Wednesday, October 31, 2007
A lady about eight
months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling
at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as he hesitated.
"I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks of ten years older because of your intelligence."
Monday, October 29, 2007
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Sunday, October 28, 2007
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client."
"Great!" said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
The broker said, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."
Saturday, October 27, 2007
A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Friday, October 26, 2007
During the Leonid meteor showers, our family got up to watch the show. After a minute or so, and about 15 shooting stars, I turned to my eight-year-old son and said, "This is really neat, isn't it?"
Awestruck, he replied, "Yeah, Dad. I already ran out of things to wish for!"
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii, sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team, after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh.. what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one.
I always do the driving."
Monday, October 22, 2007
A pregnant woman is in a
car accident and falls into deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she
wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks
the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins! A
boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, " Wow,
that's not a bad name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
The doctor replies, " Denephew."
Sunday, October 21, 2007
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades...
somebody is going to get a spanking."
Friday, October 19, 2007
Last summer, my husband, Steve, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Steve pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.
"That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."
Thursday, October 18, 2007
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, a guy inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food.
"What kind of bear is that?" I asked.
"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.
"Oh, yeah?" my wife shot back. "And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroid's."
Monday, October 15, 2007
More than anything, a young man from the city wanted to be a cowboy. Eventually he found a rancher who took pity on him and gave the lad a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said the man, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
Sunday, October 14, 2007
In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash" and to the racks where we slept as "my racks."
One time when when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us. To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?"
Saturday, October 13, 2007
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.
"Nope," the farmer replied.
"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."
Friday, October 12, 2007
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
Someone called 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said.
"My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
Thursday, October 11, 2007
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
2000 BC: Here, eat this root
1000 AD: That root is heathen. Say this prayer.
1850 AD: That prayer is pure superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD: That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door flew open and a soldier rushed in and announced, "Hey, captain, the northern lights are out!
Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, don't tell me! Go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"
Monday, October 8, 2007
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
Saturday, October 6, 2007
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho", and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of buffalos."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch' but 'herd'."
"Herd of buffalos."
"Sure, I've heard of buffalos. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Friday, October 5, 2007
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Thursday, October 4, 2007
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said.
"Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Little Johnny said, "Hey, mom, can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," his mom said.
Little Johnny said, "If you do, I'll tell you what dad
said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up. She grabbed her purse,
handed him a twenty and said, "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow'."
Monday, October 1, 2007
Two judges were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other.
One took the stand and the other said, "How do you plead?"
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."
The two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked the judge.
The judge reflected for a moment, and said, "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late. In fact, this is the second such incident in the last fifteen minutes.
That will be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."