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October 25 - 31, 1997

Friday, October 31, 1997

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."
He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?"
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Well I didn't!"

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Thursday, October 30, 1997

Eternal Punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Smitty, Mark, and Brian. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall (which they hadn't noticed before) open, and behind the door was perhaps the Ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Smitty, you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Smitty was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his doom.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and lo! an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7', covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The Voice of the Devil was heard, "Mark, you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!!!" And Mark, like Smitty, was whisked off.
Brian, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford!!!!!!!!!!!!
Delighted, Brian jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a shiny metallic NASA-space-age material
bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil say :
"Cindy, you have sinned ........"

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Wednesday, October 29, 1997

Forget Me Not

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

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Tuesday, October 28, 1997

Christian Prey

A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.
The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life."
The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."

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Monday, October 27, 1997

Drink Fast

A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer. When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone.
The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast." The guy explains, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!"

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Sunday, October 26, 1997

US Navy

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations

Hail: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Reply: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to
avoid a collision.
Hail: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Hail: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Reply: This is a lighthouse... Your call.

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Saturday, October 25, 1997

Texonics

Texas' answer to Ebonics. Currently the language is
broadcast in many forms, the most notable being Big Tex, a large Texan who broadcasts solely at the State Fair of Texas in October of each year. His grass roots efforts over the last forty years have led to a full program being considered by the Texas school system. Here is a sample curriculum:

ahz - the things you see with
aig - which came first? The chicken or the aig?
arn - an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothes
bawl - what water does at 212 degrees
bidness - a commercial enterprise
bobbycue - a delectable southern meat drenched in a fiery sauce
bobware - A product which ended open ranges .
co-cola - any form/brand of soft drink/pop
clinics - a tissue
crine - weeping
dawfins - a pro football team in Miami coached by Jimmy Johnson
daints - an event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to music
dayum - an expletive; in other states it's a four letter word
doc - a condition caused by the absence of light
ever - each, as in "she bin crine ever day since JJ run off"
far - combustion
git - to acquire
goff - a game played with clubs and a little white ball
hep - a cry for assistance as in " Hep! There's a far!"
hoss - a large, hoofed, herbivorous animal
lectricity - energy for arns, tv's an other thangs
liberry - a building with thousands of books
nekkid - to be unclothed
all well - a source of petroleum
own - opposite of awf (see lectricity)
paypuh - what you write on
shevuhlay - a General Motors car
spearmint - something scientists do
stow - place where things are sold
tar - a round inflatable object that you might need a tar-arn to fix if it goes flat
uhmurkin - someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka
zackly - precisely

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