Tuesday, November 30, 2004
wife's puppy escaped from the back yard we went looking for it.
Monday, November 29, 2004
I am five
feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor
accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage
nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight
and 125 pounds."
Saturday, November 27, 2004
was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
Friday, November 26, 2004
Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air,
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk
was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box
of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped
crackers all over the kitchen counter.
Monday, November 22, 2004
prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight.
Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the
best eye surgeon in the world.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
fell asleep watching "Monday Night Football " and spent the night on the
Saturday, November 20, 2004
church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister
Friday, November 19, 2004
not-so-bright sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was
sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like
a cup of coffee, no cream."
Thursday, November 18, 2004
walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle
of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The
wedding vows went like this:
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love
three times," one friend says.
Monday, November 15, 2004
at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For
weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the
national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates
complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they
all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into
applause and cheers.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first
American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that
she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by
Gallop and others.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. ...........She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay (in the guestroom, of course) for breakfast the next morning
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all t! he trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, not at all," she replies.........
(Wait for it.......)
(The suspense is killing you........, right?)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Friday, November 12, 2004
The fifth grade children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and remark, 'There's Jennifer... she's a lawyer' or 'There's Michael... he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead!"
Thursday, November 11, 2004
A woman walks
into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you
have any small notebooks?"
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.
In going to answer it, she tripped on her rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say,
"Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number.
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking
Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog
in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that
he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well, after some animated
discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out.
Monday, November 8, 2004
An old farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked for the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back telling him to look on page #346 of their catalog.
He wrote another letter to the company that said: "If I had a catalog, I would not need any toilet paper."
Sunday, November 7, 2004
walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the
'Green, Green Grass of Home'."
Saturday, November 6, 2004
The room was
full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The
instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing
the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
Friday, November 5, 2004
The summer band class was just
getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.
Thursday, November 4, 2004
Once upon a time there was a
famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years
he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates
get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
One day the
captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led
the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the
envelope, opened it and...
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
There are two polite people having
dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one
small piece of fish.
Tuesday, November 2, 2004
One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up
in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher
and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won
the bid - the parrot was his at last!
Monday, November 1, 2004
A man went to
visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the