Sunday, November 30, 2008
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.
"I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"
Saturday, November 29, 2008
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model.
I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Friday, November 28, 2008
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items....with a " thank you " note from the manufacturer.
"Vell, vatta ya t'ink?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.
"I t'ink Next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."
Thursday, November 27, 2008
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancÚ will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches
the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
Monday, November 24, 2008
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him hard.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
Sunday, November 23, 2008
During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions. "Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"
"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.
"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.
"Certainly not in this case."
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are "STOP" and "FULL SPEED."
One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, "Mister, I've been waiting for you all morning..."
Nick replied "Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!"
Friday, November 21, 2008
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice...
"I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an important radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said,
"You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
Thursday, November 20, 2008
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"
"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busy street.
The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot."
The first player replied, "I don't have any old balls."
Monday, November 17, 2008
One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
Sunday, November 16, 2008
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony.
All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, the groom heard her quietly repeating to herself, over and over:
"I'll alter him!"
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
Friday, November 14, 2008
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite
Thursday, November 13, 2008
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies;
"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Monday, November 10, 2008
How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.
"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized. "I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered. "Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived.
About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Friday, November 7, 2008
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded.
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians in charge. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The officer pulled me over for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?"
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
Monday, November 3, 2008
A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.
The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.
The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"
Sunday, November 2, 2008
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions...like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"