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September 27 - Oct 3, 1997

Friday, Oct. 3, 1997

Doctor Visit

An old married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the old man, "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time,
I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "I have never heard of this before.
Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the old lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions.
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He says that after having sex for the first time, he is usually hot and sweaty. And then, after sex the second time he is usually cold and chilly. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old coot!" replied the lady. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

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Thursday, October 2, 1997

Blind Snake

There was this blind snake that lived in the woods. Almost every day the kids from the nearby neighborhood would hunt him down and play with him and beat him with sticks and generally make his life miserable. One day they even tied a metal lunch pail on to his tail so that he couldn't get rid of it. The poor blind snake was in such a predicament.... crawling around with that noisy lunch pail going "clang-clang-bang" every time he slithered over any rocks.
One day.... the snake, being blind, bumped into a creature of the forest and immediately said "I'm so sorry for bumping into you....I am blind you know."
The other creature said "Why, that is such a coincidence... I am blind also..and have been since birth. Why.... I don't even know what sort of animal I am !"
The blind snake replied "Maybe I can tell what sort of animal you are by feeling you."
The other creature replied "Oh, please do try.... I would love to know what sort of animal I am."
The snake began wrapping itself around the animal and talking at the same time "Hmmmmmm..... soft fuzzy tail....strong legs...long whiskers and really long ears ...... I know !! You're a rabbit !!"
The rabbit jumps with glee and shouts "I'm a RABBIT.... a RABBIT..... oh for joy, for joy !!!" He then says "Well, what sort of animal are you ?"
The snake replies "I really don't know....maybe you could tell me ?"
The rabbit begins feeling the snake and talking out loud at the same time "Hmmmmmm...... forked tongue....scales....... cold and slimy....... no balls and you're carrying a briefcase. I KNOW............... YOU'RE A LAWYER !!!!!!!!"

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Wednesday, October 1, 1997

Thelma and George

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, 'George everything looks great physically. How are
you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?'
George replied, 'God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! the light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off.'
'Wow' commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!'
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. 'Thelma,' he said, 'George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on, he goes to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?'
Thelma replied, 'Damn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!'

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Tuesday, September 30, 1997

Poultry Passions

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the groin.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

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Monday September 29, 1997

Too Much of a Good Thing

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train...
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world. Nowhere in the world can you find Vodka as good as the kind we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and threw out the half-full bottle. The others seem quite impressed by the wasteful display.
Then the Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, lights it and begins to smoke, saying, "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the entire world. Havanas!! Nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the remainder of the pack of Havanas through the window. Once again, everybody seems quite impressed.
The American looks at the lawyer stands up, opens the window and shoves out the lawyer.

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Sunday, September 28, 1997

The Gifted Retiree

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark .......................... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999

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Saturday, September 27, 1997

The Bar Drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can'tpossibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

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