October 31, 2011
A little boy runs across this farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop. The farmer tells the little boy, ''I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries.''
The little boy looks up at the farmer and says, ''I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.'''
October 30, 2011
Scott was showing some friends his apartment.
Glenn asked "What's that big brass basin for?"
"That's the talking clock!" Scott answered.
So Glenn gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off, it's 2 a.m., you idiot!"
October 29, 2011
As the airliner was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
October 28, 2011
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
October 27, 2011
Sophie was sent to bed by her mom.
Five minutes later: "Mo---mmm..."
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five more minutes later: "Mo----meeeeee..."
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Maaaa---maaaa..."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
October 26, 2011
There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. Then, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, 10-disk changer, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
October 25, 2011
Larry was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied Larry, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," he answered. As the old woman was leaving, Larry called out, "Good bye mother!"
Stepping up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only bought a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for hers," replied the clerk.
October 24, 2011
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me... why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
October 23, 2011
Bubba was on a road trip. He noticed that the car was low on gas, so he stopped at a gas station. While pumping gas, he realized that he locked the keys in the car. So when he went inside to pay, he asked the attendant for a hanger so that he could try to open the door himself.
Outside he tried to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant came out to see how Bubba was doing.
Outside the car, Bubba was moving the hanger around and around while Darryl, who was inside the car, was saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right..."
October 22, 2011
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there!
So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!"
The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
October 21, 2011
October 20, 2011
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the
other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
October 19, 2011
"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard Air France flight 602 from New York to Paris. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording."
October 18, 2011
Suzanne was on a flight from Detroit to San Diego when the guy next to her asked if she would like to play a fun game. She was tired and just wanted to take a nap, so she politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks. The neighbor persisted and explained that the game was easy and a lot of fun.
He said, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declined and tried to get some sleep.
Agitated, the man said, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This caught Suzanne's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The guy asked the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Suzanne doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to him.
"Okay," says the man, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The neighbor, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... nothing. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he woke up Suzanne and handed her $500.
She thanked him and turned back to get some more sleep.
The guy, more than a little miffed, stirred Suzanne and asked, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, she reached into her purse, handed the guy $5, and went back to sleep.
October 17, 2011
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, work, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm probably a lesbian."
October 16, 2011
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
October 15, 2011
A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says: "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and almost immediately, millions began looking for work."
October 14, 2011
When Ron went to Kim's house for the first time she took him into the living room. Excusing herself, she went to the kitchen to make them a few drinks.
As he was standing there alone, Ron noticed a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picked it up, and as he was looking at it, Kim walked back in.
"What's this?" Ron asked.
She replied, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He put the vase back up, "Geez...oooh....I..."
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray when he visits."
October 13, 2011
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local DMV was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
October 12, 2011
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
October 11, 2011
The minister advised Uncle Howard to give some thought to the "hereafter."
Uncle Howard told him that the hereafter was hardly ever out of his mind.
At least a dozen times a day he would go to do something, like going to the bathroom cabinet for his medicine, then say, "What the heck am I hereafter?!"
October 10, 2011
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
October 9, 2011
A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the boy, "Is your mother home?"
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do YOU think?"
October 8, 2011
It was graduation day and everybody was waiting to get their diplomas.
Everybody but Brian. At the commencement, the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Let Brian graduate, let Brian graduate!"
The principal relented to the mob and decided to give Brian one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Brian, how many apples do I have?"
Brian thought long and hard and then said, "Ten."
Hearing the answer the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Brian another chance! Give Brian another chance!"
October 7, 2011
Brian reported for his final exam which consisted of Yes / No answers.
He took his seat in the examination hall, stared at the test, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of his pocket. He started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.
Within 30 minutes he was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Brian frantically started flipping the coin again.
The moderator, concerned about what he was doing, stopped by his desk and asked if everything was ok.
"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago—but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"
October 6, 2011
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 pounds!"
October 5, 2011
There were two good ol' boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing.
They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
October 4, 2011
A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it would take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman. "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"
October 3, 2011
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely ..... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.
October 2, 2011
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
October 1, 2011
Andrew and Morgan are playing on the swings together.
"I'm really worried," Andrew says, "My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
"What have you got to worry about?" Morgan replies, "Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
"Yeah, I guess," responds Andrew, "But what if they try to escape?"