October, 1998

What's that Word? The Pope and the Queen What's that Word?
Restricted Swimming Contest Too Busy to Talk
Mixed Signals A Case of Shingles Horseradish
Sunday Golf Gone Shopping The Genie
Chinese Jews Aspiring Psychiatrists That Special Moment
"I canny button me pants..." The Young Gunslinger The Sailors New Bride
So Call Your Mother The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation" My ATM Card
Force of Habit Our Tenth Child A Redneck Story
I Don't Wanna Go Real Advertisements Full Disclosure
Moral Campaign Cutting to the Chase In honor of...
Water Into Wine Brick Layers
Accident Report
The Roommate
The Lawyer A Frog Goes Into A Bank The Diet
Gone Fishin Garden Ghosts




Saturday, October 31, 1998

Garden Ghosts

The patient explained to the psycharatrist that he was haunted by visions of his departed realative.
"These ghosts are perched atop the fence posts around my garden every night" said the patient. "They just sit there and watch me and watch me and watch me. Doc, ya gotta help me! What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment then looked at his patient and said, "That's easy, just sharpen the tops of the posts!"

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Friday, October 30, 1998

Gone Fishin

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
The wife responds in an angry tone, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

A Frog Goes Into A Bank

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer. The frog says, "Hi, what's your name?"
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not even sure what it is."
The manager says, "It's a nick-nack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

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Thursday, October 29, 1998

The Diet

Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mrs. Lee returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Mrs. Watson nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

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Wednesday, October 28, 1998

The Lawyer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance
company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

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Tuesday, October 27, 1998

The Roommate

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

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Monday, October 26, 1998

Water Into Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Brick Layers Accident Report

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope...

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Sunday, October 25, 1998

Moral Campaign

At a company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as: 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.

This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL.'

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Saturday, October 24, 1998

Cutting to the Chase

The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building. The professor of English walking by asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

"We," said the professor of mathematics, "were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole."

The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, "It is exactly 20 feet long," and walked away smoking his pipe.

Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, "Smart alec. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!"

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Friday, October 23, 1998

In honor of...

Pete frequented a local New York bar after work. One day he decided to satisfy his curiosity by asking Joe, the bartender, that was up with the fellow who sits at the end of the bar everyday, drinking three beers simultaneously.

Joe says, "That's Frank. Frank recently moved here from L.A. He was really close to his two younger brothers, with whom he would often go drinking after a hard day's work. In their honor, he drinks one for each of them, along with his own.

He claims it eases the homesickness." Well, Pete could certainly respect that sort of family closeness.

One day, Pete walked in and noticed Frank sitting in front of only two beers. Fearing the worst, Pete asked Joe if something had happened to one of Frank's brothers.

"Oh, no, nothing like that," Joe replied. "Frank's wife made him quit drinking!"

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Thursday, October 22, 1998

Full Disclosure

A husband and wife were driving on the highway when they got pulled over by a policeman. The policeman knocked on the window and said to the gentleman driving, "Do you realize that you were speeding?"
The man replied, "I wasn't speeding."
His wife looked at him and said, "Yes you were. You were going 20 miles over the speed limit."
The husband looked at her and said, "Will you just keep your mouth shut?"
The policeman then said to the husband, "I can also cite you for not wearing your seatbelt."
The man said, "I was wearing it, but I took it off to get my license out."
His wife said, "No you didn't, you weren't wearing your seatbelt."
The husband then said, "I thought I told you to shut your mouth."
The policeman then looked into the window and said, "Excuse me ma'am, but does he always talk to you like that?"
She said, "Oh no Officer, only when he is Drinking and Driving."

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Wednesday, October 21, 1998

I Don't Wanna Go

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old.
And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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Tuesday, October 20, 1998

Real Advertisements

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with
round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Dinner special -
Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

A Redneck Story

A man turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Do you want to hear a redneck story?"
The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, and I'm a redneck. You see the guy on the other side of you? That'a Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the guy next to him? He's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"
The fella says, "Naw, I'd hate to have to explain it three times."

