Sunday, October 31, 2004
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
Saturday, October 30, 2004
My 7-year-old daughter
came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked me
what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say only, "Shame on you,"
followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just say, "Shame on you" to that
Friday, October 29, 2004
And now, a joke for the
psychics in the group...
Thursday, October 28, 2004
An out-of-towner drove his car
into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his
big strong horse named Buddy.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
A woman walked up to a little
old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
My wife Delores
never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the
orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at
the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am,"
the soldier advised.
Monday, October 25, 2004
When my sister teased her
four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten
class, the little girl was quite indignant.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Sven and Ole had worked together for years, but one day, both men were laid off. So off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher in his book. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she authorized him a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk authorized Sven two weeks of unemployment pay.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
Friday, October 22, 2004
Max Gittelman celebrated
his eightieth birthday party with his wife, Reba, and a few old cronies.
When the guests left, Max sank down on the davenport, his expression
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Each evening bird lover
Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl
called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted
back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he
thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies
communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Lizzi goes to her first
show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge
canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.
The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint
streaked across it.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
A young couple drove
several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their
Monday, October 18, 2004
My sister had been ill,
so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the
Sunday, October 17, 2004
I couldn't help
overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want,"
he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the
same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I
think you should respect my wishes."
Saturday, October 16, 2004
On a visit to the library
I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense
gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in front of her full-length
mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
A doctor was having an affair with
his Italian-born nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not
wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go
to Italy and have the baby there.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
A man was driving down a quiet
country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster
disappeared under the car and up floated a cloud of feathers.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked
into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't
have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can
you help me accept my ugliness?"
Monday, October 11, 2004
A pastor was
preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
When my children received the
video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop for three
days. Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.
"Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"
Saturday, October 9, 2004
While on maternity leave, a
woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her
seven-year- old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little
boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
Friday, October 8, 2004
A couple was married for umpteen years and normally each went to sleep early, but this evening the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk and....................
The husband wanted to sleep, but she said "you used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "then you used to bite my neck"
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Thursday, October 7, 2004
entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying:
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a
harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
Wednesday, October 6, 2004
An avid duck
hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a
dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find,
he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt
Monday, October 4, 2004
Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One
ambitious young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the
door and asked: "What do you want, Sonny?"
Sunday, October 3, 2004
who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the
Saturday, October 2, 2004
A man was
driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and
knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.
Friday, October 1, 2004
has been married for seven years and has six kids and is tired of being
pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her priest, the priest tells her to go
and by a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks
him and goes off to do as he says.