October 31, 2009
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer, two weeks in the Hampton's, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
October 30, 2009
A window salesman phoned a customer.
"Hello, Mr. Brown," said the sales rep. "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
The customer replied: "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in twelve months!"
October 29, 2009
notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'
October 28, 2009
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
October 27, 2009
Pastor Abdul was teaching his Sunday school class. He asked the class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" The Pastor continued.
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Pastor Abdul again asked.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well", He continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
Five-year-old Little Johnny shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
October 26, 2009
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . . "
"and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
October 25, 2009
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn," she said.
October 24, 2009
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
October 23, 2009
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
October 22, 2009
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".
"Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic.
"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"
October 21, 2009
We were nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal.
When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"
October 20, 2009
o Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate.
o You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream.
o Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there.
o You bought Amazon.com 2 years ago -- and held it.
o Steven Speilberg calls your boss looking for you.
o You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank.
o Your child calls from college just to say hi.
o The IRS loses your name.
October 19, 2009
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him. As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector.
Before doing so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight. Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
October 18, 2009
While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.
"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."
Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."
October 17, 2009
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
October 16, 2009
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phoney $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines, or 3 sixes?"
October 15, 2009
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
"He's a magician," said the new boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."
October 14, 2009
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
October 13, 2009
A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
October 12, 2009
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
October 11, 2009
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny, "How come you aren't married?"
Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
George: "So what are you looking for?"
Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house- keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must -and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."
Johnny: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."
October 10, 2009
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. " I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking! Look at the test they're making you do now!"
October 9, 2009
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
October 8, 2009
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
October 7, 2009
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
October 6, 2009
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, ‘0h isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease'.
'And do you know', she continued, 'I haven't had the flu all winter'.
October 5, 2009
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
October 4, 2009
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
October 3, 2009
The man was seated in the cafeteria when a woman and her two children sat down nearby and began to eat. Suddenly the man belched.
"Sir," said the woman haughtily, "Are you in the habit of doing that before YOUR children?"
"Well, I'll tell you, ma'am," he replied. "There are no rules in my house. Sometimes I go first, sometimes they go first."
October 2, 2009
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
October 1, 2009
A doctor had just delivered twins...a boy and a girl.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.
He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he said proudly "You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"