November 1 - 30,
Monday, November 30, 1998
For his wife's birthday party, a
doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are
just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said,
"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting
better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
"The Law of Volunteering"
dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly
people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice
starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
You always find something in the last place you look.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always
available for work in the past tense.
organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
You can't fall off the floor.
first myth of management is that it exists.
action there is an equal and opposite government program.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed
Sunday, November 29, 1998
Learning From Noah's Ark
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when
Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask
you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an
advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you
can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were
the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain --
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark
was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you
have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the
woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a
rainbow on the other side.
18. "Stop what'ca doing, and do what God
Saturday, November 28, 1998
Possibly True Story
Having her hair done at a West
Hempstead, NY, beauty parlor, a Woman told a cautionary tale about racial
prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience.
On a recent weekend in
Atlantic City, the woman related, she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot
machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the
hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. As she
was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both
were black. One of them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure.
woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next
thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if
one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely
did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her
face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she
picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was
on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced
the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and
then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought,
I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured
from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out
her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet.
A shower of coins rained down
on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard
one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're
going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She
lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her
up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the
floor," one of the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should
hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am." He spoke genially.
He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of
myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but
words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for behaving as though they were robbing you? The 3 of them gathered up the
strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor
they insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door
they bid her good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them
laughing while they walked back to the elevator.
The next morning flowers
were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp
one hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed,
Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.
Friday, November 27, 1998
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS
SNOW BLOWER FOR
SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY
BULL FOR SALE.
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2
COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES
OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE
DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE REWARD.
- LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE -SLIGHTLY
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS
& BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB -
AND IT'S MADE
OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER &
DRYER - $300..
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON -
FREE COFFEE &
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY
87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN
MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
Thursday, November 26, 1998
How To Liven Up Thanksgiving
1. Load your plate up high, then take
it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the
table. Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I
didn't get caught." and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old
recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure
it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn
off the VCR and turn on the regular TV
4. Bring a date that only talks about
the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the
Turkey was past expiration date.You were worried for nothing".
Wednesday, November 25, 1998
Champion is Born
Al Davis had finally put together the
perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good
quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he
couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the
corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible
arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away!
He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards
away! A car passes going 80 miles an hour, and he send another grenade right
into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself,
"He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the
game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for
completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him
what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
the young man says into the receiver "I just won the SuperBowl."
want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads, "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very
moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."
The old lady pauses, then
says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to
Tuesday, November 24, 1998
Manny is almost 29 years old, his
friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.
a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman?
Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my
parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together.
Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother
loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged,
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
Monday, November 23, 1998
* What do you call a boomerang that
* How does a spoiled rich girl change a light
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
* What do prisoners
use to call each other?
* What do you call cheese that
* What do you call four bull fighters in
* What do you get when you cross an elephant
and a skin doctor?
* What has four legs, is big,
green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
* Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big
* Where do you get virgin wool from?
Sunday, November 22, 1998
Battle Field Conversion
An atheist was spending a quiet day
fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened
its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh,
my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as
the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I
thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!," the man
pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster
Saturday, November 21, 1998
After the party, as the couple was
driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how
handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband
said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you
THAT idea at the party tonight?"
Friday, November 20, 1998
Two rednecks were driving through
Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth
until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one redneck asked
the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The manager leaned over
the counter and said,
Here, Let Me Show You
Three lawyers and three engineers are
traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy
tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers
cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as
departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a
single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save
some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board
the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram
into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers
are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Thursday, November 19, 1998
Three churches - Baptist, Methodist,
and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival.
the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for
us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than
that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did
even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble
Wednesday, November 18, 1998
Papa has been lying ill for weeks. A
few days ago he slipped into a coma, and everyone feared the worst.
family is called. The son from Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts.
The uncles. All sit waiting for the end.
Suddenly a miracle! Papa opens his
eyes. Weakly he motions for his son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Papa
is weak from illness and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I've been
"Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very
The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death
when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that
strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her masterpiece."
He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion of speaking.
wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took the strudel out of
the oven to cool."
"A miracle!" cries Papa as he tries to rise, and weakly
falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and says, "I'm still too weak to
get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a piece of Sadie's strudel."
obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father's request. . . only
to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits again by his father's
Papa looks at him and says, "Where is the strudel?"
To which the son
replies, "I'm sorry, papa. Mama says it's for AFTER the
Tuesday, November 17, 1998
While sports fishing off the Florida
coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing
on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the
tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he
asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The
sharks got 'em."
Monday, November 16, 1998
If you have to write a 'letter of
recommendation' for a fired employee,here are a few suggested
--- For the chronically absent:
'A man like him is hard to
'It seemed her career was just taking off.'
--- For the office
'I feel his real talent is wasted here.'
'We generally found him
loaded with work to do.'
'Every hour with him was a happy hour.'
For an employee with no ambition:
'He could not care less about the number of
hours he had to put in.'
'You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to
work for you.'
--- For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is
better left unfilled:
'I can assure you that no person would be better for
--- For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a
'I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an
offer of employment.'
'All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this
candidate or recommend him too highly.'
--- For a stupid
'There is nothing you can teach a man like him.'
enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
--- For a dishonest employee:
'Her true ability was
'He's an unbelievable worker.'
SALESMAN OF THE YEAR
A keen country lad applied for a
salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in
the world-you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever
been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the
The boss took an immediate liking to him and said, "You can start
tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and
arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly
closed up and asked the lad, "How many sales did you make today?"
the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20
or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand,
three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you
manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this
man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook, and finally a
really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge
big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I
said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department
and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his
Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the vehicle
department and sold him a new Ford Expedition. I asked him where he was going to
eat the fish that he caught, and then sold him a beach house on the
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all
that to a guy who came in for a fish hook???"
