November 30, 2009
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith....
November 29, 2009
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked His best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. There's no charge,' she says.
No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
So I just switched the heads.'
(Iíll bet you didn't see that coming!!)
November 28, 2009
Pincus was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, driving without lights and violation of traffic signals.
He demanded a trial by jury.
"But you can't win that case in court," a friend advised him.
"I know," said Pincus. "I did it on purpose. My nephew just graduated from law school and this is his first case. I want him to lose so maybe he'll get discouraged and get an honest job."
November 27, 2009
A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"
"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."
November 26, 2009
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
November 25, 2009
About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.
"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"
"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
November 24, 2009
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
November 23, 2009
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there and that's where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem."
The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks. The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!"
"I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
November 22, 2009
"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving.
"Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."
The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.
"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."
November 21, 2009
In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."
"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."
"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."
"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."
"What is it?"
"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over...?"
November 20, 2009
Three guys were standing around talking about dying when one asked, "What would you like people to say about you as they come to pay their last respects?"
The second man said, "I hope they say I was a respected doctor in my field, a good family man, and had lots of friends."
The third man said, "I hope they say I was a well spoken attorney, helped my fellow man, good citizen, and played a mean round of golf."
The first man said, "That's probably what will be said of the two of you." My hope is that when they look down in my coffin they say, "Look...he's moving"!
November 19, 2009
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
November 18, 2009
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
November 17, 2009
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."
November 16, 2009
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
November 15, 2009
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why youíre almost a stranger. My, but Iím tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isnít often I see you on washday. No wonder youíre tired. Being pregnant isnít easy. By the way, donít deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorneyís office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail."
November 14, 2009
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him.
"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied "every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic."
November 13, 2009
An airplane filled to capacity is sitting on the tarmac awaiting take-off, when the pilot and co-pilot come aboard.
The pilot is wearing sunglasses, and hitting the sides of the aisle with a white cane. The co-pilot is following behind him being led by a seeing-eye dog.
As both pilots continue toward the cockpit, the passengers start to murmur amongst themselves..."Are they kidding..?, what's going on..?"
When the plane's engines start, the passengers get louder. As the plane begins to pick up speed down the runway the passengers are really getting loud.
Finally when the plane is at full throttle with only 20 feet of runway left, the passengers begin screaming at the top of their lungs.
The plane suddenly pulls up and is airborne.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "You know, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and we're all gonna die!"
November 12, 2009
The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, my child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isnít a sin - itís only a mistake."
November 11, 2009
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
November 10, 2009
Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride across the country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant.
The train enters a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened.
The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can't understand why her grandmother slapped him.
The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him.
The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn't understand why the grandmother had slapped him.
Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time!
November 9, 2009
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old"
And the genie said, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
November 8, 2009
A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she said again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" by this time she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"
November 7, 2009
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
November 6, 2009
I live across the street from a church. When our puppy escaped from the back yard we went looking for it.
My wife went off in the car and I started to walk around the church calling the dogs name.
I didn't think anything of it until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area.
The dog's name is Moses.
November 5, 2009
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
November 4, 2009
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
November 3, 2009
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
November 2, 2009
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron-deficient blood, lack of vitamins, drinking too much and a dozen other reasons.
But now I found out the real reason I'm tired -- because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are, on average, 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting there screwin' around reading email!
November 1, 2009
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.