September 20 - 26,
Friday, September 25, 1997
A woman is
trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She
reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still
too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still
can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.
Suddenly, she feels two
hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says
very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do
The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to
unzip my fly three times either!"
Thursday, September 25, 1997
It Could Have Been Worse...
There was an old country sheriff who always said,
"It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had
the same answer: "It could have been worse." One day, two deputies in the
sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in,
they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been
shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man
with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This
was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed
with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you
when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "it could have been worse."
way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them
have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time,
the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two
nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor
with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his
head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife
in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After
hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the
eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who
had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse?
There are three people in this farm- house, and all three of them are dead. It
couldn't have been worse!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see
that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in
there in that bed."
Wednesday, September 24,
A Fair Trade
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps
gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please,
sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying
goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go
around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you
will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around
back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished
already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I
think you should know. It's not a Porche you got there. It's a BMW."
Tuesday, September 23,
The Pearly Gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is
leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the
guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but,
you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one
REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a
moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the
highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor
girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they
were, about 50 of 'em torturing this young lady. Infuriated, I got out my car,
grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the
gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose
to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed
a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him
over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of
them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick,
deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'
Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten
Monday, September 22,
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being
interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of
questions, ending with, "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused
himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to
the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed,
and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused
himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a
consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations,
he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked
the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last
question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if
anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, "How
much do you want it to be?"
Sunday, September 21,
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her
lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the
woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a
baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies
after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but
complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is
visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places
her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?"
the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball
glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds,
acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the
transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says
"Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I
sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the
father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must
confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
start that in here now," the priest says.
Saturday, September 20,
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a
couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate
waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting they wonder if they could
possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St.
Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go
find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and
begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the
eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are
we> stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another
month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get
married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced,
slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened
couple. "Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a