Friday,  October 31, 2008

Jack was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, driving without lights and violation of traffic signals. He demanded a trial by jury.

"But you can't win that case in court," a friend advised him.

"I know," said Jack.  "I did it on purpose.  My nephew just graduated from law school and this is his first case.  I want him to lose so maybe he'll get discouraged and get an honest job...."

Thursday,  October 30, 2008

Henry Ford

The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the

question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"

One of the students wrote: "0% financing."

Wednesday,  October 29, 2008

Fool

A minister was opening his mail one morning.  Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:  "FOOL".

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

 "But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

Tuesday,  October 28, 2008

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I  get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" all the children answered. 

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!"

Monday,  October 27, 2008

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup.  The nurse starts with certain basic items.  "How much do you weigh?"  she asks.

 "One-seventy."

 The nurse puts him on the scale.  It turns out that his weight is 183.

 The nurse asks, "Your height?"

 "Five-eleven."

 The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5' 8 1/2". She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high. 

 The man explains, "Of course it's high.  When I came in here, I was tall and wiry.  Now, I'm short and dumpy."

Sam

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

Tom Cruise, Steven Seagal, and Alec Baldwin were in a jungle filming a movie. Sadly, they were taken prisoner by the local tribe. As they were about to be executed, they begged the queen of the tribe for mercy.

She considered their plea and said, "Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed." The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food.

Tom Cruise was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his bum. They did and he cried out in pain.

Seagal was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his bum.

Tom Cruise was shocked. Here he was howling in pain, but Seagal was still laughing. Tom asked him, "What the hell is so funny?"

Seagal, still laughing, replied, "Alec is coming back with four pineapples."

California  vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new  hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. 

It is expected  to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the  bathroom during the night. 

The new  wine will be marketed as PINO  MORE 

Thursday,  October 23, 2008

I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. 

Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. 

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Wednesday,  October 22, 2008

Devotion and Concern

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.

"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

Tuesday,  October 21, 2008

Water Hazard

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole he proceeds to splash five balls in a row into the water.

Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.

When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

One of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"

He responds, "I left my car keys in the bag."

Monday,  October 20, 2008

Funeral Service

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

Sunday,  October 19, 2008

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.  The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding?!? What happened next?'"

Saturday,  October 18, 2008

Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. *
 
 *'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'*
 
 *'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'*
 
 *'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Friday,  October 17, 2008

Fire!

Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?

 The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break".

Thursday,  October 16, 2008

Church Squirrels

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church ,
the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will . . .

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles out side of town.   Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution so far. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Wednesday,  October 15, 2008

Right Number

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

 "Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

Comfortable

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."

Not sure what she considers comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."

Sorry

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

Sunday,  October 12, 2008

Little Johnny

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.  Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said.  "I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Saturday,  October 11, 2008

Soon after marriage, Terri's  husband, Colby stopped wearing his wedding ring.  Terri asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

Colby replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

Terri answered back, "It's supposed to!"

Friday,  October 10, 2008

Candidates

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Wednesday,  October 8, 2008

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.  She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied.  "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response.  "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

Tuesday,  October 7, 2008

George W.  Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.  The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

 George W.  approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

 The man ignored George W.  and stared at the ceiling.

 George W.  positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".

 The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

 George W.  tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".

 The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

 George W.  asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".

Monday,  October 6, 2008

Encyclopedia

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?!?"

Saturday,  October 4, 2008

Expecting

How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet ."

Friday,  October 3, 2008

Morris Green

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Morris. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.  As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear"   "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

Wednesday,  October 1, 2008

Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road.

The workers explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.

They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward them from town a couple of hours later.

"Oh," she said distractedly as she pulled up next to the trench crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"