November 30, 2012
While driving Suzanne got lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
November 29, 2012
Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.
He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon.
"Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter.
"Afternoon," says the farmer.
"Where you headed?" asks Walter.
"What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued.
"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"
"I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly.
"Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream."
November 28, 2012
In my search of the family tree, it was pretty exciting to learn my great-grandparents in the Appalachian Mountains were pioneers in iron and steel.
I could hardly stand the excitement until I learned the truth that Great-Grandma stayed home and ironed while Great-Grandpa went off to steal.
November 27, 2012
There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot.
Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!"
The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am.
This number only deals with emergencies." But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.
Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"
November 26, 2012
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.
When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."
November 25, 2012
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
November 24, 2012
When the company I worked for had an employee-suggestion competition, I told my staff to submit entries that would save money for the firm.
The winner was a man in my department who suggested we post corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. His award was a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.
A memo announcing the prize went out to 200 people.
November 23, 2012
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day, as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
November 22, 2012
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
“You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees Barack Obama. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
Barack looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, Barack.”
November 21, 2012
Upon entering a little country store, Randy noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
Randy couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
November 20, 2012
* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
November 19, 2012
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"
"And if you had a cow?"
"And a goat?"
"Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"
November 18, 2012
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?"
The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft."
"Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?"
"Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.
"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. "It's Row vs Wade."
November 17, 2012
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the Navy, son?”
“My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.”
“Oh? And what does your father do?”
“He's in the Army, sir.”
November 16, 2012
John, went into a convenience store to prepay for gasoline and returned with two plastic bottles of soda.
As he filled the tank, his wife opened a bottle. To her dismay it fizzed and foamed all over her lap.
Several miles down the road, John asked for his soda. Handing it to him, She warned, "Be careful. These are really over-carbonated."
But when John opened his bottle, it barely hissed.
Eyes on the road, he nonchalantly said, "You must have gotten the one I dropped."
November 15, 2012
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
November 14, 2012
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
November 13, 2012
During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.
Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs."
But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight.
Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."
November 12, 2012
The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"
His son says, "No, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff."
The chief says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father, George Washington. Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down cherry tree. Him father ask-um, 'Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?'
George say-um, 'Cannot tell-um lie, Father. Me chop-um down cherry tree.'
Him father say, 'Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um punishment.'
Now I ask-um you again... you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"
His son says, "Yes, Father, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff."
The Chief proceeds to give-um big wuping to his son.
The son says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off scott-free. I tell-um truth... why you give-um me big wuping?"
The Chief says, "Georgie's father not sit-um in cherry tree."
November 11, 2012
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.
"Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh.
"I could only do about 15 minutes!"
November 10, 2012
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.
It was his first time approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
November 9, 2012
A lady lost her purse in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
November 8, 2012
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," he said, "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law, "Well then, you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law, "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law., "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man, "Buy me out."
November 7, 2012
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."
November 6, 2012
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."