tca090697


Hopping Temptations	Fines
Two Drunks	Sleeping with Cindy
Cabbie and the Preacher	The Merits of a Mistress
Magic Water

There was a little boy sitting on the curb one day. The little tyke had a bottle half full of acid. It seems he was droppin' those big, black ants into it every time he caught one. It made a small puff of smoke shortly after hitting the acid.
An old priest came along and was watching the kid drop those ants into oblivion. Apparently he thought this would be a good time to teach the little squirt the value of life.
The priest said to the the kid, "What do you have there son?"
"Oh, I got some magic water, Father, the boy innocently replied. "See," and *poof* went another ant.
"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too."
"Oh Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?"
"No," says the priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed a baby."
"Big deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's tail the other day, and he passed a motorcycle!"

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter."And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they even prayed."

A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, who had also managed to survive this far, but she was unconscious and barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing and conscious again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says." Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction.
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?".
A short silence is broken by a male in the auditorium who shouts:
"HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"

Two old fellas had been golfing together for more than fifty years. One afternoon, they both tee'd off, one onto the fairway, the other into the trees. The two old guys went into the trees to look for the ball.
After five or ten minutes, they found it...but sitting on top of the ball was a large frog. As they approached, the frog whistled and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and for the rest of your life, I'll give you the best sex you've ever had."
The old guy bent down, picked up the frog and stuffed it in his golf bag.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOIN? DIDN'T YOU HEAR HER?" screamed his friend.
"YUP!, but at my age, I think I'd rather have a talking frog."