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November 1 - 7, 1997

Friday, November 7, 1997

Waking Up

Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she finally finished her coffee made with love, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV- 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

The Service

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why those are our boys who died in the service."
Dumb founded, the youngster asked, "Please tell me... was that the morning service or the evening service?"

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Thursday, November 6, 1997

Arthritis

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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Wednesday, November 5, 1997

Joe

Joe is a seemingly regular guy. One day he said to his local bartender, "Yeah, I know everybody there is to know!" The Bartender replied, "What are you talking about, Joe? There is no way that you can know everybody."
Joe answered, "Oh, you're wrong...I really DO know everybody!" The Bartender decided to call his bluff, "OK, I'll bet you $1000 that you don't know Michael Jackson." "Yup, sure do," said Joe.
So Joe and the Bartender fly off to New York to a Michael Jackson concert. They sit down right up front, the concert begins, and Michael runs out on stage. Joe immediately stands up and waves to him. Michael looks over, stops the band, and says over the microphone, "Ladies and Gentleman, I just noticed a special friend of mine is here in the audience...I'd like you all to meet my good friend, Joe." Joe stood up, and the audience cheered!
Later, back at the bar...
"Well OK Joe, But you can't know EVERYONE!" said the bartender, "I'll bet you $2000 that you don't know Bill Clinton."
"Sure I do," said Joe, "We went golfing together last summer." So Joe and the Bartender fly off to Washington. They walk into the White House, where the President was giving a press conference. The President noticed Joe enter the room and Joe acknowledged him with a wave.
"Ladies and Gentleman," began Mr. Clinton, "A good friend of mine has just arrived, I'd like you all to meet him... please welcome Joe." The photographers and journalists all hurried over to interview Joe, take pictures, etc.
Later, back at the bar...
The Bartender said, "Joe, I still don't believe that you know EVERYBODY. I'll bet you $4000 that you don't know the Pope." So Joe and the Bartender fly off to Italy. They enter the courtyard of the Vatican where there are multitudes of people waiting for the Pope to address them. They wait, and wait, and the Pope does not show up.
Joe wonders aloud, "How much longer is he going to be? He's over an hour late."
The Bartender, who was somewhat irritated by now, said, "Well, if you're such a good friend, why don't you just go inside and tell the Pope that he's late?"
"Yeah, that's a great idea," said Joe, and off he went.
A couple of minutes later the Pope steps out onto the balcony with Joe. Joe looked down at the crowd and saw the bartender passed out on the ground. He ran back downstairs to see what the problem was. "What happened? Are you ok? " asked Joe.
The Bartender started to come around, "Ya, ya, I'm allright Ok, so you win."
"Huh?" said Joe, "What happened?"
"Well," the Bartender said, "Just as you stepped out onto the balcony with the Pope, the woman next to me said... 'Hey, who the hell is that guy up there with Joe?'"

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Tuesday, November 4, 1997

Milking Machine

A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine. "Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman. "How many cows will you be milking?"
Just one," says the farmer.
"Oh," says the salesman.
"Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards."
I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly.
"Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want. Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.
The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?"
"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."

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Monday, November 3, 1997

Made In Japan

There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philippines. As he stepped out of the airport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard. Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked. "Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. verri faast!!" Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. "Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good!, very faast" The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the mans proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it. "Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!"
It was not long after reaching the designated hotel, the cab halted in front of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed.
"That will be US$239.40, sir!"
"Nan desu-ka! What?", the businessman was astonished. "The airport verrinear to hotel.
"Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and 'very faast'.

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Sunday, November 2, 1997

Two Italians

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is drawn when she hears one of the men saying:
"Emma comma first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I comma again. Two asses, they comma together again. I den pee twice. Den I comma once more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, calma-down lady," said the man, "I was only tella my frien' here how to spella Mississippi."

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Saturday, November 1, 1997

Life After Death

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."

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