October 1999

Computer Acronyms	Girlfriends	Price Comparison
Air Sick	Acceptance Testing	Three Little Pigs
More Silly Sightings	On Getting Older....	Airline Shuffle
Lies, All Lies	Shopping Problem	The Obituary
In The Dark	Signs That You Might Be Stressed	Famous Quotes
Easy Money	Harry Schwartz	The Bar Mitzvah
Clothes	New Office Inspirational Poster Sayings	College Entrance Exam
Facts of Life	The Presidents Driver	The History of Medicine
The Skiers' Dictionary	The Filling	Twins
Just in Case	Car Accronyms	9 Months
Quick Thinking	Why Trick Or Treating is Better Than Sex - PG 13	Two Vampires

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy, and ended up in Venice.
On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later, they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal, and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first. Sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full, but decide to get dessert. In a short while, a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided that they had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away, they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail, and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang ...

.........Scroll down

** You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

** If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

** The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

** You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

** It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

** Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

** If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

** It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

** Less guilt the morning after.

** You can do the whole neighborhood.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half..."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son? "

The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."

"Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They are all just tramps and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife, is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!

AUDI
   Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
   Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
   Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
   Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
   Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
   Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
   Fix It All the Time

FORD
   Backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
   Fix Or Repair Daily
   Found On Road, Dead
   Fault Of R&D
   First on Race Day

GM
   General Maintenance

GMC
   Garage Man's Companion
   Got a Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
   Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

HYUNDAI
   Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
   Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
   Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
   Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover equipment

SAAB
   Send Another Automobile Back
   Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
   Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
   Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
   Virtually Worthless

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply:
"What Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
*Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs.
*Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
*Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are:
The strong force, which makes bindings jam;
The weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and Electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:
* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.
* Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
* When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where
the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,

"But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

1999 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked the President.
"Well," the driver replied "the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked the President.
The driver replied: "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.

COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or - give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army
d. write a play

4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion - how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the
5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)

8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a. westerners
b. southerners
c. easterners
d. northerners

9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - spell your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. FLORIDA
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math, If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. STILL WAITING

* You must answer three(3) or more questions correctly to qualify

When asked "What kinds of clothes are there?"

Women will answer "Clean and Dirty."

Men will answer "Clean, Almost Clean, Sorta Clean, Not bad, Dirty, Really Dirty, Funky, Nasty, Biohazard."

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Two bumble bees run into each other. "So, how's it goin'?"
"Oh, things have been just terrible. The weather's been really wet and there haven't been any flowers, so I can't make any honey."
The other bee says, "That's no problem. Just fly down five blocks and turn left, then keep going till you get to the big hall. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on in there and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and baskets of fresh fruit everywhere. You'll have a blast."
The other bee says, "Thanks for the tip," and flies away.
A few hours later the two bees run into each other again. "So, how'd it go at the Bar Mitzvah?"
"Fine, it was everything you said it would be."
The first bumble bee says, "What's that thing on your head?"
"Oh, that's my yarmulke." "Did they make you wear a yarmulke before you could go to the Bar Mitzvah?"
"No," says the bumble bee, "but I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Harry Schwartz is lying in a hospital bed. His wife, Selma, is by his side:
"Selma, you've always been by my side."
"When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side."
"When I had my first heart attack at 45, you were by my side."
"When I had my second heart attack at 55, you were by my side."
"When I had my prostate removed at 65, there you were, at my side."
"Now, when I break my hip at 75, you are again by my side, my faithful wife."
"You know, Selma, you're a damn jinx!"

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passangers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards.

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, Brittany was shocked to find her house had been ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Brittany ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

* The sun is too loud.

* Trees begin to chase you.

* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of
espresso.

* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of
coffee.

* You can hear mimes.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

* Things become "Very Clear."

* You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

* You and Reality file for divorce.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can skip without a rope.

* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

* You can travel without moving.

* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail" and "Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning," modern events have made for modern lies to take their place among the classics. Following are some of the "new" classics:

- I never inhaled.
- I never watch television except PBS.
- Don't worry -- we'll be putting out the Y2K upgrade next week.
- I did not have sex with that woman.
- I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.
- The engine is supposed to make that noise.
- Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it.
- I am married, but we're getting a divorce.
- Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
- Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.
- I've never done anything like this before.
- It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
- You get this one and I'll pay next time.
- Trust me.

One day a redneck widow goes into the local newspaper office and said that she would like to have her recently deceased husband's obituary placed in the newspaper. The clerk says not a problem that it will be 50 cents per word. The widow then said let it read "Billy-Bob died."

Astounded by the widow's thriftiness he exclaims that obituaries have a seven word minimum. Then the widow slowly paces the floor for a few minutes and approaches the desk and says okay have it say "Billy-Bob died 1983 pickup for sale."

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
" If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost then where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Finally, A Prayer for getting older...

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.
After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the mess all over him.
"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, an the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did!
The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!"
The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in!
"The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up.
Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the stuffing out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf dead on the street.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"
The brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."

Now in the news are all kinds of reports on what oil costs per barrel, how it affects gas prices, airline tickets, heating and air conditioning, etc., etc, etc. Well, here's what the "other stuff" costs by the barrel.

West Texas Intermediate Crude: $14.68

What 'other stuff' costs by the barrel [42 gallons]

CocaCola: $ 78.73

Milk: $126.00

Evian Water: $189.90

Orange Juice: $251.16

Snapple: $267.12

Perrier Water: $328.67

Lemon Oil: $390.88

Crisco Oil: $435.12

Scope Mouthwash: $826.65

Sunflower Oil: $971.04

Olive Oil: $1,324.38

Real Maple Syrup: $1,787.52

Sesame Oil: $2,535.61

Jack Daniel's Bourbon: $4,133.26

Visine Eye Drops: $32,202.24

Flonase Prescription Nasal Spray: $238,133.21

These figures tend to put things into a bit of a different perspective... don't they?

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey", asked the one at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The passenger turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?" asks the driver.
The passenger turned around again..."Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup...nope...".

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defunct Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs