November 1998

Last Ditch Effort	OL' FRED	Brains For Sale
Party Clowns	Letters	Just My Luck
At the Source	A Grump in the Bunch	The Talking Duck
FUNNY SIGNS	What Happened?	The Old Man
Dreams	GIFTS	Marriage
Slow Starter	Salesman of The Year	Superstitions
Gift of Faith	Loosely Translated	The Golf Match
Florida Fishing	Letters of Recommendation	Her Masterpiece
Relative Success	Here, Let Me Show You	Natchitoches
Sweet Talkin'	Battle Field Conversion	One Line Groaners
Just Like Mom	ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS	A Champion is Born
Learning From Noah's Ark	How To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner	A Possibly True Story
Natural Laws		Inscriptions

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
18. "Stop what'ca doing, and do what God says!"

Having her hair done at a West Hempstead, NY, beauty parlor, a Woman told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience.
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related, she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet.
A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially.
He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed,
Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.

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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
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OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON -
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NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date.You were worried for nothing".

Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom." the young man says into the receiver "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."
The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together.
So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

* What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

* How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

* What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

* What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

* What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.

* What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

* What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

* Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

* Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

Two rednecks were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one redneck asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival.
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

Papa has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a coma, and everyone feared the worst.
The family is called. The son from Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting for the end.
Suddenly a miracle! Papa opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for his son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Papa is weak from illness and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I've been ill?"
"Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very ill."
The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her masterpiece." He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion of speaking.
"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took the strudel out of the oven to cool."
"A miracle!" cries Papa as he tries to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and says, "I'm still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a piece of Sadie's strudel."
The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father's request. . . only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits again by his father's side.
Papa looks at him and says, "Where is the strudel?"
To which the son replies, "I'm sorry, papa. Mama says it's for AFTER the funeral!"

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

If you have to write a 'letter of recommendation' for a fired employee,here are a few suggested phrases:

--- For the chronically absent:
'A man like him is hard to find.'
'It seemed her career was just taking off.'

--- For the office drunk:
'I feel his real talent is wasted here.'
'We generally found him loaded with work to do.'
'Every hour with him was a happy hour.'

--- For an employee with no ambition:
'He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.'
'You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.'

--- For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
'I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.'

--- For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
'I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.'
'All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.'

--- For a stupid employee:
'There is nothing you can teach a man like him.'
'I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.'

--- For a dishonest employee:
'Her true ability was deceiving.'
'He's an unbelievable worker.'

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world-you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly closed up and asked the lad, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new Ford Expedition. I asked him where he was going to eat the fish that he caught, and then sold him a beach house on the coast."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook???"
"No . . . ," answered the young salesman. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook. He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishin'."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a coupleof strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name is Father O'Malley."

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But, the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

In the bar, it was tough to tell; however, as they walked to his hotel room, he began to get suspicious.
"Say" he said to his lovely companion. "Just how old are you?"
"Thirteen" she replied.
Without a moments hesitation, he ushered her out the door. "So," the startled young girl said on her way out, "you're superstitous, huh?"

A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station and filled it with gasoline. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One was heard to exclaim, "Now that is what I call faith!"

Little Billy had been promised a special surprise for his birthday and that's just what he got. He stared in awe at the full gorwn Saint Bernard that stood in the center of his living room.
The little boy inched up to the big dog, slowly walked around it and looked into it's big brown eyes. Then he turned to his mother and asked, "Is he for me, or am I for him?"

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed.
The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Harry", she said pointing, "do you see that man downing drinks at the bar?"
Harry looked over and nodded.
"Well", the woman continued, " he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him."
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth that much celebrating."

Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."
Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?"
Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, God is Allah."
Clinton said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Saddam said: "What was on the banner?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know.... I don't read Hebrew."

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season but one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So, he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And, do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

FUNNY SIGNS

At my University's Student center Bathrooms:
"If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify
it immediately to the University Police."

Seen on a truck:
"I am as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!"

Red light district in Galvaston Texas. The light was on but the ladies were
not home. A sign on their door read:
"Closed for the weekend, beat it."

In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey
"Our School: Commitment Responsibility Attitude Persistance."

Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah:
"Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a
cemetery.

A sign in the local opportunity shop says,
"If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."

A sign on the backbar- Earl's Bar-Indiana
"A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey."

At an office:
"This job is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have
recieved raises,bonses and promotions."

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air ...... "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied ..... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice..... "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an important radio link.
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Just out scaring the hell out of college students..."

A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck. "Now, can have a beer please."
The barman serves the duck a beer and asks him, "So, what brings a duck like you to these parts?"
"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the road. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely be in every lunch hour for a beer." The duck slurped down his beer, wiggling his tail happily.
Just as he said, the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunch time lager.
The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The Circus owner wanders in for a drink and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get this duck to join your circus," he says. "For a little consideration, I could hook you up with this duck and you could make lots of bucks. Everyone would love to see a talking duck I think. Don't you?"
The circus man nods his agreement excitedly while sipping his beer and the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.
The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as he had been for those many days. The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes), "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you. He's very interested in you."
"Really?" says the duck.
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"
"That's right."
"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"
"Yeah!"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."
The duck looked very puzzled. "But why would he want to hire a plasterer?"

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

                                Love,
                                Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

                                Love,
                                Dad.

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him...
"HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

There was a doctor walking down the sidewalk one day during the towns sidewalk sale days. He noticed a stand that said 'brains for sale.' He went over to investigate and saw a sign that said 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound and another sign that said Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.
So he asked the man behind the cash register how come his brains are only worth $8.00 and a lawyer's worth $90.00, the man replied, "do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?"

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."