Saturday, October 31, 1998
The patient explained to the
psycharatrist that he was haunted by visions of his departed
"These ghosts are perched atop the fence posts around my garden
every night" said the patient. "They just sit there and watch me and watch me
and watch me. Doc, ya gotta help me! What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a
moment then looked at his patient and said, "That's easy, just sharpen the tops
of the posts!"
Friday, October 30, 1998
A man phones home from the office and
tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for
a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so, pack my
clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home
in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes
A week later he returns.
His wife asks, "Did you have a good
He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk
The wife responds in an angry tone, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in
your tackle box."
Frog Goes Into A Bank
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to
the loan officer. The frog says, "Hi, what's your name?"
The loan officer
says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd
like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but
gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?
The frog says, "Kermit
The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay.
Ummm...do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink
ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm
not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell
him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and
says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants
to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm
not even sure what it is."
The manager says, "It's a nick-nack, Paddywack,
give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
Thursday, October 29,
Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so
her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip
a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mrs. Lee returned, she shocked the doctor
by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you
follow my instructions?"
Mrs. Watson nodded. "I'll tell you though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you
"No, from skipping."
Wednesday, October 28,
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing
in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked
somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
Tuesday, October 27,
John invited his mother over for
dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's
roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John
and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and
I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt
it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and
wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not
saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not'
sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Monday, October 26, 1998
A Lutheran minister is driving down to
New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord,
He's done it again!"
Brick Layers Accident Report
I am writing in
response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident
reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for
a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh
240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,
swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks.
You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the
third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally
impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the
broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report.
only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph
2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of
mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain
I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time,
however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid
descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to
change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to
lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only
three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay
there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty
barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope...
Sunday, October 25, 1998
At a company in the UK, a Quality
Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating
words such as: 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.
This was supposed to make you think
that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a
handwritten addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B
Saturday, October 24,
Cutting to the Chase
The professors of mathematics and
physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college
building. The professor of English walking by asked, "What seems to be the
"We," said the professor of mathematics, "were wondering how to
measure the height of this flag pole."
The professor of English quickly
unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a
measuring tape, measured it, and said, "It is exactly 20 feet long," and walked
away smoking his pipe.
Looking at the English professor's receding back,
the professor of physics remarked, "Smart alec. We wanted to know the height,
and he tells us the length!"
Friday, October 23, 1998
Pete frequented a local New York bar
after work. One day he decided to satisfy his curiosity by asking Joe, the
bartender, that was up with the fellow who sits at the end of the bar everyday,
drinking three beers simultaneously.
Joe says, "That's Frank. Frank
recently moved here from L.A. He was really close to his two younger brothers,
with whom he would often go drinking after a hard day's work. In their honor, he
drinks one for each of them, along with his own.
He claims it eases the
homesickness." Well, Pete could certainly respect that sort of family
One day, Pete walked in and noticed Frank sitting in front of
only two beers. Fearing the worst, Pete asked Joe if something had happened to
one of Frank's brothers.
"Oh, no, nothing like that," Joe replied.
"Frank's wife made him quit drinking!"
Thursday, October 22,
A husband and wife were driving on the
highway when they got pulled over by a policeman. The policeman knocked on the
window and said to the gentleman driving, "Do you realize that you were
The man replied, "I wasn't speeding."
His wife looked at him
and said, "Yes you were. You were going 20 miles over the speed limit."
husband looked at her and said, "Will you just keep your mouth shut?"
policeman then said to the husband, "I can also cite you for not wearing your
The man said, "I was wearing it, but I took it off to get my
His wife said, "No you didn't, you weren't wearing your
The husband then said, "I thought I told you to shut your
The policeman then looked into the window and said, "Excuse me ma'am,
but does he always talk to you like that?"
She said, "Oh no Officer, only
when he is Drinking and Driving."
Wednesday, October 21,
Early one morning, a mother went in to
wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old.
And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Tuesday, October 20,
1. Illiterate? Write today for free
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your
Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats
anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite
Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit:
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher
needed for pre-school.
9. Mixing bowl set
designed to please a cook with
round bottom for efficient
10. Dinner special -
Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
A man turns to the guy next to him at a
bar and asks, "Do you want to hear a redneck story?"
The guy says, "Buddy,
I'm six feet, 210 pounds, and I'm a redneck. You see the guy on the other side
of you? That'a Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And
the guy next to him? He's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now,
do you still want to tell your redneck story?"
The fella says, "Naw, I'd hate
to have to explain it three times."
Monday, October 19, 1998
A rabbit one day managed to break free
from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away
from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw
the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he
thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it
he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at
the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've
just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them
said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up
and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating
the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again,
"What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in
it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a
while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him,
a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend
replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a
Sunday, October 18, 1998
A very elderly couple is having an
elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans
forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask
you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the
rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the
most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot
take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye,
she paused for a moment, and then confessed, "Yes. Yes he did."
man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder
than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at
first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."
Saturday, October 17,
The other day, my girlfriends and I
went to this "Ladies Nightclub". One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she
pulls out a $10 bill. The "male dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked
the $10 and put it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls
out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and puts it on
his other butt cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do
to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in me
I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60
bucks, and went home.
Friday, October 16, 1998
The Importance Of "Correct
I want a man who knows
what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not
like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men.
I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be
forever happy--will you let me be yours?
I want a
man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people,
who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me.
For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're
apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me
Call Your Mother
A man called his mother in Florida. He
said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not to good. I've been
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
"Because I havn't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "How come you
haven't eaten in 38 days?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be
filled with food when you called."
