October 29, 2012
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers!
October 28, 2012
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
October 26, 2012
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
October 25, 2012
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
October 24, 2012
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher… I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“Nooo, I didn't!” said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Noooo, I did not Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
October 23, 2012
"In our family," a little girl told her teacher, "everybody marries relatives.
My father married my mother, my uncle married my aunt, and the other day I found out that my grandmother married my grandfather."
October 22, 2012
After being away on business, John thought it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That's a bit much," said John, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," John complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said John, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
October 21, 2012
Tom heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Tom and his good friend Darryl headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Tom and Darryl arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Tom stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Darryl headed for home.
When Tom arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Tom by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
October 20, 2012
Playing a round by himself, Keith was about to tee off when a greasy little salesman ran up to him and yelled, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
Keith, annoyed, asked, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," said the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," Keith scoffed, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," replied the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is and spins toward it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," said the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," said Keith, impressed, "But what if your round goes late, and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir. This golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
Keith decided to buy it at once. "Just one question," he said to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
October 19, 2012
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
October 18, 2012
While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.
That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!
The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"
October 17, 2012
The commuter approached the conductor. "This morning I accidentally left a bottle of Scotch on the train. By any chance, was it turned in to the lost and found?"
"No," replied the conductor, "But the guy who found it was."
October 16, 2012
Mary was waiting for her first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, and suddenly noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome boy with the same name that had been in her high school class some 40+ years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been her classmate!!
After he had examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" she asked.
He answered, "In 1954."
"Why, you were in my class!" she exclaimed.
He looked closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
October 15, 2012
An older lady gets pulled over for
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in
plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of
my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and
that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
October 14, 2012
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that's your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed said...Hebrews.
October 13, 2012
A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund.
A passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.
The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get a long little doggie."
October 12, 2012
Jane was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Jane was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Jane decided to go into the store and told the manager that she would sue the store if they didn't do something about that rude bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When Jane walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
And the bird replied, "You know."
October 11, 2012
The nurse went out into the hallway and spoke to the man in the sterile gown and mask pacing up and down saying, "The delivery is going so well, wouldn't you like to come in now?"
"No! I can't stand all that blood and screaming. Leave me alone."
A few minutes later, she went out again and said, "It is almost over. Wouldn't you like to come in now?"
"No! Leave me alone! I told you I can't stand all that blood and screaming!"
"But, you must," the nurse replied. "The delivery is almost finished and you are the doctor!"
October 10, 2012
The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
October 9, 2012
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."
October 8, 2012
An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture.
The Amish man said, "No, no you can not."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him your paper!"
October 7, 2012
Although Jack and his wife enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was Jack who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, Maxine walked into the living room where Jack was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to her husband, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
October 6, 2012
Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.
One Saturday morning he got up early, dressed quietly, made his lunch, put on his long johns, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain was pouring down, then snow mixed in with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 miles per hour.
So he returned to the garage, went back into the house and turned the TV to check the weather forecast. He discovers that it was going to be bad weather all day long.
He put his boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. Cuddling up to his wife's back and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she replied, "I know—can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in that?"
October 5, 2012
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
“I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD.”
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“That's okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
October 4, 2012
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
October 3, 2012
Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Jane
Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
October 2, 2012
A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."
The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."
October 1, 2012
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don't have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he's out there?”
“Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?”