!"

Hit-And-Run

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized her laugh!"

Good News / Bad News

The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled.

"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."

The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver. "The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski."

Tips

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the  dealer. 

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.

Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."

Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.  During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world.  I wish we could travel all over the world."  The fairy waved her wand and POOF!  She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn.  He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!  He was 90.

Top Secret

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

The Hacker and The Anthill

The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill. 

He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill.  Ants went flying all over the place. 

One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we better get on the ball."

A Qualified Meteorologist

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Stan ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Stan wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

10 Worst Inventions Ever...

1. Water-proof towel

2. Solar powered flashlight

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat on a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bag

Hey, No Problem

One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought.

Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.

Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."

His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem," he said, ... "I can stop any time."

How Did You Do That?

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

All In The Punctuation

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Milking the Cow

After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.

An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained.  "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"

Scott & Glenn

Scott and Glenn were in a mental institution. Every year there was a contest where they picked two of the best patients and gave them two questions. If they got them correct, they would be deemed cured and discharged.

Scott was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he would be released if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor the asked, "Scott, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Scott answered, "I'd be half blind, doc."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor got up, shook Scott's hand and told him he could go.

On his way out, while the doctor was filling out the paperwork, Scott mentions the exam to Glenn. He told him what questions would be asked, and also the answers. Glenn was called in. The doctor went through the formalities then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

Glenn, remembering what Scott said was the correct answer, answers, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor was a little puzzled, but he continued: "What if I cut off both of your ears?"

"I'd be completely blind." Glenn answers.

"Glenn, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

"My hat would fall over my eyes."

Lighthouses

I was in Las Vegas a few years ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.

"Lighthouses?" I asked.

"Yes lighthouses. We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them" The driver replied.

Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"

"Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.

I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad.  You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained that it was for "light house keeping".