September 6 - 12,
Friday, September 12, 1997
There was a little boy sitting on the
curb one day. The little tyke had a bottle half full of acid. It seems he was
droppin' those big, black ants into it every time he caught one. It made a small
puff of smoke shortly after hitting the acid.
An old priest came along and
was watching the kid drop those ants into oblivion. Apparently he thought this
would be a good time to teach the little squirt the value of life.
said to the the kid, "What do you have there son?"
"Oh, I got some magic
water, Father, the boy innocently replied. "See," and *poof* went another
"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too."
Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?"
"No," says the
priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed a baby."
deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's tail the other day,
and he passed a motorcycle!"
Thursday, September 11,
The Merits of a Mistress
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer
scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
An artist tells of the
passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth
it. Too many problems.
A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's
ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm
home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
Wednesday, September 10,
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a
New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter
explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a
"Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell
asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter."And when people rode
in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they even
Tuesday, September 9, 1997
A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of
his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but
our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce
of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and sees a woman lying near him, who had also managed to survive this far,
but she was unconscious and barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with
some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing and conscious
again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved
my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go
by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut,
there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love
with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True
Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking
kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful
life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind,
putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his
shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure,
honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says." Okay, would you
put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says,
"Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He
rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never
believe who I'm sleeping with!"
Monday, September 8,
A man stumbles up to the only other
patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland,"
replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from
Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first
man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What
school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars
and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are
Sunday, September 7, 1997
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses
the students pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being
caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any
A short silence is broken by a male in the auditorium who
"HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"
Saturday, September 6, 1997
Two old fellas had been golfing together for more than
fifty years. One afternoon, they both tee'd off, one onto the fairway, the other
into the trees. The two old guys went into the trees to look for the ball.
After five or ten minutes, they found it...but sitting on top of the ball
was a large frog. As they approached, the frog whistled and said, "If you kiss
me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and for the rest of your life, I'll give
you the best sex you've ever had."
The old guy bent down, picked up the frog
and stuffed it in his golf bag.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOIN? DIDN'T YOU HEAR HER?"
screamed his friend.
"YUP!, but at my age, I think I'd rather have a talking