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Monday, October 19, 1998

Force of Habit

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

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Sunday, October 18, 1998

Our Tenth Child

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment, and then confessed, "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

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Saturday, October 17, 1998

My ATM Card

The other day, my girlfriends and I went to this "Ladies Nightclub". One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "male dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt.

Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and puts it on his other butt cheek.

Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in me took over.

I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

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Friday, October 16, 1998

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings  whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me.
For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?

So Call Your Mother

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not to good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I havn't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

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Thursday, October 15, 1998

The Sailors New Bride

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

" My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

"First let's see you play that harmonica!" she said.

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Wednesday, October 14, 1998

"I canny button me pants..."

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in...

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Tuesday, October 13, 1998

The Young Gunslinger

It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"

Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."

"What's that?" the boy asked.

"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.

Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Mr. Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "

The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.

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Monday, October 12, 1998

That Special Moment

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc...
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Aspiring Psychiatrists

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

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Sunday, October 11, 1998

Chinese Jews

Sol and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sol," asked Al, "I wonder if there are any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sol replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Do you have any Chinese Jews in China?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sol said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no   Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone in kitchen," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

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Saturday, October 10, 1998

Gone Shopping

"You go ahead and enjoy your shopping" said the husband to his wife in the mall, " I'll just browse in the hardware store."

An hour later she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" the wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said embarrassed. Then, waving his arm toward the interior of the store added "but look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind."

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Friday, October 9, 1998

The Genie

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand. Upon examination, he sees that it's a Genie's lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, "I am the Genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish,"

The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, "It's been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East and it's a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but I'd like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East."

The Genie looked disappointed. He said, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good. I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Have you another wish?"

"Well," said the man. "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this. I would like to understand how the opposite sex works. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand the opposite sex."

The Genie thinks and after a while, the replied: "Let me see that map again."

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Thursday, October 8, 1998

Sunday Golf

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

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Wednesday, October 7, 1998


A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest who took a big spoonfull.
When the guest was finally able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many preachers preach hellfire, but you're the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."

The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.

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Tuesday, October 6, 1998

Mixed Signals

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house."
"I tried that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."

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Monday, October 5, 1998

A Case of Shingles

A man walked into a doctor's office. What do you have?" the receptionist asked him.
"Shingles, "he replied. She told him to sit down.
Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?"
"Shingles," he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then  she took him to a room, told him to remove all of his clothes, and left. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked, "What do you have?"
"Shingles," the man told him.
The Doctor looked him up and down and asked, "Where? I don't see them."
"Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"

Too Busy to Talk

A salesman calls up a house and a little girl answers the phone and in a very soft, very quiet voice says: "Hello"
Salesman: Is you mom home?
Girl: Yes
Salesman: Well, may I speak with her?
Girl: No, she's busy.
Salesman: Well, is your dad home?
Girl: Yes
Salesman: Well, may I speak to him?
Girl: No, he's busy too.
Salesman: Well, is there anybody else there?
Girl: There's a policeman.
Salesman: May I speak to him?
Girl: No, he's busy too.
Salesman: Is there anybody else in your house?
Girl: Yes, a fireman.
Salesman: Good, may I speak with him then?
Girl: No, he's busy with the rest of them.
Salesman: Well, what are they all doing?
Girl: Looking for me.

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Sunday, October 4, 1998

Swimming Contest

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no  arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

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Saturday, October 3, 1998


A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.  The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and asks her what she is doing. She says, "reading my book."

He tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she says she is not fishing. He says "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up". She says "If you do that I will charge you with rape". He says, "I didn't even touch you".

She says "Yes; but you have all the equipment..."

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Friday, October 2, 1998

What's that Word?

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

The Pope and the Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

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Thursday, October 1, 1998

What's that Word?

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back.
Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose! Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

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