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October, 2000

Walking Home Alone

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
      
      
      
       BUMP...
      
      
      
      
       BUMP...
      
      
      
      
       BUMP... behind him.
      
      
      
      
      
      
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
      
      
      
      
       BUMP...
      
      
      
      
      
      
       BUMP...
      
      
      
      
      
      
       BUMP...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       faster...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       faster...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       BUMP...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       BUMP....
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       BUMP....
      
      
      
      
      
      
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.    
      
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       clappity-BUMP...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       clappity-BUMP...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       clappity-BUMP...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       clappity-BUMP...
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
       on the heels of the terrified man.... .
      
      
      
      
      
      
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .
     
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.

       Bumping and clapping towards him.
      
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ...
His hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition.......and
      
      
      
       ...........
      
      
      
       ...........
      
      
      
      
      
       ..........
      
      
      
       ...........
      
      
      
       ...........
      
      
      
       ...........
      
      
      
       ...........
      
      
      
       ...........
      
      
      
       ..........
      
      
       .........................the coffin stops

Gotcha!!! Happy Halloween All!!! 

Genius Dog

A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.

So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.

Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc's sake!", The guy responds "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."

Norman

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Norman what is your problem?"
Norman answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade, too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Norman to the principal's office.
While Norman waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Norman was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Norman: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Norman: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Norman can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some questions?"
 The principal and Norman both nod in agreement. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Norman, after a moment: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Norman replied, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Norman in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions  myself."

The Proposal

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." 
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. 
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Three Little Pigs

A little pig walked into a bar, ordered a drink and asked where the toilet was.
"It's just down the hall" replied the bartender.
A moment later, another little pig walks into the bar, orders a drink and asks where the toilet is.
Again, the bartender says "It's just down the hall."
Then a third little pig walks into the bar, orders a drink and the bartender says "I suppose you want to use the toilet too?"
"Oh no!" says the third pig, "I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

Getting A Close Shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

The Sixth Sense?

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

Curses

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond  ring he had ever seen. 
He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said.  "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."

Jumping to Conclusions

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank.  He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

Sayings You'll Never See In A Hallmark

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............
What was I thinking?"
 
"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."
 
"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"
 
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
 
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
 
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
 
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"
 
"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
 
"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."
 
"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"
  
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
 
"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"
 
"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."
 
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
 
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
 
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday............
So we're having you put to sleep."

Zoology 101

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird was a drape and only the legs showing.
He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.
The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.
He went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door, the professor called out "One moment, son, what's
your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said "You guess buddy! You guess!"

Branding

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed.  But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."

The Last Word

Two husbands were discussing their married lives.  Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.  Then Jack said, "I've made one great discovery.  I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sam, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Jack.  "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

Learning Golf

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking  he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and  onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally  said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great!!!  NOW you tell me!!!"

God and The Pope

The phone rings in heaven. St. Peter answers: "Hello? Yes... yes... yes, just a moment."
Putting his hand over the receiver, he continues, "God, it's the Pope; he wants to discuss women in the clergy again."
God, tired of the Pope and his problems, says, "Look, there are millions of people praying right now, and I'm trying to make plans...  Tell him I'm just not available."
"Of course," St. Peter replies. Removing his hand from the phone, he says to the Pope,
"She's not available right now..."

Believing in God

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man fell head over heels towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair. A booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
"Well," said God, "Now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster. But I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thought for a minute then said, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." And God replied, "So be it." The scene started in motion again with the Atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster.
As the man fell, he saw the monster fold his claws together and heard him say, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided... ."

Memorial Stone

A Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.  The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000.  And of course, I had to make a donation to the temple and that was another $5,000.  The rest went for the memorial stone.
The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone?  My God, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

The Preachers Mower

A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.  A man  stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.  The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy said, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man said, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
The boy replied, "You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"

The Christian Pet

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.  When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

A Real Golfer

A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in that day, hires another caddy. The day goes  along pretty well and the new caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, that has always been particularly tricky for the golfer, the man turns to the boy and asks, "Which club do you think I should use for this shot?"

The caddy replies, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron."

The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly.

Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think about golf. But after a year, he thinks, "I really loved the game. I shouldn't let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at least try to play once more and see how it feels."

He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets the same caddy as last time. When they get to the 9th fairway, he turns to his caddy and says, "Which club do you  think I should use?"

The caddy answers, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron."

The man turns to the caddy and shouts angrily, "You idiot! I played here a year ago and you told me to use the five iron and I completely missed the green!"

Funeral For A Friend

Little Johnny was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.  Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor said,  "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Johnny?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."    

Man vs. Woman

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Rising Crime Rates

The Mother Superior was discussing the rising crime rate with one of her nuns.

"Sister", she said, "What would you do if you were walking along the street and were accosted by a man?"

"I would lift my habit" replied the nun.

The Mother Superior was shocked to hear this. "Then what would you do?"

"I would tell him to drop his pants" the nun replied.

The Mother Superior was even more shocked. "And then what would you do?"

"I would run away because I would be able to run faster with my habit up then he could with his pants down!"

Gold Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

What If God Had Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life.  But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this........

"Thank you for calling The Lord's House.  Please select from the following options:

Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS.

Press 2 for THANKSGIVING.

Press 3 for COMPLAINTS.

Press 4 for HEALING.

Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS.

Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN.

Press 7 for MIRACLES.

Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS.

Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI"

Press 0 to hear this menu again."

Monday, October 9, 2000

Watergate Hotel

A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned about the room being bugged.
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "A-HA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

Thoughts to Ponder

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Saturday, October 7, 2000

Little Johnny's Trip to the Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "Especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Friday, October 6, 2000

The Lonely Priest

Father O'Brian, a young priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long if I didn't have my Rosary and two martinis each day."
"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop.  "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church."
"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it.  If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane."
The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable considering..."
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Henrietta and Gertrude, two middle-aged spinsters, went to the local zoo one day. As they reached the gorilla enclosure, one of the gorillas suddenly pulled Gertrude into his den and molested her.
A few weeks later the two women met. Henrietta asked how Gertrude was doing afer the attack.
"Well, how do you think?" snapped Gertrude, "he hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

Thursday, October 5, 2000

The Accident

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

The note read:
"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I'm not."

Wednesday, October 4, 2000

Things A Dog Needs to Remember

**The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even though I haven't gotten the chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it.

**I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

**I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

**I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

**I will not lick my human's face after eating animal dung.

**The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

**I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

Tuesday, October 3, 2000

Two Black Eyes

A man came home from church with two black eyes. "What on earth happened to you?" asked his wife.
"Well, I was sitting there in church and I noticed the woman in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her butt. So I reached over the pew and pulled it out. And she turned around and hit me in the eye."
"OK. That explains one black eye but what about the other one?"
"Well, I figured that she must have been how she wanted her dress, so I put it back!"