September 1 - 30,
Wednesday, September 30,
There was a Packers fan with a really
bad seat at Lambeau Field. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat
on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to
the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to
it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She
passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry
to hear that. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Erecting Telephone Poles
A foreman sent out two groups of men to
put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end
of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was
The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they
had installed. The reply was eleven.
The foreman patted the guy on the back
and said, "Not bad." Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him
the same question. Two was the reply.
"Two! All you installed were two?! The
other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.
leader answered, "But you should have seen how much they left sticking
Tuesday, September 29,
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we
will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their
present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and
behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4",
dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the
Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a
group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other
two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an
even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall,
monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of
the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest
of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the
figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of
this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the
voiceof the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned
Monday, September 28,
A lawyer who works in Texas receives
news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for
a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to
tell his wife he is going.
The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put
his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife
is in the living room kissing the mailman!
Now the man is furious, and would
rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he
tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife
and the mailman.
She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is
legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he
finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear
the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some
splashes. The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks "did you kill
"Yes!", she replies.
"What did you do with the bodies?"
threw them in the pool."
(A Long Pause)
"Pool? ... Say, is this
Jim and Ted play golf together every
Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter. One Monday, Ted can't
miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can't believe his eyes!
the round, Jim asks, "What has happened? You can't miss today."
"Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom".
When Ted comes back the
front of his pants are all wet. Confused, Jim asks "What happened to your
"I'll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game. I went to
the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down,
I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big
hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can't miss."
"I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the
little one wasn't mine, so I put it away."
Sunday, September 27,
A man goes into a pet shop and tells
the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says,
"How about a dog?"
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says,
"How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The owner thinks for a minute,
then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, A centipede? I can't
imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay...I'll try a centipede." He gets
the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and...it's immaculate. All the dishes
and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away, the countertops cleaned,
the appliances sparkling, the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to
the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks
into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and
dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to
himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet
that can do everything."
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner
and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...
No centipede. 20 minutes later... No centipede. 30 minutes later... No
centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been
back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... Still no centipede! He can't
imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run
over by a
car? Where is that centipede? He goes to the front door, opens it
and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey, I sent you
down to the corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my
Saturday, September 26,
Here's one about the old native
American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application,
"What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewlery to city and sell
it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of
the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker
decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the
bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the
banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest
of that money?"
"Put in teepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank,"
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we
take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for
Friday, September 25,
Revenge of the Seed Spitters
The was a farmer who raised
watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids
who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.
After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought
would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the
field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign,it says ``Warning,
one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the
farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field
he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to
his. He drives up to the sign which read: ``Now there are
An eye-doctor was having his 40th
birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had
made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the
cake was placed.
Eagerly, the doctor removed the blindfold, looked down at
the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of
him was a huge cake with 40 marzipan eyes.
The guests asked him why he
laughed. After a few minutes of uncontrollable laughter the doctor said, "I'm
just thinking of my buddy, Dr. Rosen, who will be 50 next week. He's a
Thursday, September 24,
A group of Americans was touring
Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly
complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot,
It's too cold & the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the
site of the famous Blarney Stone."Good luck will be following you all your days,
if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have
some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who
has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose
you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the irritated guide
said, "but I've sat on it."
Wednesday, September 23,
It seems a farm boy accidentally
overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us.
Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis
answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better
now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the
neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
Tuesday, September 22,
Jack decided to go skiing with his
buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving
for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack
said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a
letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do
you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen
to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and
he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me
Monday, September 21,
The Cohens were shown into the
dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.
fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just
pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as
stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is
Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. "Show him your tooth,
A minister dies and is waiting in line
at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you,
so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe
and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into
Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect
and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work
by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he
drove, people prayed."
Sunday, September 20,
Moses' account of the creation in the
book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that
many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from
one of Adam's ribs. Science has railed against such simple beliefs for
centuries; last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the
Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date
Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings
on earth are much more scientifically plausible.
"and God created Woman,
giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spake, saying to her, "I
have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the
universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer
And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole
litters; I do not need but two breasts."
And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as
I have created thee with wisdom." There was a crack and a lingering odor of
ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her
"Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman
And so it was, God created Man."
Saturday, September 19,
A doctor began having an affair with
his nurse, and shortly after it started, she became was pregnant.
his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go to
Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well", he said, "After
you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to
Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his
"Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she
explained. "I don't understand what it means."
"Just wait till I get home and
I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his
post card which said: "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE
Friday, September 18,
"Take one of these pills after each
meal", the doctor said. "And I suggest you have a shot of whiskey each night
before bed too."
The patient returned 2 weeks later complaining that he still
didn't feel well.
