October 25 - 31,
Friday, October 31, 1997
A vampire bat came flapping in from the
night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some
sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they
persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."
He flew out of the cave
with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a
river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?"
YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Well I didn't!"
Thursday, October 30, 1997
Three guys found themselves in Hell:
Smitty, Mark, and Brian. A little confused at their present situation, they were
startled to see a door in the wall (which they hadn't noticed before) open, and
behind the door was perhaps the Ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4",
dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the
Devil was heard, "Smitty, you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest
of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Smitty was whisked through the door by
a group of lesser demons to his doom.
This understandably shook up the other
two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and lo! an even more
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7', covered in thick
black hair, and flies circled her.
The Voice of the Devil was heard, "Mark,
you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with
this woman!!!" And Mark, like Smitty, was whisked off.
Brian, now alone, felt
understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as
the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy
Delighted, Brian jumped up, taking in the sight of this
beautiful woman, barely dressed in a shiny metallic NASA-space-age
bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil say :
have sinned ........"
Wednesday, October 29, 1997
Forget Me Not
Three old ladies are sitting in a
diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting
really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I
couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the
edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as
it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on
her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Tuesday, October 28, 1997
A man was out hunting. He just happened
to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he
came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on
the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was
pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose
The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his
balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down
the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found
that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never
been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning),
prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with
whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life."
The bear was no more than
three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to
the heavens quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud
voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."
Monday, October 27, 1997
A guy goes into a bar and orders seven
shots of tequila and one beer chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and
goes to get the beer. When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all
seven shots were gone.
The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast."
The guy explains, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have." The bartender
asks, "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty
Sunday, October 26, 1997
Actual radio conversation released by
the Chief of Naval Operations
Hail: Please divert your course 15 degrees
to the North to avoid a collision.
Reply: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15
degrees to South to
avoid a collision.
Hail: This is the Captain of a US
Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Reply: No. I say again, you
divert YOUR course.
Hail: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Reply: This is a
lighthouse... Your call.
Saturday, October 25, 1997
Texas' answer to Ebonics. Currently the
broadcast in many forms, the most notable being Big Tex, a large
Texan who broadcasts solely at the State Fair of Texas in October of each year.
His grass roots efforts over the last forty years have led to a full program
being considered by the Texas school system. Here is a sample
ahz - the things you see with
aig - which came first? The
chicken or the aig?
arn - an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles
bawl - what water does at 212 degrees
bidness - a commercial
bobbycue - a delectable southern meat drenched in a fiery
bobware - A product which ended open ranges .
co-cola - any
form/brand of soft drink/pop
clinics - a tissue
crine - weeping
- a pro football team in Miami coached by Jimmy Johnson
daints - an event in
which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to
dayum - an expletive; in other states it's a four letter word
a condition caused by the absence of light
ever - each, as in "she bin crine
ever day since JJ run off"
far - combustion
git - to acquire
goff - a
game played with clubs and a little white ball
hep - a cry for assistance as
in " Hep! There's a far!"
hoss - a large, hoofed, herbivorous
lectricity - energy for arns, tv's an other thangs
liberry - a
building with thousands of books
nekkid - to be unclothed
all well - a
source of petroleum
own - opposite of awf (see lectricity)
paypuh - what
you write on
shevuhlay - a General Motors car
spearmint - something
stow - place where things are sold
tar - a round inflatable
object that you might need a tar-arn to fix if it goes flat
someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka