Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Two farmers were comparing notes on the poor harvest.
"Jeb, I'm telling you the wheat was so poor I had to harvest it with scissors."
"That's nothing, Grady. I had to lather my field and shave it."
Monday, October 30, 2006
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno...," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
Sunday, October 29, 2006
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
Friday, October 27, 2006
As an obstetrician, I
sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient
had some type of fish tattooed on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Monday, October 23, 2006
A group of women were talking together. One woman said, "Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday."
Another said, "That's nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven."
A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush."
Sunday, October 22, 2006
When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his old friend, Harry, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar. "What happened to you, Harry?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be rich."
Harry told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall.
"Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on the page, and there will be God's answer."
Some time later, the preacher bumped into Harry, who was wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes. "Harry," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned around for you."
"Yes, preacher, and I owe
it all to you," said Harry. "I opened my Bible, put my finger down on the page
and there was the answer
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a day's training. One says to the other, "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."
There was a dog running along side
them who overheard and said, "I know what your problem is. I've seen you race
and it looks to me like you begin the race really fast and use up all your
energy too soon. Then towards the end, you have nothing left. What you should do
is pace yourselves, and when all the other horses are exhausted, put in a spurt
The horses looked at one another and said, "WOW, a talking dog!"
Friday, October 20, 2006
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's Place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no
answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time
putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
Thursday, October 19, 2006
80 year old Sam Goldberg was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
George W Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing
pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids
whatever they wanted.
Monday, October 16, 2006
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it." he responded.
"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't know even what it means."
"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
Sunday, October 15, 2006
An 80 year
old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to
their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"
Friday, October 13, 2006
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked.
"Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Thursday, October 5, 2006
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
This grasshopper walks
into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The
grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
Monday, October 2, 2006
"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.
"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."
"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."
Sunday, October 1, 2006
A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.
"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."
"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."
"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."