October 4 - 10, 1997

Talking Parrots College Humor
The 'Birds & Bees' The Farmers Daughters
The Psychiatrist The Plane
Farmer Brown


Friday, October 10, 1997

Farmer Brown

The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife.
"Now listen, Luke," the doctor advised, "you have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses. Show her how much you care."
"Well, I do the best I can, Doc," the fellow cried. "You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired."
The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a-runnin'."
About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor....this
time really depressed. "What's wrong" asked the doctor. "Didn't you take my advice?"
"Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week," moaned the farmer. "I haven't seen her since."


Thursday, October 9, 1997

The Plane

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming flight attendent came round with the drink cart, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the
air-hostess said, "Madam, I didn't know there was a choice."


Wednesday, October 8, 1997

The Psychiatrist

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."


Tuesday, October 7, 1997

The Farmers Daughters

A farmer had three lovely daughters, that he never allowed to date. The girls were beginning to worry that if they didn't get the opportunity to date soon, they would all end up old spinsters.
So after all three repeatedly begged the farmer to be allowed to date, he said, " OK girls, you win! I will let you go out on a date this Saturday. But these have to be nice young men, who will behave like gentlemen."
The girls said, "Oh, thank you papa, they will all be very nice boys."
So Saturday night finally comes around, and at 7:30 there's a knock at the door.
The farmer opens the door on a presentable young man who says, " Hi, My name's Eddy, I came for Betty, we're going to eat spagetti. Is she ready?" The farmer scratched his head and called for
Betty, and the couple leave.
A few minutes later there's another knock at the door, and the farmer answers. He opens the door on another presentable young man who says, "Hi, My name's Jer, I came for Clair, we're
going to the fair. We're going to meet friends there!" The farmer calls for Clair and the happy couple are on their way.
A monent later there's a third knock at the door. Again the farmer finds a presentable young may who says, "Hi, My name's Buck!"
The Farmer shot him!


Monday, October 6, 1997

The 'Birds & Bees'

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc... He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love... He thinks, what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what why did you wish to know about sex?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."


Sunday, October 5, 1997

College Humor

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

A professor at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., was telling his students that they would be responsible for reading 5 books, and he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose. He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook......" One student was working fervishly to get down the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. The student behind him whispered, "He's taking attendance."

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so. "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"


Saturday, Oct. 4, 1997

Talking Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and thefemale parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"