Thursday, October 15,
Sailors New Bride
A newly married sailor was informed by
the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote
island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to
miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
" My love," he wrote " we
are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and
there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're
constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a
hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a
harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour
of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I
can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"
let's see you play that harmonica!" she said.
Wednesday, October 14,
"I canny button me pants..."
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the
little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button
that's come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "
"Oh Angus...I've got me
hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin
ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the
door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks
at him and says "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told
"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did,
everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee
thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in...
Tuesday, October 13,
It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers
and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than
anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.
place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into
the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table
playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would
like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"
Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't
usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my
health, but step back and let me take a look at you."
The boy stepped
back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got
two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But
what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"
The young man, happy to
show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without
aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.
Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left
Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the
pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's
left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from
his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked
Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That
was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do
have one good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.
suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard.
Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do
Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and
said, "Well son, when Mr. Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's
going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "
The boy didn't wait for
the rest of the answer.
Monday, October 12, 1998
A sweet little girl runs out to the
backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her
father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc...
tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... He thinks, what
the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all
is the only way to tell truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this
sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what
made you wish to know about sex?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in
a couple of secs..."
The aspiring psychiatrists were
attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the
opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of
depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the
opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy
Sunday, October 11, 1998
Sol and Al were sitting in a Chinese
"Sol," asked Al, "I wonder if there are any Jews in China?"
don't know," Sol replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came
by, Al asked him, "Do you have any Chinese Jews in China?"
"I don't know sir,
let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a
few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the
While he was still gone, Sol said, "I cannot believe there are no
Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned
he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I
cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone in
kitchen," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews,
tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese
Saturday, October 10,
"You go ahead and enjoy your shopping"
said the husband to his wife in the mall, " I'll just browse in the hardware
An hour later she returned and saw him at the checkout counter.
The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would
fill two wheelbarrows.
"Are you buying all this?" the wife asked
"Well, yes," he said embarrassed. Then, waving his arm
toward the interior of the store added "but look at all the stuff I'm leaving
Friday, October 9, 1998
A man is walking along the beach when
he trips over something in the sand. Upon examination, he sees that it's a
Genie's lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, "I am the
Genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting
me free I will grant you one wish,"
The man thought and thought. Finally,
he pulled out a map and said, "It's been my goal in life to do something for
mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on
the map? It's called the Middle East and it's a very violent region. I realize I
could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but I'd like to use this wish for peace
in the Middle East."
The Genie looked disappointed. He said, "I'm sorry
sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting
for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious
battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly
occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part of the world
for even one of my wishes to do any good. I'm sorry, but I just can't do that.
Have you another wish?"
"Well," said the man. "If I can't do that for
mankind, perhaps I can do this. I would like to understand how the opposite sex
works. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions?
How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could
fully understand the opposite sex."
The Genie thinks and after a while,
the replied: "Let me see that map again."
Thursday, October 8,
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man,
you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I
had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I
will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have
it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth
guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes
off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or
Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
Wednesday, October 7,
A minister who was very fond of pure,
hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered
some to a guest who took a big spoonfull.
When the guest was finally able to
speak, he gasped, "I've heard many preachers preach hellfire, but you're the
first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."
The trouble with being a
good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.
Tuesday, October 6, 1998
The marriage between the elderly farmer
and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his
doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a
yearning for your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the
end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house."
that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered
out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with
you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the
gun and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two
men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
first three days," said the farmer, "then hunting season opened and I haven't
seen her since."
Monday, October 5, 1998
A man walked into a doctor's office.
What do you have?" the receptionist asked him.
"Shingles, "he replied. She
told him to sit down.
Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you
"Shingles," he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and
complete medical history. Then she took him to a room, told him to remove
all of his clothes, and left. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,
"What do you have?"
"Shingles," the man told him.
The Doctor looked him up
and down and asked, "Where? I don't see them."
"Out on the truck. Where do
you want me to unload them?"
A salesman calls up a house and a
little girl answers the phone and in a very soft, very quiet voice says:
Salesman: Is you mom home?
Salesman: Well, may I
speak with her?
Girl: No, she's busy.
Salesman: Well, is your dad
Salesman: Well, may I speak to him?
Girl: No, he's busy
Salesman: Well, is there anybody else there?
Girl: There's a
Salesman: May I speak to him?
Girl: No, he's busy
Salesman: Is there anybody else in your house?
Girl: Yes, a
Salesman: Good, may I speak with him then?
Girl: No, he's busy
with the rest of them.
Salesman: Well, what are they all doing?
Looking for me.
Sunday, October 4, 1998
Three guys enter a disabled swimming
contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no
body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all
in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles
coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to
rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the
head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years
I've spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the
whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"
Saturday, October 3,
A couple went on vacation to a resort
up north. The husband liked to fish and the wife liked to read. One morning the
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took
a nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar
with the lake so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her
book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and asks her
what she is doing. She says, "reading my book."
He tells her she is in a
restricted fishing area and she says she is not fishing. He says "But you have
all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up". She says "If
you do that I will charge you with rape". He says, "I didn't even touch
She says "Yes; but you have all the
Friday, October 2, 1998
On the first day of creation, God
created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse)
to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created
honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth
day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and
the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the
Pope and the Queen
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were
standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The
Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I
can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going
to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a
minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH
person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with
just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
the Pope headbutts her.
Thursday, October 1,
Two senior couples are walking along,
wives in front, husbands in back.
Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new
restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
"Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of
that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose! Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last