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October 18 - 24, 1997

Friday, October 24, 1997

His Sense of Humor

There was once a very inspirational preacher, but he had a tremendous weakness for golf. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession for him. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. She went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. Wow! A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and ecstatic.
The angel was a little shocked. She turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
The Lord smiled and said, "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

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Thursday, October 23, 1997

The Cannons Roar

Jon had always wanted to be an actor, but never succeeded because he had a hard time remember lines. A friend of his, Judi, told him about a bit part in a community play. She assured Jon that he could do it because he'd only have to remember one line. Jon decided to take the part. His only line was, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" Jon practiced and practiced, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
The opening night of the play Jon was very nervous. Backstage, he practiced his line, over and over again, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
Finally, Jon was given his cue and went on stage. He hears a loud BOOM, and yells, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

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Wednesday, October 22, 1997

A Quickie?

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie". She slaps his face and says, Now would you please give me your order.
Again, he says, I want a quickie. She slaps him again and says, I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche."

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Tuesday, October 21, 1997

The Drunk

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. "Shertainly." said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said " You shee that piano?
Thash mine. You shee that giant television set ? Thast mine too. Now follow me."
The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there ? Thast mine ! Shee that woman lying in the bed ? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her ?
"Yeah ?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.
"Well, thash me !"

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Monday, October 20, 1997

Unexpected Generosity

On the last day of school, all the kindergarten children always brought their loved teacher gifts at this particular school. It's a tradition for many students at this tender age. All the gifts were before her.
The teacher accepted a gift from the first child who was a florist's son.
She shook it and said, "I know what this is; It's flowers."
The boy replied, "Why, yes that was right. You're so smart, Teacher!"
The next gift was from a darling little girl who was the daughter of a candy store owner.
The teacher shook the gift and said, "This must be a box of candy!"
The girl replied affirmatively in astonishment...
The teacher picked up the next box from the table, loving to amaze them so. It was from a little boy who's dad owned a liquor store. The teacher noticed that it was an odd shaped box and that it was leaking a little. She wiped up a drop up with her finger and tasted it, saying, "Well. this must be a bottle of wine!"
The little boy said, "Nope, guess again."
She tasted another drop and said, "It must be champagne then."
The little boy said, "No, sorry."
She then asked what it might be.
"A puppy! Are you surprised, Teacher?" said the hopeful little boy.

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Sunday, October 19, 1997

Young at Heart

An 80-year old couple decided they wanted to have one more child. The wife suggested they discuss this with their doctor, so they visited with her.
Their doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see if he had enough ammunition.
She gave the old man a jar and said "Take this in that room and provide me with a sperm specimen."
After 30 minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the old man appeared, obviously disheveled. "Doctor, can I bring my wife in with me?" he asked.
"Sure, whatever helps!" the doctor replied.
The old man's wife entered the room with the old man, and closed the door. Sure enough; another 30 minutes of grunting, groaning and screaming ensued. Then the couple opened the door and stepped out of the room, sweat beading on their foreheads, their clothes wrinkled and obviously frustrated... The old man handed the jar to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at the jar and said, "The jar is empty. Didn't you have any luck?"
The old man replied, "Doctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my
right, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out. We just couldn't get that lid off the jar."

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Saturday, October 18, 1997

Orient Express?

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

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