November 30, 2010
A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing.
The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"
"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."
November 29, 2010
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
November 28, 2010
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2010 Softball Season, we came in second place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
November 27, 2010
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche!
New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
November 26, 2010
Charles, a business executive who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, Charles remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.
"Afraid of injuries?" I asked.
"Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."
November 25, 2010
A young boy answered the phone in a whisper "Hello?"
The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whisper "He can't come to the phone."
The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered "She's busy. She can't come to the phone either."
The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy.
"Yes," he wispered. "The police and the firemen are here too." When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered "They're busy too. They can't come to the phone either."
Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone.
The boy whispered "They're looking for me."
November 24, 2010
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?.
Operator: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?.
November 23, 2010
The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, my child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isnít a sin - itís only a mistake."
November 22, 2010
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"
November 21, 2010
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
November 20, 2010
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it is yours...
If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it.
November 19, 2010
A rather Posh Lady was sauntering around an exclusive London art gallery when she stopped by one particular exhibit.
"I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call modern art?" she asked in a very pompous manner.
"No, Ma'm," replied the gallery assistant, "it's what we call a mirror."
November 18, 2010
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
November 17, 2010
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
November 16, 2010
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
November 15, 2010
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
November 14, 2010
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Acme Tree Experts."
Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.'"
November 13, 2010
I live across the street from a church.
When my wife's puppy escaped from the back yard so we went looking for it. She went off in the car and I started to walk around the church calling the dogs name.
I didn't think anything of it until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area.
The dog's name is Moses.
November 12, 2010
While carpenters were working outside an old house the owner busied herself with indoor cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," she said, thinking of a quick solution.
"I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
November 11, 2010
The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.
"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's next best?"
November 10, 2010
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
November 9, 2010
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Josh said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the received it. "It's the best present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Josh said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
November 8, 2010
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before New Years!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
November 7, 2010
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"
November 6, 2010
The fight between good and evil, an epic battle: Darth Vader and Luke. Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulls Luke to him, and whispers "I know what you're getting for Christmas!"
Luke exclaims "But how??!?"
"It's true Luke, *breathe* I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke tries to ignore this, but tears himself free, screaming "How could you know this?!"
Vader replies, "I felt your presents."
November 5, 2010
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married ?"
"Yes, sir, once" said the witness in a low voice.
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
The witness said meekly, "My sister did."
November 4, 2010
A clergyman struggled along with a small congregation in a small neighborhood. A commercial firm offered to supply free hymn books, provided they could insert a bit of discreet advertising into the hymnals. The pastor was reluctant but finally agreed. When the hymnals arrived, he eagerly examined them and was delighted to find no brash advertisements on or inside the covers.
The next Sunday, his flock began to sing from the hymnals. All went well until the third song, when the congregation lifted their voices in unison to the melodious notes of:
Hark the herald angels sing,
November 3, 2010
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
"The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
November 2, 2010
Three guys died on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St. Peter.
"In honor of the season", St. Peter says to them, "Before I let you pass through the pearly gates, you must each give me something that represents Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they represent?", St. Peter asks him.
"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.
"What do they represent?" St. Peter asks.
"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women's panties. He holds them up proudly.
"What do they represent?" St. Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled.
November 1, 2010
Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . . "I'm not free. I'm four."