November 30, 2011
"I have a problem," Suzanne complained to her friend, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
"Don't you have a phone in your car?" asked the friend.
"That was too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
"A mail box? Does that work?"
"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
"And why do you think that is?"
Suzanne thought for a moment, then replied, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around my zip code keeps changing."
November 29, 2011
Scott and Glenn were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumped out of a bush and started chasing them.
Both campers ran for their lives, then Glenn stopped and started to put on his running shoes.
Scott said to him, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
Glenn replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
November 28, 2011
Tom and Darryl went bear hunting. While Tom stayed in the cabin, Darryl went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, Darryl tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
Darryl jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to Tom inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
November 27, 2011
Laura had a puppy on a leash and was walking it down the street when she saw Sophie. "I just got this puppy for my little brother," Laura told her friend.
"Really?" Sophie replied, "Whoever did you find to make a swap like that?"
November 26, 2011
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
"It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that I'm not just being paranoid? Even *He* is trying to get me?"
November 25, 2011
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, “So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God.
God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren't you having any?”
The rabbi replies, “No, I think I'll wait for the police.”
November 24, 2011
Kurt asked his wife Kim, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
"I'd love to be ten again," she answered.
On the morning of Kim's birthday, Kurt got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her stomach upside down.
Into McDonald's they went, where Kim was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars—more hot dogs, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last Kim staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Kurt leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant the dress size."
November 23, 2011
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said: “I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.”
November 22, 2011
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
November 21, 2011
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
November 20, 2011
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left the market with seven."
November 19, 2011
Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
November 18, 2011
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"
The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"
November 17, 2011
One morning Jackie and her baby were taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
Jackie, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"
She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied, "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"I think I will report him," she agreed.
The elderly man said, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
November 16, 2011
Robert calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
His wife, Rhonda, thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
Rhonda welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. Robert says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did," Rhonda replies, "they were in your tackle box."
November 15, 2011
Scott, Glenn, and Tom were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. Tom said, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walked up to the table and declared, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shot-put." He opened his gym bag to display a shot-put to the registration attendant.
The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
Tom gets inspired and grabbed a small tree sapling, stripped off the limbs and roots, walked up the registration table and declared: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
"Very good, Mr. Wagon," the attendant responded, "Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
Scott grabbed a street utility manhole cover, walked up to the registration table and stated: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant replied, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scampered in, but suddenly realized that Glenn was missing. They groaned, knowing that he wasn't too bright. They forgot to make sure he didn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then Glenn walked proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and declared: "Foster Bean. Toledo, Ohio. Fencing."
November 14, 2011
A man was celebrating his 80th birthday and his 50th wedding anniversary.
A reported asked, "Sir, how do you account for looking so fit?"
"Well," the old-timer told him, "when we got married, my wife and I made an agreement that any time we saw an argument coming on, I would grab my hat and walk three times around the block. You'd be surprised what 50 years of outdoor exercise will do for your health!"
November 13, 2011
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
November 12, 2011
This is a cool puzzler. See if you can follow it:
1. Say COW before each word:
2. Say COW after each word:
3. Say COW before and after each word:
> Cows <
> About <
> Talking <
> You <
> Got <
> I <
> Long <
> How <
> Look <
4. Start at the bottom and read the words upwards:
November 11, 2011
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
November 10, 2011
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
November 9, 2011
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe replied, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. He looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
November 8, 2011
Chuck and Mike were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, Chuck threw his rod down and started running through the woods as fast as he could. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, Chuck pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my buddy back there, well, he don't have one."
November 7, 2011
The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Jimmy got up to read his, "Papa fell in the well last week..." he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Ms. Roseapple, "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," replied Jimmy, "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
November 6, 2011
Soon after their last child left home for college, Linda's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.
She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
November 5, 2011
When the car engine developed a slight knock, Terry asked his wife if she had bought premium or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.
"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That would account for the roughness of the engine."
"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly, "It cost the same as always. I put in the usual ten dollars worth."
November 4, 2011
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
November 3, 2011
There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping...
November 2, 2011
First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.
Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart.
Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?
November 1, 2011
Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log.
Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"