"No . . . ," answered the young
salesman. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook. He came in to buy a box of
Tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you might as well
Sunday, November 15, 1998
A golfer is in a competitive match with
a friend, who is ahead by a coupleof strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd
give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and
whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks
the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps
this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the
difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he
mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of
your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to
win.Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you
be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club
house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been
fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on
you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name
is Father O'Malley."
Saturday, November 14, 1998
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of
crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a
reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to
track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his
favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the
bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or
I'll blow your brains out." But, the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger
didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon
and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost,
Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Friday, November 13, 1998
In the bar, it was tough to tell;
however, as they walked to his hotel room, he began to get suspicious.
he said to his lovely companion. "Just how old are you?"
Without a moments hesitation, he ushered her out the door. "So," the
startled young girl said on her way out, "you're superstitous,
Thursday, November 12, 1998
A nun who works for a local home health
care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would
have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to
borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned
had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be
back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to
wait and walked back to her car
After looking through her car for
something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was
taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station and
filled it with gasoline. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two
men walked by. One was heard to exclaim, "Now that is what I call
Wednesday, November 11, 1998
Little Billy had been promised a
special surprise for his birthday and that's just what he got. He stared in awe
at the full gorwn Saint Bernard that stood in the center of his living room.
The little boy inched up to the big dog, slowly walked around it and looked
into it's big brown eyes. Then he turned to his mother and asked, "Is he for me,
or am I for him?"
A preacher retired and moved to the
country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower,
he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn
mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the
house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along
at idle speed.
The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few
strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied
the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for
a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get
this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do
you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher
and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid
said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to
Tuesday, November 10, 1998
The couple was dining out when the wife
noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Harry", she said pointing, "do you see
that man downing drinks at the bar?"
Harry looked over and
"Well", the woman continued, " he's been drinking like that for 10
years, ever since I jilted him."
The husband returned to his meal.
"Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth that much
Monday, November 9, 1998
Saddam Hussein called President Clinton
and said: "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I
could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building,
there was a beautiful banner."
Clinton asked, "What was on the
Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, God is Allah."
said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a
dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than
before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was
also a beautiful banner."
Saddam said: "What was on the banner?"
replied: "I really don't know.... I don't read Hebrew."
My husband was just coming out of
anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his
bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
Sunday, November 8, 1998
An 80 year old man was having his
annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been
better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and
having my child!
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this
for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an
avid hunter. He never missed a season but one day went out in a bit of a hurry,
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
continued, "So, he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in
front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed
the handle. And, do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in
front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must
have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the
Saturday, November 7, 1998
At my University's Student center Bathrooms:
"If you see
four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify
immediately to the University Police."
Seen on a truck:
"I am as smart
as a horse and hung like Einstein!"
Red light district in Galvaston
Texas. The light was on but the ladies were
not home. A sign on their door
"Closed for the weekend, beat it."
In the hallway of a High
School in New Jersey
"Our School: Commitment Responsibility Attitude
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah:
"Rest Area Next Right" -
the next right leads a person right into to a
A sign in the
local opportunity shop says,
"If your going to steal, then smile for the
A sign on the backbar- Earl's Bar-Indiana
"A wise monkey
never monkeys with another monkey's monkey."
At an office:
is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have
raises,bonses and promotions."
Friday, November 6, 1998
Grump in the Bunch
On a military training exercise, the
British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet
night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air ...... "Are there
any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied .....
"Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice..... "I'm a friendly bear
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and
let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an
important radio link.
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a
father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father
stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back.
She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night,
it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest,
the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as
soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the
nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where
he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Just out scaring the hell out of
Thursday, November 5, 1998
A Duck walks into a bar and orders a
beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your
eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the
"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck. "Now, can have a
The barman serves the duck a beer and asks him, "So, what
brings a duck like you to these parts?"
"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the
building site across the road. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll
most likely be in every lunch hour for a beer." The duck slurped down his beer,
wiggling his tail happily.
Just as he said, the duck waddles over from his
job at the building site and has his lunch time lager.
The next week, the
circus comes to town on its annual round. The Circus owner wanders in for a
drink and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get this
duck to join your circus," he says. "For a little consideration, I could hook
you up with this duck and you could make lots of bucks. Everyone would love to
see a talking duck I think. Don't you?"
The circus man nods his agreement
excitedly while sipping his beer and the barman agrees to talk to the duck about
The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as he had been
for those many days. The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his
eyes), "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the
owner about you. He's very interested in you."
"Really?" says the
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't
"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it? With
a big pole in the middle?"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting
tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."
The duck looked very
puzzled. "But why would he want to hire a plasterer?"
Wednesday, November 4, 1998
The other day I was on my way home from
work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as
I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If
that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a
bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the
windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto
the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the
windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was
forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened
at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am
going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$
of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of
anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
love to hear from
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and
oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that
the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study
Tuesday, November 3, 1998
A lady is giving a party for her
granddaughter, and has gone all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just
before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some
firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and
all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has
not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in
traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very
disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She
happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across
the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips,
and leaps high in the air.
She calls the other guy over and says, "What your
friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you
think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at
the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me
"HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER
Monday, November 2, 1998
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who
was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit
of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not
to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing
the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know,
Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but
knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen
There was a doctor walking down the
sidewalk one day during the towns sidewalk sale days. He noticed a stand that
said 'brains for sale.' He went over to investigate and saw a sign that said
'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound and another sign that said Paramedic brains $12.00
a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers
brains $90.00 a pound.
So he asked the man behind the cash register how come
his brains are only worth $8.00 and a lawyer's worth $90.00, the man replied,
"do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of
Sunday, November 1, 1998
Two football players were taking an
important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he
needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor
wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the
answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the
professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid.
Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember
now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the
blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny,
how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is