October 2003

How to Kill Time	New Thermos	Scruffy
Tiny Voice	Bell Ringer	Little Becky
Christmas Ham	Playing It Safe	Sad News
Not Very Well	If College Students Had Written the Bible	Two Brothers
Gone Fishing	Hair Curlers	Wind Currents
Vegetable Soup	Final Exam	Declined Invitation
Extreme Backseat Driver	Birthday Surprises	How Long
Hero	The Golfer	Only If...
Sidewalk Talk	I.Q.	Second Chance
True Psychic	The Usual	The Vet
	Delivery

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well" said the vet "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at it's eyes.

"Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No because he's heavy" says the vet.

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.

"It cost the same as always." said the wife. "I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

A psychic and his client go to a football game. Just before the game was about to start the mind reader said, "I can tell you the score of the game before it starts."

The astonished the client said, "Really! what?"

The psychic replied "Nothing to nothing."

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Marlins?"

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog dirt, 20 feet back."

One day there were two guys playing golf on a Sunday, like they have every week possible for the past 3 years. Right when the first man was about to swing his club, a woman in a wedding dress came running down the fairway yelling, "You bum! You lousy bum! You promised!"

The man said "Honey, I said only if it rains today."

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.

Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball!"

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

A couple of red-necks drove their pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One saunters into the office and said, "Howdy. We need us some of them four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The red-neck says, "Ya may be right. Hold on. I'll go check," and headed out went back to the truck. A minute or so later he ambles back in and says, "Yep. That's it, I meant two-by-fours."

"Fine... How long do you need them?"

The red-neck paused for a minute, scratched his beard, then said, " Well now I'd better go check."

After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. Ya see, we're gonna build us a house."

Mom is very hard to please, but one year I finally came up with a truly inspired birthday present: a gorgeous parrot that spoke six languages. I paid a bundle for it and arranged to have the bird delivered to her house on her birthday.

That evening I stopped by for the birthday dinner. "So ma, did you get my present?" I asked casually.

"Yes, FrankieG, I did. And I must say it cooked up very nicely."

"You didn't cook it!" gasped FrankieG. "Ma, that bird cost me fifteen hundred dollars. And it spoke English, Portuguese, Mandarin, Urdu, Arabic and Russian!"

"Really?" FrankieG's mom exclaimed, "if it spoke all those languages, why it didn't say something?"

My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided I'd had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car.

Later that day, on my way home from doing some shopping at the mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a freeway. It was my wife calling.

By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain."

Harriet was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.

"Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?"

"Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"

A man was sitting in a bar which happened to be located on the top of a skyscraper. A big fella walked in and said, 'bartender, give me a Jack Daniels.' Then he downed the Jack and jumped out the window. The man sitting at the bar was stunned, as the big guy floated back in and sat down. The man at the bar was amazed and said, 'mister, how in the world did you do that?'

The man said, 'Its simple, there are a lot of wind currents up here and they sweep you right back in after you jump.'

So the man ran and jumped out the window and fell to his death making a terrible racket. The bartender looked at the man and said, 'Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!'

My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."

The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off ?"

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never take her along with me again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be about a hundred years old."

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough: plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning...cold.

The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

A really huge, mean looking guy goes up to a department store counter and asks, "W-w-where's the m-m-men's dep-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

"Wh-wh-what kind of lousy s-service is this?" the big guy de-mands, and finally storms off.

The next customer in line walks up to the counter and asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "Do you th-th-think I w-w-want to get my b-b-b-butt kicked?!"

A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Christmas, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know--it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."

She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."

They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

One upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple with a bell that wouldn't ring. People came from miles around to try it. One day a small fellow came up to the priest and said 'I can do it'.

The little fellow went to the steeple, took three steps back and ran into the bell with his face. BONG!! The bell rang and he was hired. One windy day as he took his three steps back to ring the bell, the wind moved the bell. The little fellow missed the bell and fell out of the steeple. He landed in the middle of the plaza where people gathered to see what happened. The priest came through the crowd and asked, 'Does anyone know this fellow's name?'

Just then one person replies, 'I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!

A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, 'Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?'

The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, 'What do you want?'

About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, 'What did you do that for?'

An elderly women wakes up one morning and finds her 16 year old dog laying on the floor. 'Oh no,' she says 'there must be something wrong with Scruffy!' She scoops the dog up and rushes him to the vet. Doctor doctor, please help, she says as she puts him on the table.

After a short examination the doctor says, 'I'm sorry madam but I believe your dog has died.'

'Well there is one thing,' said the vet as he pulled a sack from the closet near by. The vet opened the sack and placed a scrawny old cat on the table next to the dog. The cat looked at the dog and hissed. It then proceeded to walk around the dog cautiously, smelling and hissing. The vet put the cat back in the bag and said, 'there is nothing more I can do.'

The old women said, 'I guess you're right doctor, Scruffy hates cats and if he wasn't dead he would surely have barked.'

The vet said that he would take care of the arrangements and the old women went home. Three weeks later the old women received a bill from the vet for $338.00. The old women thought there must be a mistake, so she called the vet for an explanation. When the vet answered the phone he pulled out the bill and told the women that he had charged her $38.00 for taking care of Scruffy's arrangements.

The old women said, 'that seems fair but I don't understand what the $300.00 is for.

A man walks into a store and sees a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, 'May I help you with anything?'

The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. his co-workers ask him 'What's that!'

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said," So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."