Friday, October 31, 2003
surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping
transport many of the items.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
A man took his Rottweiler to the
vet and said to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had
bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
and his client go to a football game. Just before the game was about to
start the mind reader said, "I can tell you the score of the game before
Monday, October 27, 2003
work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking
space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office
determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my
anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks,
"What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Two men are approaching each other
on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet,
one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam,
Friday, October 24, 2003
there were two guys playing golf on a Sunday, like they have every week
possible for the past 3 years. Right when the first man was about to swing
his club, a woman in a wedding dress came running down the fairway
yelling, "You bum! You lousy bum! You promised!"
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Once there was
a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
After hearing that one of the
patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and
called him into his office.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
of red-necks drove their pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One
saunters into the office and said, "Howdy. We need us some of them
Monday, October 20, 2003
very hard to please, but one year I finally came up with a truly inspired
birthday present: a gorgeous parrot that spoke six languages. I paid a
bundle for it and arranged to have the bird delivered to her house on her
Sunday, October 19, 2003
and I get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second
to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided
I'd had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in
Saturday, October 18, 2003
was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at
Friday, October 17, 2003
the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at
his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on
throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to
interrogate the student's test-taking habit.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of
spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
A man was sitting in a bar which happened to be located on the top of a skyscraper. A big fella walked in and said, 'bartender, give me a Jack Daniels.' Then he downed the Jack and jumped out the window. The man sitting at the bar was stunned, as the big guy floated back in and sat down. The man at the bar was amazed and said, 'mister, how in the world did you do that?'
The man said, 'Its simple, there are a lot of wind currents up here and they sweep you right back in after you jump.'
The man at the bar said, 'Well, can I try?'
So the man ran and jumped out the window and fell to his death making a terrible racket. The bartender looked at the man and said, 'Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!'
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the
Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because
she said, "I just set my hair."
Monday, October 13, 2003
A boy was
taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He
decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar
Saturday, October 11, 2003
American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how
society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take
the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed
108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in
today's version of the contest?"
Friday, October 10, 2003
with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please
join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
Thursday, October 9, 2003
Supper would have been eaten the next morning...cold.
Wednesday, October 8, 2003
huge, mean looking guy goes up to a department store counter and asks,
"W-w-where's the m-m-men's dep-p-partment?"
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate
their first Christmas, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in
the pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't
know--it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."
Monday, October 6, 2003
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She
told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because
he was performing an appendectomy.
Sunday, October 5, 2003
One upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple with a bell that wouldn't ring. People came from miles around to try it. One day a small fellow came up to the priest and said 'I can do it'.
The priest said 'Ok, try it.'
The little fellow went to the steeple, took three steps back and ran into the bell with his face. BONG!! The bell rang and he was hired. One windy day as he took his three steps back to ring the bell, the wind moved the bell. The little fellow missed the bell and fell out of the steeple. He landed in the middle of the plaza where people gathered to see what happened. The priest came through the crowd and asked, 'Does anyone know this fellow's name?'
Just then one person replies, 'I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!
Saturday, October 4, 2003
A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, 'Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?'
The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, 'What do you want?'
The snail said, 'Could you lend me 10 bucks?'
The man yelled, 'Get out of here!' and then kicked him off the porch.
About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, 'What did you do that for?'
Friday, October 3, 2003
An elderly women wakes up one morning and finds her 16 year old dog laying on the floor. 'Oh no,' she says 'there must be something wrong with Scruffy!' She scoops the dog up and rushes him to the vet. Doctor doctor, please help, she says as she puts him on the table.
After a short examination the doctor says, 'I'm sorry madam but I believe your dog has died.'
'Oh but there must be something you can do,' said the woman.
'Well there is one thing,' said the vet as he pulled a sack from the closet near by. The vet opened the sack and placed a scrawny old cat on the table next to the dog. The cat looked at the dog and hissed. It then proceeded to walk around the dog cautiously, smelling and hissing. The vet put the cat back in the bag and said, 'there is nothing more I can do.'
The old women said, 'I guess you're right doctor, Scruffy hates cats and if he wasn't dead he would surely have barked.'
The vet said that he would take care of the arrangements and the old women went home. Three weeks later the old women received a bill from the vet for $338.00. The old women thought there must be a mistake, so she called the vet for an explanation. When the vet answered the phone he pulled out the bill and told the women that he had charged her $38.00 for taking care of Scruffy's arrangements.
The old women said, 'that seems fair but I don't understand what the $300.00 is for.
'Oh,' said the vet, 'that was for the cat scan!'
Thursday, October 2, 2003
A man walks into a store and sees a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, 'May I help you with anything?'
'Yea! What is that?'
'Why that's a thermos!'
'What's it do?'
'It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!'
'I'll take it'
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. his co-workers ask him 'What's that!'
'It's a thermos'
'What's it do?' 'It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!'
'So whatcha got in it?'
'Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.'
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
Three convicts were on the way to
prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said," So,
what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated
that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma
Moses of Jail."
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."