September 1999

Schoolteacher	Beating A Speeding Ticket	Nuts to You
Cross-Country Trip	From the Mouths of Babes	I'd Give Anything
Elevated Train	Busted!	T-Shirt Slogans
Warning!	Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned	A Letter from Grandma
Correct Interpretations	Little Johnny	CNN Report
Bees	You Know It's Time To Join E-mail Anonymous When:	Cookies
Baptism	Bit of Bashing	Mutual...
Successful Marriage	Tech Support Calls	He'll Believe
Caught!	Thoughts to Ponder!	Once A Pun A Time
Poor Old Lady	Lil' Johnny	Baby I'm Hot!
Multi-tasking Coke!	Pondering Life's Many Questions	My Mother...
Rooster	Management Moral Boosters

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If at first you don't succeed - try management.

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

The farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old boy time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these Chickens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster thinks, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start.
So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!", and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn it, third gay rooster I bought this month."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

Mine was; Don't listen to me--play in the street and when you get killed by a car - don't come crying to me.

1.If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2.If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
3.If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become DISoriented?
4.Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
5.What do chickens think we taste like?
6.What do people in China call their good plates?
7.What do you call a male ladybug? (Confused)
8.What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
9.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
10.When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time to set it to?
11.Which is the other side of the street?
12.Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
13.Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
14.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
15.Why don't they call mustaches, mouthbrows?
16.Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Just when you thought you knew everything....

To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola .
To clean corrsion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF!?!!!

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm. The lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J. C. Penney and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.
I said: Well, then why are you crying?
She said: He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.
I said: Well so why are you crying?
She said: For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am.
I said: Well, why in the world would you be crying?
She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!!!!!

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of young seagulls. One day his supply of the hatchlings ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged ands aid, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow (only to be troubled and insecure)?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ..."practice"?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

After meeting in a pub, a couple returned to the woman's flat for a drink. It wasn't long before things became passionate, and the couple began tearing their clothes off as they headed for the bedroom. Fifteen minutes later, the woman suddenly jumped up in bed and cried. "Oh my god, it's my husband!"
"Crap," exclaimed the guy, trying to find his pants, "where's the back door?"
"There isn't one," replied the woman, panicking. "Okay," said the guy, "where would you like one?"

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon", explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn`t gone too far when my wife`s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said `That`s once.` We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, `That`s twice.` We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, `That`s once.`

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

~~~~

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing and I'm not going to read any friggin book."

~~~~

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

~~~~

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

~~~~

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

~~~~

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive - go to A:/ and type 'dir'."
Customer: reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key... does that matter?"

~~~~

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ..."

Associated Press:
Texas' worst air disaster occurred today when a small, two-seater Cessna 152 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in College Station. Aggie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and co-pilot survived and are helping in the efforts.

Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.
"You know, " says Sadie, "I've been reading this "'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?"
"No," says Esther, "I think we had Prudential."

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.

You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for free Internet access.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages" - so you check it again.

You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

After reading this TodaysChuckle.com joke, you immediately e-mail it to everyone you know. :)

There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:
"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ... There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing
on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

I just saw a report on CNN, they have finally released the ingredients in Viagra.

2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat."

In a monastary in the middle of nowhere, the monks would write pages of the holy manuscripts handed down for generations by word of mouth. One day, a young monk saw the Head monk and asked him how they knew if they were writing the correct words. The head monk responded, "That's my job, I proof read the pages and correct the errors." The young monk was satisfied with the answer. Later, the Head monk started thinking. He had never seen the original maunscripts. How did he know that the words handed down to him after generations of word of mouth were correct? He decided to read the originals himself. He went down through the catacombs and tunnels, deep into the mountain. He opened the heavy vault door. He looked over the piles of gold and jewels, until finally he found the original holy manuscripts. He sat down and began reading.
Meanwhile, up in the monastery, the monks heard this strange wailing. It sounded like it was coming from inside the mountain. They went down through the catacombs and tunnels, looked through the piles of gold and jewels, finally in the back corner, there was the Head monk wailing. They asked him what was wrong. After several minutes of him trying to regain his composure, he said, "The original holy manuscripts, we were
wrong, they said...............CELEBRATE!"

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Warning!
Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile and make sure it's Y2K compliant!!!
Word has it, if it isn't, come January 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900 and then turn into Sears Catalogs!

Dear Johnny:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, in the kitchen, upstairs in the bedrooms or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home.
Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one he thought to himself.
"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock." she says over her morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.
"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'damn,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"

"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

"West Virginia: One Million People, Fifteen Last Names"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

"I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN....any questions?"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"

"Where there's a will I want to be in it"

"MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

"The Meek shall inherit the earth....after the rest of us are through with it."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a pig."

"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"

"WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

"Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."

"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

"Automobile -A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people."

"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."

"Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

"MOP AND GLOW -Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

"NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the convention- I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.
"What," he says, "are you doing on the bed with my wife?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil,
and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's... Father O'Malley."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from North Carolina, and the last one is from New Jersey.
A little ways down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground and I'm sick of looking at them."
A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and begins throwing them out the window.
The man from North Carolina asks, "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from North Carolina opens the car door and pushes the guy from New Jersey out.

A wise schoolteacher send a note home to all the parents on the first day of school. The note reads:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

A pastor got this note addressed to him and his wife with a box of goodies from one of the old ladies in his parish:
"Dear Pastor, Knowing you do not like sweets, I am sending candy to your wife - and nuts to you."

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.