Welcome
chuckle

October, 2005

Monday,  October 31, 2005

Repairs

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Sunday,  October 30, 2005

Persian Rugs

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.

She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is.

Saturday,  October 29, 2005

Emergency Room

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Friday,  October 28, 2005

Reminiscing

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers while watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating?  You used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged  hand in his.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember when we were first married?  You'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Thursday,  October 27, 2005

Does He Bite?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked.  The old man replied, "Nope."

So the tourist stepped out of his car.  The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bit!"

The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

Tuesday,  October 25, 2005

A Visit ?

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter!  When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right,  then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Monday,  October 24, 2005

Hot Temper

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout,

"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Sunday,  October 23, 2005

What Room?

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me what room I am in?"

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."

Saturday,  October 22, 2005

Baseball in Heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Friday,  October 21, 2005

Laundry

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied.  "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

Thursday,  October 20, 2005

Break In

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Wednesday,  October 19, 2005

Organic Vegetables

The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.

She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were.

He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'

"And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"

Tuesday,  October 18, 2005

Updated Employee Handbook

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary

If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

Monday,  October 17, 2005

Volunteers

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.

In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."

Sunday,  October 16, 2005

Check Out Line

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.  Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.  By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before New Years!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk.  "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

Saturday,  October 15, 2005

Pun Alert

There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.

One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.

When he rejoined the crowd, his friend said to him:
"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"

He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...

There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"

Friday,  October 14, 2005

Even More Signs

On a desk in a reception room,
"We shoot every 3rd salesman,
and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room,
"Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company,
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. 
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop,
"Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck,
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

In a restaurant window,
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley,
"Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria,
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

Tuesday,  October 11, 2005

More Signs

In the front yard of a funeral home,
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck,
"Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop,
"Best place in town to take a leak."

On a maternity room door,
"Push, Push, Push."

On a front door,
"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office,
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window,
"We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window,
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence,
"Salesmen welcome.
Dog food is expensive."

In a dry cleaner's emporium,
"Drop your pants here."

Monday,  October 10, 2005

Lighting a Candle

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"

She replied, "That you did, Father."

The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet Father," said she.

"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"

Sunday,  October 9, 2005

Adam the Bargainer

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg."

Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

Saturday,  October 8, 2005

Enemies To The West!

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of  your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

 "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Friday,  October 7, 2005

What Would You Like?

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Thursday,  October 6, 2005

Actual Signs

In a restaurant window,
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley,
"Please be quiet.
We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

Wednesday,  October 5, 2005

Diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

.... As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

..... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

.... I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

.... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

.... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

.... But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

.... I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

.... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

.... I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

.... As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered.

.... I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

.... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

.... I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

.... I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

.... I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

.... So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill .... Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

.... At the end of the day:

* the car isn't washed

* the bills aren't paid

* there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

* the flowers don't have enough water,

* there is still only 1 check in my check book,

* I can't find the remote,

* I can't find my glasses,

* and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

.... Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

.... I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

Tuesday,  October 4, 2005

One Good Excuse
A Classic

A middle-aged guy had just been dumped by his wife. So he decides to go out and buy a shiny, new red BMW Z-3 convertible. He's driving along at 80 mph, when he sees a flashing light on a police car in the rear view mirror.

"What the hell, he can't keep up with a BMW," he thinks to himself. So he floors it.

A few minutes later, he's overcome with guilt. "Hey! What am I doing," he thinks? And he slows down and pulls over.

The cop asks him for his license, and walks around the car while he examines both. When the cop gets back to the driver's door, he says, "It's Friday the thirteenth. My shift is just about over. I'm tired and I want to go home. If you can give me a good excuse, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a split second and says...

 "My wife just ran away with a policeman. I thought you were trying to give her back."

Monday,  October 3, 2005

Christmas Play

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!"

"What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly.

"I'm one of the three wise guys!"

Sunday,  October 2, 2005

Small Towns

One of the joys of living in a small town was revealed to me  while I vacationed in a northern Michigan village. 

At the post office, I noticed a poster with a photograph of a woman smiling.  Just below the picture was this message: 
                      "Have you seen this person?  If so, give her a hug. Today is her birthday." 

Saturday,  October 1, 2005

Of Course...

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.

The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married ?"

"Yes, sir, once" said the witness in a low voice.

"Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman ! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man ?"

The witness replied meekly, "My sister did."