September 13 - 19,
Friday, September 19, 1997
A doctor started having an affair with
his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become
pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money
and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy
and have the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?"
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post
card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back".
Not knowing what else to do, she
took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the
doctor's wife called him at his office.
"Dear, you received a very strange
post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that
evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE
Thursday, September 18, 1997
3 nuns, 2 old and 1 young, are killed in a fatal car
accident. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter informs them that they
each must answer one question correctly to get into heaven. At this point, the
young nun is very nervous. She is thinking that the older nuns are so smart and
that they know everything here is to know. The oldest nun gets the first
question, "Who was the first man?"
She replies, "Adam."
Ding! Ding! Ding!
The gates to heaven open and the old nun is escorted in.
The next oldest nun
is asked, "Who was the first woman?"
She replies, "Eve."
Ding! Ding! Ding!
The gates open and she is escorted in.
At this point the young nun is very
nervous, even though she knew the answers to those questions. "The next one just
has to be much harder," she thinks hesitantly.
The moment arrives, and her
mind is in turmoil. St. Peter asks her, "What was the first thing Eve said to
Buying time, the young nun says, "Boy. That's a hard one."
Wednesday, September 17,
More Bumper Stickers
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
brake for no apparent reason.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using
your turn signal.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth
He who laughs last thinks
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born free...Taxed to
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.
I don't date outside my species.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
at the top, but you eat better.
Some people are only alive because it is
illegal to kill.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3
kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Be nice to
your children; they will be picking your nursing home.
'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start
Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes.
Tuesday, September 16, 1997
QUOTES FROM ACTUAL MEDICAL
RECORDS AS DICTATED BY PHYSICIANS?
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will
get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
The patient refused an
The patient has no past history of suicides.
expired on the floor uneventfully.
The patient's past medical history has
been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and
anorexia for lunch.
The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the
Monday, September 15, 1997
Quotes Taken from actual performance
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and shows signs of starting to dig."
"His men would follow him
anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this
is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out
of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
Sunday, September 14, 1997
Two students were up visiting friends and they partied
really hard over the weekend and by Sunday they were so hung-over that they
could not make the drive back. They both had a biochemistry test on Monday that
They called their teacher when they got back into town on Monday
and told him that they had gotten a flat tire up north. The teacher responded
very calmly and told the students to simply come in and take the test on
Tuesday. The students were very happy with the understanding professor.
the boys came into class on Tuesday, to take the test the teacher had put the
boys in separate rooms just so they would not cheat. The teacher trusted the
boys, but he did not want them to have any temptations. The boys were fine with
knew their material.
The first page had a difficult chemistry
problem on it worth 30 points. Both boys figured the problem out. Each of the
boys turned to the second page and the question said........"70 points - Which
Saturday, September 13, 1997
The Ten Commandments
The preacher's sermon was on the Ten Commandments.
When he reached the fourth, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," he noticed that one of his
parishioners, a little man sitting in the front row, became very agitated. When
the preacher reached the seventh, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," the man
suddenly smiled and relaxed. After the service, the preacher approached the man
and asked him the reason for his peculiar behavior.
The man replied with an
embarrassed smile, "When you talked about the Fourth Commandment, I suddenly
discovered that my umbrella was missing. But when you said, Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it!"