October 31, 2005
When my printer's type
began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man
informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because
the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better
off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
October 30, 2005
A woman walks
into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.
She looks around
and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to
feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns
back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may
we help you today?"
uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
"Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when
you hear what the price is.
October 29, 2005
A man staggers into an
emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around
his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was
like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife
when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it
and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted
up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right
in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks
"Well, I lifted the tail
and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
October 28, 2005
Grandma and Grandpa were
sitting in their porch rockers while watching the beautiful sunset and
reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,
"Honey, do you remember when we first started dating? You used to just
casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled
and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember when we were
first married? You'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up
from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey,
where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
October 27, 2005
Does He Bite?
There was a hound dog
laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked. The old man
So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and
growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him
away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought
you said your dog didn't bit!"
The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."
October 26, 2005
A man with no
arms walks into a bank with a stocking over his head and a Coca-Cola tote bag
hanging around his neck. He goes up to the first teller and says, "This is a
stickup. Put all your money in this bag."
The teller gets a frightened look of panic on her face as she leans over the
counter and begins stuffing money into the bag.
The man says to her, "Don't worry, Miss, I'm unarmed."
October 25, 2005
Pete and Larry had not
seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in
the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited
Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and
I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment.
Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to
the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When
you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the
door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door
open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
October 24, 2005
A member of the Senate,
known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session
and begins to shout,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his
statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long
pause, the angry member accepted.
"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up
of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
October 23, 2005
A businessman had a
tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was
concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the
front desk and went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he
had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk
on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me what room I am
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
October 22, 2005
Baseball in Heaven
Two old guys, Abe and
Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about
baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think
there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a
minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come
back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do
They shake on it and sadly,
a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting
there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol...
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers
Sol, still amazed, asks,
"So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got
good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first,"
Abe says, "Well... there is
baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great!
What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers,
"You're pitching on Friday."
October 21, 2005
One day my
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after
he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied.
"What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back,
"University of Oklahoma."
October 20, 2005
A man went to the Police
Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house
the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
October 19, 2005
The other day it was my
turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market
and buy some organic vegetables.
She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I
don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your
organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the
organic vegetables were.
He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are
for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'
"And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"
October 18, 2005
Updated Employee Handbook
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag,
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
If you dress poorly, you
need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise
If you dress in-between,
you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
October 17, 2005
On the way back to New
York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the
flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give
up their seats.
In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a
first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people
ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the
lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than
the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
October 16, 2005
Check Out Line
A woman was waiting in
the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop
and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it
was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home
before New Years!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out
there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
October 15, 2005
There was a crowd of bees
flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by
gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the
crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it
would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a
car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station.
As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on.
Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed
When he rejoined the crowd, his friend said to him:
"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low.
You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you
ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I
really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station.
That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell
you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...
There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
October 14, 2005
Even More Signs
On a desk in a reception
"We shoot every 3rd salesman,
and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room,
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company,
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop,
On the side of a garbage truck,
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
In a restaurant window,
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley,
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria,
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."
October 11, 2005
In the front yard of a
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck,
"Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop,
"Best place in town to take a leak."
On a maternity room door,
"Push, Push, Push."
On a front door,
"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office,
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window,
"We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window,
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence,
Dog food is expensive."
In a dry cleaner's emporium,
"Drop your pants here."
October 10, 2005
Lighting a Candle
Mrs. O'Donovan was
walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite
direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs.
O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied, "That you did, Father."
The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the
Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"
October 9, 2005
Adam the Bargainer
God looks down and
notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so
he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and
says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going
to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground
you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly
intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every
command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"
October 8, 2005
Enemies To The West!
A knight and his men
return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your
behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
October 7, 2005
What Would You Like?
As a little girl climbed
onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like
for Christmas ?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then
gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
October 6, 2005
In a restaurant window,
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley,
"Please be quiet.
We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."
October 5, 2005
Diagnosed with A. A. A. D.
Recently, I was diagnosed
with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is
how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
.... As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide my car needs washing.
..... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the
porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
.... I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
.... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
.... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
.... But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
.... I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1
.... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
.... I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is
getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it
.... As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered.
.... I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
.... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.
.... I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
.... I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
.... I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
.... So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up the spill .... Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.
.... At the end of the day:
* the car isn't washed
* the bills aren't paid
* there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
* the flowers don't have enough water,
* there is still only 1 check in my check book,
* I can't find the remote,
* I can't find my glasses,
* and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
.... Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
.... I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help
for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.
GROWING OLDER IS
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
October 4, 2005
One Good Excuse
A middle-aged guy had just
been dumped by his wife. So he decides to go out and buy a shiny, new red BMW
Z-3 convertible. He's driving along at 80 mph, when he sees a flashing light on
a police car in the rear view mirror.
"What the hell, he can't
keep up with a BMW," he thinks to himself. So he floors it.
A few minutes later, he's
overcome with guilt. "Hey! What am I doing," he thinks? And he slows down and
The cop asks him for his
license, and walks around the car while he examines both. When the cop gets back
to the driver's door, he says, "It's Friday the thirteenth. My shift is just
about over. I'm tired and I want to go home. If you can give me a good excuse,
I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a split
second and says...
"My wife just ran away with
a policeman. I thought you were trying to give her back."
October 3, 2005
A little boy, excited
about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I
got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!"
"What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly.
"I'm one of the three wise guys!"
October 2, 2005
One of the joys of living
in a small town was revealed to me while I vacationed in a northern
At the post office, I
noticed a poster with a photograph of a woman smiling. Just below the
picture was this message:
"Have you seen this person? If so, give her a hug. Today is her
October 1, 2005
A small, uncertain, and
nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered,
"Have you ever been married ?"
"Yes, sir, once" said the
witness in a low voice.
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer said angrily,
"Of course you married a woman ! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a
The witness replied
meekly, "My sister did."