Welcome
chuckle

October, 2004

Sunday,  October 31, 2004

Halloween Quickies

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's
corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

Saturday,  October 30, 2004

"Shame on you"
Rated PG-13

My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say only, "Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just say, "Shame on you" to that person.

A few weeks later we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you." Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign."

Friday,  October 29, 2004

Psychics Only Please

And now, a joke for the psychics in the group...
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(calm down, it wasn't that funny!)

Thursday,  October 28, 2004

Working with Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Wednesday,  October 27, 2004

Key to a Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

Tuesday,  October 26, 2004

Military Time

My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me.  The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.

 With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"

Monday,  October 25, 2004

One Thing

When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.

"No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only interested  in one thing."

Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be.

"Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.

Sunday,  October 24, 2004

Quickest Way

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"

 The local scratched his head.

 "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

 "I'm driving."

 "That's the quickest way!"

Saturday,  October 23, 2004

DIESEL FITTER

Sven and Ole had worked together for years, but one day, both men were laid off.  So off they went to the unemployment office.  Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher.  I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."  The clerk looked up panty stitcher in his book.  Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she authorized him a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation.  "Diesel fitter" he replied.  Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk authorized Sven two weeks of unemployment pay.

When Ole found out, he was furious.  He stormed back in to find out why his co-worker was collecting double his pay.  The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole.  "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."

Friday,  October 22, 2004

Too Old

Max Gittelman celebrated his eightieth birthday party with his wife, Reba, and a few old cronies.  When the guests left, Max sank down on the davenport, his expression weary.

"Max, are you all right?" Reba asked anxiously. "I told you a man your age is too old for a party.  Maybe now you'll listen!"

"My dear Reba," replied Max patiently, "a man is not too old until it takes him longer to rest up than it did to get tired!"

Thursday,  October 21, 2004

Bird Lover
A Classic

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

They paused then started to laugh.

Wednesday,  October 20, 2004

Feelings

Lizzi goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Lizzi walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

Tuesday,  October 19, 2004

Quick Thinking

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

Monday,  October 18, 2004

Some Medicine

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing.  My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey.  How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes.  She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her.  Just tell her I called.  What are you doing, by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet." 

Sunday,  October 17, 2004

Fatherly Firmness

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea.  And the same goes for body piercing.  As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."

I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.

Then came the 'coup de grace':  "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"

Saturday,  October 16, 2004

Signing

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, 'silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

Friday,  October 15, 2004

Harvey and Gladys

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Wednesday,  October 13, 2004

The Litter

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. 

"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.

I'll take care of all the child's expenses." 

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." 

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

Wednesday,  October 13, 2004

Hit n' Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car and up floated a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."

Tuesday,  October 12, 2004

Homely

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Monday,  October 11, 2004

Television

A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of  television.

"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.

"We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."

Sunday,  October 10, 2004

Bibbidi
A Classic

When my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop for three days.  Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.

Our neighbors were having their roof re-shingled by three burly men.  As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put it together and what do you get?"

"From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices:

"Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"

Saturday,  October 9, 2004

What Do You Say?

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.  She also had her seven-year- old son with her.  Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

Friday,  October 8, 2004

Senior Romance

A couple was married for umpteen years and normally each went to sleep early, but this evening the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk and....................

The husband wanted to sleep, but she said  "you used to hold my hand  when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and then tried  to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and  settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "then you used to bite my neck"

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Thursday,  October 7, 2004

Beware of Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Wednesday,  October 6, 2004

Bird Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and  his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped  into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Tuesday,  October 5, 2004

Read this really fast

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses  and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

Monday,  October 4, 2004

Bottles

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked: "What do you want, Sonny?"

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked.

"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady.

"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply.  "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

Sunday,  October 3, 2004

150 Years Old

A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media.

"Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150?

"It's actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue."

"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!

The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.

"Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right."

Saturday,  October 2, 2004

Signs

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. I didn't realize that somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.

Friday,  October 1, 2004

Buckets

This wife has been married for seven years and has six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her priest, the priest tells her to go and by a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks him and goes off to do as he says.

Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough she is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed his instructions, she said yes but that she could not find a ten gallon bucket so she bought two five gallon buckets.