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November, 2004

Tuesday,  November 30, 2004

In Search Of...

When my wife's puppy escaped from the back yard we went looking for it.

She went off in the car and I started to walk around the church across the street calling the dogs name.

I didn't think anything of it until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area.

The dog's name is Moses.

Monday,  November 29, 2004

Internet

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.  The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.  "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

Saturday,  November 27, 2004

The Necklace

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Friday,  November 26, 2004

Quattro

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.

The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent. "Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

Thursday,  November 25, 2004

The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven

The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance, It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Wednesday,  November 24, 2004

It's Worse Then That

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Tuesday,  November 23, 2004

Safety Seal

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

Monday,  November 22, 2004

Eye of Gratitude

In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'

Sunday,  November 21, 2004

Monday Night Football

Harry fell asleep watching "Monday Night Football " and spent the night on the couch.
 
The next morning his wife woke him and said " Get up, dear, it's 20 to 7. "

Harry opened his eyes and said..... " In whose favor ? "

Saturday,  November 20, 2004

Dust to Dust

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away.

They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Friday,  November 19, 2004

Not The Sharpest Knife

My not-so-bright sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."

My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"

Thursday,  November 18, 2004

Surprise!

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Wednesday,  November 17, 2004

In A Child's Mind

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

Tuesday,  November 16, 2004

Love

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

Monday,  November 15, 2004

Peanuts & Crackerjacks

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"

Betsy Ross

Sunday,  November 14, 2004

Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by Gallop and others.

 It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of ... the flag poll.

Saturday,  November 13, 2004

Perfect Woman

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. ...........She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay (in the guestroom, of course) for breakfast the next morning

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all t! he trimmings. The guy is amazed!!  Everything had been incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, not at all,"  she replies.........

(Wait for it.......)

(It's coming.............)

(The suspense is killing you........, right?)

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Friday,  November 12, 2004

Pictures

The fifth grade children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and remark, 'There's Jennifer... she's a lawyer' or 'There's Michael... he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead!"

Thursday,  November 11, 2004

Sorry

A woman walks into a convenience store.  She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager.  "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph.  How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope.  Don't have that."

"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"

The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."

Wednesday,  November 10, 2004

Right Number

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on her rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say,

"Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number.

Tuesday,  November 9, 2004

Dog Fight

Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well, after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out.

After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leapt on the Doberman and killed it outright. The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turned to the other farmer and asked, "What kind of dog did you say yours is?"

The first farmer replied, "Well before he lost his tail, we called him a Mountain Lion!"

Monday,  November 8, 2004

Price Check

An old farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked for the price of their toilet paper.

The company wrote back telling him to look on page #346 of their catalog.

He wrote another letter to the company that said: "If I had a catalog, I would not need any toilet paper." 

Sunday,  November 7, 2004

Is it Common?

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'."

"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, it's not unusual."

Saturday,  November 6, 2004

Exercise

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.  Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

A man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Friday,  November 5, 2004

The Bee

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.

The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate.

"Is it a bee?" another student asked.

"Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat."

Thursday,  November 4, 2004

The Captain

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about  his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost  love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. 

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:  "Port Left, Starboard Right"

Wednesday,  November 3, 2004

Polite Dinner

There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."

"No, you may choose first."

And this goes on for a while.

Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."

And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"

The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"

The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."

The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"

Tuesday,  November 2, 2004

At The Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

 As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

 "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Monday,  November 1, 2004

The Problem

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk... "Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate" the arm says.

The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"