October 31, 2010
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.
"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed, "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
October 30, 2010
A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked, "Is this your floor?"
Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk.
So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk.
Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man! He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
October 29, 2010
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver Vickie, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
October 28, 2010
Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it to a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.
Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"
October 27, 2010
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight homely women and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
October 26, 2010
A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year, turned it into a thriving produce farm.
The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man and God work together."
"Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God was running it alone."
October 25 2010
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm not feeling too good. Can you help me?"
The doctor examines him and says, "I want you to take this red pill in the morning with 2 glasses of water."
"I then want you to take this blue pill at dinnertime with 2 glasses of water."
"At suppertime I want you to take this green pill with two glasses of water and before you go to bed I want you to take this brown pill with two glasses of water."
A few weeks later the man comes back for a follow-up visit.
"Gee Doc,", he says, "I feel great!"
"What was in those pills you gave me?"
"Oh, there was nothing in the pills, you were dehydrated and needed to drink more fluids!".
October 24 2010
One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory.
"Why wooden spoons?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts!"
October 23 2010
A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
October 22 2010
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to.
"I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."
October 21, 2010
Several Nuns were on the second floor of the convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took there habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?
The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break".
October 20, 2010
A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and asked her name.
"I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents, and it's kind of embarrassing."
"Well, what could be so bad about that?" the young man asked.
"My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand." the girl answered.
"Well, those are nice names" the guy replied.
"It would be if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"
October 19, 2010
John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and start decorating the house and tree.
During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind.
His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?"
"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.
She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!"
"No, no, I'm fine."
There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"
October 18, 2010
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
October 17, 2010
The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the porch after dinner he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.
"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there," the minister commented.
"Yes sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the ministry!"
October 16, 2010
There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
October 15, 2010
Teenaged boys already know everything.
When a boy reaches 13 years of age, the Knowledge Fairy comes around and inserts into his brain all the information in the entire universe. From that point on, he no longer needs any parental guidance.
All he needs is parental money."
October 14, 2010
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over t'cow barn."
"Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't...He's the one with the beard and mustache."
October 13, 2010
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
October 12, 2010
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.
The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
October 11, 2010
My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?
Matthew thought about that for a moment and said,
"Okay, Disney World."
October 10, 2010
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
October 9, 2010
Susan's mother was concerned that perhaps her daughter was not only not quite as chaste as she should be, but lately, didn't even seem to be selective.
Trying to open a conversation on the subject of morals she asked, "Susan, do you know where bad girls go?"
"Sure Mom." Susan replied. "Anywhere they want!"
October 8, 2010
A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"
October 7, 2010
My grandfather's funeral was last week. Since our family is Catholic, we asked a priest to officiate. In the middle of the service, a cell phone rang (to the tune of "Happy Birthday"). You should have seen the scowls and heads turning. A few minutes later, it rang for the second time!
At the graveside afterward, we finally discovered who the culprit was. During the solemn flag-folding ceremony, the phone rang a third time. Imagine our astonishment when the PRIEST pulled the offending instrument out of his pocket and stepped away to engage in a long conversation. -- STILL SHOCKED IN SANTA CLARITA, CALIF.
DEAR STILL SHOCKED: I'll bet it was the woman whose father was contacting her via the smoke alarm.
October 6, 2010
At the wake, the woman told her priest that ever since she was a child, she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whoever went first would try to contact the other. They had discussed it again only two weeks before his death.
He died in her home, and a few hours later, the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there for 28 years and it had never gone off before. She didn't know how to stop it and had to call the security company that had installed it.
The next morning, the smoke alarm sounded again -- and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "OK, Dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I've got it now. Thanks for letting me know you're safe on the other side. Now turn the darn thing off so I don't have to call the security company again!" And it went off!
She immediately called her priest to relay the good news. His response: "Dear, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the SMOKE alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
October 5, 2010
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
October 4, 2010
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
October 3, 2010
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
October 2, 2010
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees.
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her"?
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything...but nooooooooo...you had to go and eat a secretary!"
October 1, 2010
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."