Thursday, October 31, 2002
The CEO was
scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his
employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned
from the big event, he was furious.
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
On a foggy
night at sea, the ship's captain saw what appeared to be the lights of
another ship heading toward him. He instructed his signalman to
contact the other ship by signal light. He sent the message,
"Change your course ten degrees to the north."
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
Monday, October 28, 2002
arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles
and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with
vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was
wondering what else could go wrong when the door flew open and a soldier
rushed in and announced, "Hey, captain, the northern lights are out!
Sunday, October 27, 2002
ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Saturday, October 26, 2002
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
Friday, October 25, 2002
is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got
married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers.
It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital
and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning, then
field calls about his patients in the evening.
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the
pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of water was completely
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all
callers only that he was away from his desk.
Monday, October 21, 2002
One day this
guy was walking through the woods and he finds a genie lamp.
The guy said "I wish I had hair like John Travolta". He got hair like John Travolta.
The next wish was "I wish I had a red convertible." He got a red convertible.
The next day, the guy was driving through the woods singing "I wish I were and Oscar Meyer wiener...
Sunday, October 20, 2002
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had five dollars," said the teacher, "and I asked you for the loan of three dollars, how much would you have left?"
said Little Johnny firmly.
"Well," replied Little Johnny "You may ask for a loan of three dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it."
Saturday, October 19, 2002
O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning
service as he always does, when Mary Clancy came up to him in tears.
Friday, October 18, 2002
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
Thursday, October 17, 2002
director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He
talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
A guy in a
bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
taking a tour of a winery in New Jersey, our group waited patiently to get
to the wine-tasting counter. That was not easy, since a man ahead of
us was hogging all the samples as well as the attention of the salesperson.
Monday, October 14, 2002
the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
Sunday, October 13, 2002
little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the
lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
Saturday, October 12, 2002
When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"
Friday, October 11, 2002
A guy jumps
out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling he
realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes
really, but as the earth rapidly approaches he realizes his options are
limited, he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way
down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock.
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "NO, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
Thursday, October 10, 2002
while she was preparing dinner, her young daughter came into the kitchen
asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she
asked, "what's a quarter horse?"
Wednesday, October 9, 2002
-It is always
possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
When my son
Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that
his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I
returned home at 5 p.m. One day about 4:30 I decided to check up on him.
Monday, October 7, 2002
A woman pulls
over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the
After a few seconds she takes the dipstick in her hand
and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.
Sunday, October 6, 2002
At a local
coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the
Saturday, October 5, 2002
surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.
As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly
answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the
Friday, October 4, 2002
LONDON (Reuters) - After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Thursday, October 3, 2002
Two guys were
at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
Wednesday, October 2, 2002
A lady took her
friend to get her car from the mechanic. When her friend came out she asked her,
"Is everything okay with your car now?"
Tuesday, October 1, 2002
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty handed?"