A judge was
hearing a straight forward drunk-driving case, but the defendant, who had
both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a
jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone
available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the lobby and told them
that they were a jury.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and the jury went into the jury-room
to deliberate. The judge figured he would be going home soon, and everyone
But one hour turned into two hours, and finally after three hours, the judge
was totally out of patience. He sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see
what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said,
"Well, have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a
man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it
with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him. He
leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice
your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket
every time you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she
starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"
gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand
on it and it makes you mad."
It was a
terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner.
The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up
shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an
umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick
coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy
seed bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me
and one for Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would
send me out on a night like this?"
gotten lost in cryptic and ambiguous regulations, and in total desperation
called the Internal Revenue service for some explanations.
I got hold of someone thoroughly familiar with the subject of my questions.
He gave me complete and helpful answers.
I like to give positive reinforcement when I run across people like that, so
I made it a point to say, "Thank you! You have been really informative
To which the IRS agent said, "I am sorry."
Need a Ticket
wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't
let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be
"Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch
"...and how far were you from the scene of the accident."
Witness: "Eight-seven point three-eight feet."
Lawyer: "How is it you can be so exacting with the distance."
Witness: "I went back and measured it, because I knew some fool lawyer
would ask that very question."
Walls of Jericho
church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down
the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it
definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the
school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family
very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it,
he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and
relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you
are making such a big issue out of this; we'll just get three quotes and fix the
My wife and
I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and
she asked what the difference was.
said "The Western saddle has a horn and the English saddle does not.
one without the horn is fine." she replied, "I don't expect we'll
run into too much traffic."
lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second,
"So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills,
my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
A lady went
into the grocery store and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
just up to my chin."
woman was cruising around a busy parking lot driving in her new
Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space.
Finally, the woman saw someone, who was loaded with packages, heading for a
car. She patiently followed him, put on her blinker and waited
patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a
sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was
dumbfounded and outraged.
Then the women jumped out of her car shouting, "How could you do that?
Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?"
He replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."
As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of
metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman
had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it right into his beautiful black
Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?"
She smiled and said, "That's what happens when you're old and
handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging
remark about the men who had been trying to hit on her. She laughed gaily,
"When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he
asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you
"I'm just visiting here."
stalled at a traffic light and a cop watched from across the street as the
vehicle sat through a red, yellow, green, red, yellow, green. Finally, he
walked over to the struggling motorist and said,
wrong, sir, don't we have a color you like?"
his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting
minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters
omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub
reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following,
"The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed
ago, my father was visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.
He said he wanted to go with me to the supermarket, so I invited him along.
As he went up & down the aisles with me, at the local Giant Food Store,
he constantly asked me questions about products he saw.
diss?? Powdered orange juice??" asked my dad, pointing at Tang.
I said, "Yah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh
A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, "Und vas
dis?? Powdered milk?", pointing at a box of Carnation.
I said, "Yah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh
milk!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle, my dad yelled out,
"Und give a look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a
wild-looking man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and holding his hand inside
his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously announced,
"Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," replied the doctor. "Please lie down on the
couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, I am
the Emperor of France. I have everything I could possibly want. But I'm
afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring the man. "And what
seems to be her problem?"
"For some strange reason she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player
and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we
need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and
if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks,
"Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is
two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach,
give him another chance!"
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to
spend a lot of money to do it.
Yes. Run for public office.
minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he
preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday,
my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my
wife's dentures... ...AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!
on a small airline flight said that he once faced a flight delay just before
they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:
"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles
off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be
finished and on our way shortly."
controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand
dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"
A young man
had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his
future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this
"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't
wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says,
"Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."
Did I Come From?
day Little Jennifer went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy,
where did I come from?"
Her mother stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it
was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little
Jennifer how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how
life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born.
As the mother gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider. When
she was finished, Little Jennifer said, "Wow, that's really neat.
That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from
Guard was called out to rescue a small sailboat in trouble. The rescue boat
called the foundering vessel on the radio to get the its location:
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position? I'm marketing director of a
software company in the East Midlands."
attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she
accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place
heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it
Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father.' The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.' The third Catholic
woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room
people say, 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women
give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is
gorgeous, 6' 2" and hard bodied. When he walks into
a room people say, 'Oh my God'!
I was just
visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one
rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed
them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin
eating. I stood there thinking to myself, "Man ! I hope I never get
Two nuns were
driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse
and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old
bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a
minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me,
sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your