Todays Chuckle Archive - September,1998

To Boldly Go...	Smarter Than You Think	Golf Is Blind
Schoolteacher	A Dark & Stormy Night	School Days
Memory Lapse	Our Government at work...	Obsession
Bird Shopping	You Need Me!	Which One?
Three Monks	The Power Of Suggestion	Two Babies
Missing Husband	Wife vs. Mistress	Taxes
Space Food	Golfers	It's Elementary
Medications	The Man Who Loved Beans	Saurkraut
Heavenly Rewards	In the Beginning...	No Frills, Please
Public Service	Overturned Wagon	The Blizzard
The Wise Indian	Revenge of the Seed Spitters	The Eyes Have It
Golf Partners	The Centepide	Texas Lawyer
Trip to Hell	Erecting Telephone Poles	Packers Tickets

There was a Packers fan with a really bad seat at Lambeau Field. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear that. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.
The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was eleven.
The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, "Not bad." Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. Two was the reply.
"Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.
"Yeah," the leader answered, "But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!"

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voiceof the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned ........"

A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.
The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is in the living room kissing the mailman!
Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman.
She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks "did you kill them?".
"Yes!", she replies.
"What did you do with the bodies?"
"I threw them in the pool."
(A Long Pause)
"Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?"

Jim and Ted play golf together every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter. One Monday, Ted can't miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can't believe his eyes!
After the round, Jim asks, "What has happened? You can't miss today."
Ted says, "Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom".
When Ted comes back the front of his pants are all wet. Confused, Jim asks "What happened to your pants?"
"I'll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game. I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can't miss."
"What about your pants?"
"I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the little one wasn't mine, so I put it away."

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay...I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and...it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away, the countertops cleaned, the appliances sparkling, the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything."
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... No centipede. 20 minutes later... No centipede. 30 minutes later... No centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... Still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a
car? Where is that centipede? He goes to the front door, opens it and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey, I sent you down to the corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewlery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in teepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign,it says ``Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: ``Now there are two".

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly, the doctor removed the blindfold, looked down at the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake with 40 marzipan eyes.
The guests asked him why he laughed. After a few minutes of uncontrollable laughter the doctor said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy, Dr. Rosen, who will be 50 next week. He's a gynecologist."

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot, It's too cold & the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone."Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. "Show him your tooth, Honey."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs. Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries; last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible.
"and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"
And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I do not need but two breasts."
And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom." There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.
"Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.
And so it was, God created Man."

A doctor began having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after it started, she became was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office.
"Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means."
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said: "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

"Take one of these pills after each meal", the doctor said. "And I suggest you have a shot of whiskey each night before bed too."
The patient returned 2 weeks later complaining that he still didn't feel well.
"Did you do what I told you to do?" the doctor asked.
"Well", the patient said. "I've fallen a little behind in taking the pills." Then he smiled and added "but I'm about 2 months ahead with the whiskey!"

Once upon a time lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he released his gas. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel more gas build up. Just as his wife was about the remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He has just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returning to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a really blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise to stay blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, releasing and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in, Apologizing for taking so long, she asked he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

An astronaut had just finished his first meal on the moon when it was time for a report back to Houston. When he was asked about his meal, the astronaut said "The food was good, but the place lacks atmosphere."

A golfer was on the 3rd tee when he sliced his drive so bad that it went into the 5th fairway, hit another golfer on the head and killed him instantly.
"This is terrible!" said his partner, "What should we do?"
"Well," the first golfer replied, "I think I'll try bringing my left hand over and keeping my elbow locked."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night,
Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".

A Dutch visitor was explaining to an American how he saw the red, white and blue of the Netherlands flag.
"To me", he said, " Our flag symbolizes our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bills and blue after they've been paid."
" I know what you mean" said the American, "It's the same here. Only difference is, we see stars too!"

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend one's time with a wife or mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" the others asked.
"Yeah," said the engineer. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you're spending time with the other, and you can go the lab and get some work done.

The monks were allowed to talk just one day per year and for only a few moments. On the appointed day, one monk said, "I wish we could have seeds in our rye bread."
A year went by and the day came again. A different monk said, " I don't like seeds in the rye bread."
A year later a third monk was heard saying, "I just can't stand this constant bickering."

There were two babies side by side in the nursery, one male and the other female.
One day they were just cooing away, when the little girl baby started screaming, "Rape! Rape! Rape!!!!"
The little boy baby leaned up and looked over at the little girl baby and said, "Aww...roll over and shut up, you're lying on your pacifier!"

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.

An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."
And the woman replied, "Yes, go on tell me."
So the husband told her. "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."
So the wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."
The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

A well dressed woman walked into a pet store and headed straight for the bird department. After a few minutes of looking around, the owner approached her.
" May I help you?" he asked.
"Yes" she replied, "How much is that red bird in that large cage?"
"Six hundred dollars."
"Fine" she said, " I have my car right outside, I'd like you to send me the bill."
"Nothing doing lady!" the owner said, " You take the whole bird or nothing at all!"

When Jarrett was trying to decide which branch of the military to join, he sought advice from his two uncles.
One an Air Force reservist, the other a Marine.
After Jarrett had decided on the Marine Corps and left for boot camp, his Air Force uncle told a friend, "I must not be a very good salesman."
"I guess not," replied his friend. "But I bet right now you're his favorite uncle."

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh ya, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

The therapist sat back and folded his hands. "You have to make every effort not to dream about baseball", he said. "For example," he continued, "When you go to sleep, think about being at a lottery drawing and your about to win $25 million."
"Are you crazy Doc?" said the patient, " I'd miss my turn at bat!!!"

A school teacher send this note home with each student on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he/she says happens at home."

School days are the best days of your life....
...provided your children are old enough to go.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Jody," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

An 60 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."