"Did you do what I told you to do?" the doctor
"Well", the patient said. "I've fallen a little behind in taking the
pills." Then he smiled and added "but I'm about 2 months ahead with the
The Man Who Loved Beans
Once upon a time lived a man who had a
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When
it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived
in the country, he phoned his wife and told her he would be late because he had
to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of
baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he
thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he released his
gas. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at
the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and
led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel more gas build up. Just as his wife was
about the remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not
to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone,
he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let it go. It
was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he
felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He has just started to feel
better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded
like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging he
tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just
about returning to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his
weight to his other leg and let go. This was a really blue ribbon winner; the
windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on
the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
hallway, and keeping his promise to stay blindfolded, he carried on like this
for the next 10 minutes, releasing and then fanning each time with his
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his
loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his
hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife walked in, Apologizing for taking so long, she asked he had peeked at the
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold
and yelled "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday
Thursday, September 17,
An astronaut had just finished his
first meal on the moon when it was time for a report back to Houston. When he
was asked about his meal, the astronaut said "The food was good, but the place
A golfer was on the 3rd tee when he
sliced his drive so bad that it went into the 5th fairway, hit another golfer on
the head and killed him instantly.
"This is terrible!" said his partner,
"What should we do?"
"Well," the first golfer replied, "I think I'll try
bringing my left hand over and keeping my elbow locked."
Wednesday, September 16,
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on
a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night,
Holmes said: "Watson, look
up into the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and
millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great
and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
stole our tent".
Tuesday, September 15,
A Dutch visitor was explaining to an
American how he saw the red, white and blue of the Netherlands flag.
me", he said, " Our flag symbolizes our taxes. We get red when we talk about
them, white when we see our tax bills and blue after they've been paid."
know what you mean" said the American, "It's the same here. Only difference is,
we see stars too!"
Monday, September 14,
A wife went to the police station with
her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman
asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark
eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is
5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM
An architect, an artist and an engineer
were discussing whether it was better to spend one's time with a wife or
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed spending
time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" the others
"Yeah," said the engineer. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
will each assume you're spending time with the other, and you can go the lab and
get some work done.
Sunday, September 13,
The monks were allowed to talk just one
day per year and for only a few moments. On the appointed day, one monk said, "I
wish we could have seeds in our rye bread."
A year went by and the day came
again. A different monk said, " I don't like seeds in the rye bread."
later a third monk was heard saying, "I just can't stand this constant
Saturday, September 12,
There were two babies side by side in
the nursery, one male and the other female.
One day they were just cooing
away, when the little girl baby started screaming, "Rape! Rape! Rape!!!!"
little boy baby leaned up and looked over at the little girl baby and said,
"Aww...roll over and shut up, you're lying on your pacifier!"
Friday, September 11,
The Power Of Suggestion
A local preacher was dissatisfied with
the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him
that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple.
First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than
usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain
and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in
the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as
suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the
preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday.
So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis
again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain
on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs
and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a
week to clean up the church.
Thursday, September 10,
An older couple wake up in the morning
and the husband looks over at the woman and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe
the dream I had..."
And the woman replied, "Yes, go on tell me."
husband told her. "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being
So the wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."
husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."
Wednesday, September 9,
A well dressed woman walked into a pet
store and headed straight for the bird department. After a few minutes of
looking around, the owner approached her.
" May I help you?" he
"Yes" she replied, "How much is that red bird in that large
"Six hundred dollars."
"Fine" she said, " I have my car right
outside, I'd like you to send me the bill."
"Nothing doing lady!" the owner
said, " You take the whole bird or nothing at all!"
When Jarrett was trying to decide which
branch of the military to join, he sought advice from his two uncles.
Air Force reservist, the other a Marine.
After Jarrett had decided on the
Marine Corps and left for boot camp, his Air Force uncle told a friend, "I must
not be a very good salesman."
"I guess not," replied his friend. "But I bet
right now you're his favorite uncle."
Tuesday, September 8,
Smarter Than You Think
There was a little boy named Johnny who
used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's
problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always
comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5
cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said,
because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner
took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think
you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the
nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johny turned toward the store
owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the
dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
Monday, September 7,
Our Government at work......
There were two guys working for the
city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind
him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One
digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the
sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the
hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a
hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
digger replied, "Oh ya, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is
Saturday, September 5,
The therapist sat back and folded his
hands. "You have to make every effort not to dream about baseball", he said.
"For example," he continued, "When you go to sleep, think about being at a
lottery drawing and your about to win $25 million."
"Are you crazy Doc?" said
the patient, " I'd miss my turn at bat!!!"
Friday, September 4,
A school teacher send this note home
with each student on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe
everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe
everything he/she says happens at home."
School days are the best days of your
...provided your children are old enough to go.
Thursday, September 3,
A Dark & Stormy Night
One summer evening during a violent
thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to
turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I
can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was
broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."
Wednesday, September 2,
It was a bold man who first ate an
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in
love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their
vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Jody," he said. "I'm a golf
nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest,
so will I," Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," he said. Then brightening, he
smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you
hit the ball."
Tuesday, September 1,
An 60 year old couple were having
problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at
the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having
with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that
they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make
notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well
I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause
I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of
ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream
on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can
remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he
returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."