October 11 - 17, 1997


Dept. of Motor Vehicles One Word or Two?
The New Yorker The Psychologist
Deafness Overtakes Us Two Boys
Class On Emotional Extremes



Friday, October 17, 1997

Two Boys

Two friends, an Italian boy and an American boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol. On the other side of town, the American boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded. That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
"Where dida you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.
The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you! Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"


Thursday, October 16, 1997

Class On Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation" replied Ms Biggs.
"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddyup," Squiffy replied.


Wednesday, October 15, 1997

Deafness Overtakes Us

This old man goes to the doctor and tells him that he thinks that his wife is going deaf, and he'd sure like some advice about how to help her, but knows she will get upset if he approaches her without the evidence.
The doctor tells him that he needs to know exactly how deaf she is before he can give much help. He suggested that the guy go home and find out what distance away he needs to be for his wife to hear him.
So the old man goes home, opens the front door and says: "Hi honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?" but with no reply.
He then moves to the living room and repeats the question, but still gets no reply. Next, he walked to the kitchen door and repeated the same sentence, without any success. Finally, he came right up behind his wife, put his arms around her and said: "Hi honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?"
"For the fourth and last time, you deaf old coot, it's CHICKEN!"


Tuesday, October 14, 1997

The Psychologist

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself!"
Patient #1 replies, "What?! And work in the dark?!"


Monday, October 13, 1997

The New Yorker

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her car broke down. A Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed upbehind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the servicestation attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms aroundhis waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"


Sunday, October 12, 1997

One Word or Two?

An older couple, living apart, had been dating for a number of years. One day Elmer says to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together.
Betsy: Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is paid for.
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.
Betsy: Who would do the cooking?
Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.
Betsy: What about sex?
Elmer: Infrequently.
Betsy: Is that one word or two?


Saturday, October 11, 1997

Dept. of Motor Vehicles

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"