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September 13 - 19, 1997

Friday, September 19, 1997

SAUERKRAUT

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back".
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office.
"Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which said:

"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

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Thursday, September 18, 1997

Entry Quiz

3 nuns, 2 old and 1 young, are killed in a fatal car accident. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter informs them that they each must answer one question correctly to get into heaven. At this point, the young nun is very nervous. She is thinking that the older nuns are so smart and that they know everything here is to know. The oldest nun gets the first question, "Who was the first man?"
She replies, "Adam."
Ding! Ding! Ding! The gates to heaven open and the old nun is escorted in.
The next oldest nun is asked, "Who was the first woman?"
She replies, "Eve."
Ding! Ding! Ding! The gates open and she is escorted in.
At this point the young nun is very nervous, even though she knew the answers to those questions. "The next one just has to be much harder," she thinks hesitantly.
The moment arrives, and her mind is in turmoil. St. Peter asks her, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
Buying time, the young nun says, "Boy. That's a hard one."
Ding! Ding! Ding!

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Wednesday, September 17, 1997

More Bumper Stickers

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Born free...Taxed to death.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Be nice to your children; they will be picking your nursing home.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes.

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Tuesday, September 16, 1997

MEDICAL RECORDS

QUOTES FROM ACTUAL MEDICAL RECORDS AS DICTATED BY PHYSICIANS?

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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Monday, September 15, 1997

Performance Evaluations

Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

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Sunday, September 14, 1997

Flat Tire

Two students were up visiting friends and they partied really hard over the weekend and by Sunday they were so hung-over that they could not make the drive back. They both had a biochemistry test on Monday that they missed.
They called their teacher when they got back into town on Monday and told him that they had gotten a flat tire up north. The teacher responded very calmly and told the students to simply come in and take the test on Tuesday. The students were very happy with the understanding professor.
When the boys came into class on Tuesday, to take the test the teacher had put the boys in separate rooms just so they would not cheat. The teacher trusted the boys, but he did not want them to have any temptations. The boys were fine with this... they
knew their material.
The first page had a difficult chemistry problem on it worth 30 points. Both boys figured the problem out. Each of the boys turned to the second page and the question said........"70 points - Which tire?"

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Saturday, September 13, 1997

The Ten Commandments

The preacher's sermon was on the Ten Commandments. When he reached the fourth, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," he noticed that one of his parishioners, a little man sitting in the front row, became very agitated. When the preacher reached the seventh, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," the man suddenly smiled and relaxed. After the service, the preacher approached the man and asked him the reason for his peculiar behavior.
The man replied with an embarrassed smile, "When you talked about the Fourth Commandment, I suddenly discovered that my umbrella was missing. But when you said, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it!"

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