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November, 2001

New Job

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Math Problem

The math teacher posed this problem, "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.  One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

The savvy student answered, "A lawyer!"

New Proposals

The Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
 
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal from a hundred yards away.
 
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
 
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
 
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
 
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
 
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
 
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

A Special License

There was a woman of questionable intelligence driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

How Else?

A husband was standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, his wife said, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."

"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers?"

Golf Scoring

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body.

They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Did you kill her?"

"Yes, he replied."

"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?"

"Yes," he replied, "...but can you put me down for a five?"

...and then she hit me!

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case.

"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

Medical Advice

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

What does a turkey say?

"Gobble, gobble, gobble?" ....... Not always!

What does ...

A jewelry-lovin' turkey:
   "Bauble bauble bauble"

A dyslexic turkey say?
   "Boggle Boggle Boggle"

A turkey in the shoe repair shop say?
   "Cobble cobble cobble"

A turkey who was an old-time movie fan say?
   "Gable, Gable, Gable!"

A turkey with a sore throat say?
   "Gargle Gargle Gargle"

A turkey with a sore leg say?
   "Hobble hobble hobble."

A football turkey say?
   "Huddle, huddle, huddle"

A dieting turkey:
   "Nibble, nibble nibble."

A one-legged Cockney turkey
   "'Obble 'Obble 'Obble"

A turkey who argues a lot:
   "Squabble squabble squabble."

What does Dr. Seuss' turkey say?
   "Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble."

Chocolate Ice Cream

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning.  We're out of chocolate,"

"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"

The man says, "V-A-N."

"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."

"OK.  S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."

The man hesitates.  Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

Washing Dishes

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had  just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother suggested, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on  the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the  woman came to dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

Moving Heaven and Earth

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

Groaner

A man was sitting down watching his TV. one evening, when he heard a loud knocking on his door. Wondering who on earth it could be, he jumped up to answer it. There, standing before him, was a large beetle who proceeded to beat him up. The next evening, there was the same knocking at the door.

Cautiously the man answered the door. Again, there was the beetle, and the same thing happened. The man took himself down to his doctor with his cuts and bruises and explained the whole situation to his Doc. 

"Hhmm," said the doctor, looking at his wounds, "I'd heard there was a nasty bug going around!"

Next-of-Kin

A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.

The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked.  "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead."

The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin."

Signs

Parking spaces near our seaside cottage are at a premium, and the street is often crowded with cars.  One day our neighbor put  a sign:  NO PARKING HERE. 

Later he added another:  NO TURNING IN DRIVEWAY.

Finally, he added a third: NO CUTTING THROUGH THE YARD. 

That's when the neighbor across the street put up his own sign:

AND DON'T COME OVER HERE EITHER!

Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." 

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses behind?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses behind."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

And You, Sir?

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young son has begun drum lessons."

The Answer

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

Mom and Dad

My mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."

The Psychic

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:  "Will I be acquitted?"

Good News, Bad News

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses."

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.  I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

Lottery Winner

Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.

"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"

"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.

Farmer shrugs.  "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait"

Yale?

While the brokers were busily calling potential customers to drum up business, the president of the firm stopped to eavesdrop on a new employee.  He listened as the young man talked eight consecutive contacts into moving their stock portfolios to him.

The boss approached the young man and said, "I've been listening in, and I must say I'm impressed with your ability.  Where did you learn so much about talking to investors?"

"Yale, sir," the young man answered.

Impressed, the boss said, "Oh, that's fine, just fine. And what's your name?"

"Yackson," he replied.

Power Breakfast

Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"

Getting Even

Adam is a young single man and attends a family wedding.

At the wedding he meets relatives that he hasn't seen for years. One of his elderly Aunties, Aunt Betty, walks over to him and gives him a hug and says, "You'll be next my love."

Four years pass by and another family wedding occurs. The same Auntie says to him, "You'll be next my love."

By this time Adam is getting quite annoyed by his Aunt Betty's words, as he doesn't want to get married. He really wants to come up with some sort of response.

Five years pass on, and this time one of his Uncles has died. He attends his funeral and sees Aunt Betty standing talking to other relations. He walks up to her and says, "You'll be next my love."

Jury Selection

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honor."

"Married or single?"

"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Smart Bargain

On a trip to Enseņada, Mexico, for the day, my friends and I started to park in front of some interesting-looking shops.  A little boy ran over to us and said, "Seņora, I watch your car, fifty cent!"

I asked him to wait "un momento" and entered a shop to ask the owner in Spanish about the young lad.  He explained to me, "You give him the fifty cents, he runs off.  You don't, he steals your hubaps."