Friday, November 30, 2007
My husband, son and I had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car, when four Buddhist monks walked by.
When our son asked about them, I explained, "Their life is a quest for enlightenment."
"I wonder what kind of car they drive," my husband said and jokingly suggested, "A Ford Focus?"
"Or a Honda Odyssey," I said.
The monks got into a Pathfinder.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like" We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could.
"What's your job there?" the caller asked me.
"I'm the president," I replied.
There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."
Monday, November 26, 2007
The orthopedic surgeon I
work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport
many of the items.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said,
"it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
Saturday, November 24, 2007
The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a very large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers.
Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed up an even bigger poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES. Business boomed!
Friday, November 23, 2007
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins. "Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late."
He said nothing at first, but as I walked to the next aisle, he called after me, "I know. I've had three cantaloupes."
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.
The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?"
"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
My seven-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off.
Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What
do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?"
"Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."
Monday, November 19, 2007
An extremely thrifty man was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
The man asks: "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.
He then asks "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."
The man gets up and says: "Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"
Sunday, November 18, 2007
During a skydiving class the instructor would take time to answer any First-Timer Questions. One guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
Saturday, November 17, 2007
A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or where he has landed.
Seeing a man walking down a nearby street, he cries out, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"
Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says:, "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field."
"You must be an accountant, sir," replied the balloon's unhappy resident.
"How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by.
"Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now," answered the balloonist.
Friday, November 16, 2007
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
"Why do you ask?" I responded.
"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."
Thursday, November 15, 2007
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"
Monday, November 12, 2007
One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought.
Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.
Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did. A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem," he said, ... "I can stop any time."
Sunday, November 11, 2007
"You're right, " the guy
says, "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't
seen before will you give me a drink?"
"Watch this," replies the
guy. Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the
frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous
voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."
Friday, November 9, 2007
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave him her password.
Her password was "genius".
After three tries and the system telling him "access denied," he asked her how to spell it.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
Monday, November 5, 2007
A woman wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles she said."
Her friend told her that was the problem. But the woman's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the woman went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.
Two days later the woman's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.
"Why would I sell the car?" she said, "There are only 40,000 miles on it!"
Sunday, November 4, 2007
MURRELLS INLET, S.C., bills itself as the "Seafood Capital of South Carolina." It has so many seafood restaurants that it is hard to decide which one to choose.
My wife and I were trying to do just that when we came upon, of all things, a steakhouse. It seemed busy, perhaps because it had adapted to its environment. A sign out front read:
"Catch of the Day -- COW!"
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Bill and his fiancée Mary met with the pastor to discuss their marriage vows.
"Pastor," said Mary, "I wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony."
"Yes, Mary," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?"
"Well," said Mary, "I'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'"
Friday, November 2, 2007
A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...
"Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
Thursday, November 1, 2007
"George is SO forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George.
"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."