October 11 - 17,
Friday, October 17, 1997
Two friends, an Italian boy and an American boy,
come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new
pistol. On the other side of town, the American boy receives a beautiful gold
The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they
got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded. That night, when
the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
dida you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
The boy explains that he and
Sammy had traded.
The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa
matta you! Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you
gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna
do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
Thursday, October 16, 1997
Class On Emotional Extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their
first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said
the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
replied Ms Biggs.
"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
that would be giddyup," Squiffy replied.
Wednesday, October 15, 1997
Deafness Overtakes Us
This old man goes to the doctor and tells him that
he thinks that his wife is going deaf, and he'd sure like some advice about how
to help her, but knows she will get upset if he approaches her without the
The doctor tells him that he needs to know exactly how deaf she is
before he can give much help. He suggested that the guy go home and find out
what distance away he needs to be for his wife to hear him.
So the old man
goes home, opens the front door and says: "Hi honey, I'm home. What's for
dinner?" but with no reply.
He then moves to the living room and repeats the
question, but still gets no reply. Next, he walked to the kitchen door and
repeated the same sentence, without any success. Finally, he came right up
behind his wife, put his arms around her and said: "Hi honey, I'm home! What's
"For the fourth and last time, you deaf old coot, it's
Tuesday, October 14, 1997
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal
morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1sitting on
the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging
from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks
he's a light bulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is
going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should
get him down from there before he hurts himself!"
Patient #1 replies,
"What?! And work in the dark?!"
Monday, October 13, 1997
The New Yorker
An attractive woman from New York was
driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her car broke down. A Native
American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She
climbed upbehind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful
except that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud
that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he
let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put
my arms aroundhis waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"
Sunday, October 12, 1997
One Word or
An older couple, living apart, had been
dating for a number of years. One day Elmer says to Betsy, "We should stop this
nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate
food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together.
Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is paid for.
car would we keep and pay insurance on?
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs
better than mine.
Betsy: Who would do the cooking?
Elmer: You cook and
I'll do the dishes.
Betsy: What about sex?
Is that one word or two?
Saturday, October 11, 1997
Dept. of Motor
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the
long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor
vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my
selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the
"Cash," I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness , I
explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back