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chuckle

November, 2005

Wednesday,  November 30, 2005

Job Applicants

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Tuesday,  November 29, 2005

Two Old Men

There was once two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history.  Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think  it's the wicker chairs!"

Monday,  November 28, 2005

Tonsils

A man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."

The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed, "Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"

"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"

Saturday,  November 26, 2005

Family Tradition

A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Christmas, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know--it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."

She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."

They decided to check further, so the young bride then called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

Friday,  November 25, 2005

How Can You Tell?

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

Thursday,  November 24, 2005

Pardon Me

As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up.

After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card.  It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.  The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.

"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"

Wednesday,  November 23, 2005

Already Been Tried

A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box.  I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox.  To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.

Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."

Tuesday,  November 22, 2005

Only Half

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

Monday,  November 21, 2005

Texas Trooper

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that cop would've tried that with me!'"

Saturday,  November 19, 2005

Small Town Coverage

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.  An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" the caller replied.  "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Friday,  November 18, 2005

Ground Control

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going?  I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta.  Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to!  Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."  The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Thursday,  November 17, 2005

Linda

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"

Wednesday,  November 16, 2005

I Forget

The wife, reading her magazine while sitting in her easy chair, says to her husband, who's lying on the couch and reading his newspaper,

 "I forget; which of us is in the bad mood?"
 

Tuesday,  November 15, 2005

What Makes You So Smart

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't
any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Monday,  November 14, 2005

Reflections

Fans of '60's music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert.  When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music.  At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters.  Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience.

Sunday,  November 13, 2005

Put It On My Tab

It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. A guy is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him,
"You owe me quite a bit on your tab."

"Sorry," says the guy, "I'm flat broke this week."

"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."

"But," says the guy, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."

"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

Saturday,  November 12, 2005

What to Say When You Get a Gift You Really Don't Like

"Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"

"Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"

"No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"

"You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"

"You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"

"Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"

"And it's such an interesting color too!"

"You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"

"You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"

Friday,  November 11, 2005

Fat Chance

Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
 
Six months passed and finally Peter returned. "Yes, we can do this for you."

"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?'

To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

Thursday,  November 10, 2005

Math Problem

The Math Prof. posed this problem:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

A student in the back of the room answered, "A lawyer?"

Wednesday,  November 9, 2005

Priorities

Diane, was chatting with her brother, Charles, a business executive who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, Charles remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.

"Afraid of injuries?" Diane asked.

"Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."

Tuesday,  November 8, 2005

The Realtor

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

Monday,  November 7, 2005

Sweet Talk

I saw my co-worker Jim Monday morning.  I was about to ask him how His weekend went when I noticed his black eye.  It was a real shiner. 

"What happened to you?  Were you mugged?", I asked. 

"Worse" Jim said painfully. "Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast in Mendocino this weekend.  We met Liz and Kevin there."

He said.  "Well?  How did you get that black eye?  How did you get Those bruises on your arms?  What about that cut over your other eye? "

"Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table with Liz and Kevin And a couple on their honeymoon.  We were all having breakfast together.  "That honeymoon couple looked at each other with love in their eyes, when he turned to his new bride and asks 'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar'.

"We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the 'isn't that romantic' look women get.  Then Kevin said to Liz 'please pass the honey, honey.' Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me.

"The last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to Suzie and saying 'Please pass the tea--bag'".

Sunday,  November 6, 2005

Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you when I got married?''

Saturday,  November 5, 2005

Psychoanalysts

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day.  The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.

"I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"

The older analyst replied, "Who listens?"

Friday,  November 4, 2005

For Cryin' Out Loud

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.

"What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

Thursday,  November 3, 2005

Sharing A Donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story; "If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye."

Wednesday,  November 2, 2005

Class Clown

A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class, "Who is responsible for this atrocity?!"

The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by answering, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect his parents."

Tuesday,  November 1, 2005

I'll Get Pneumonia

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft. 

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."